Cover Shot.

Smile for the camera... *click* Great! That's wonderful! This would be a great shot to use on the front cover... or at least it would be if I couldn't see your balls.

Hitler's Christmas Message Circa 1941

I wonder if I did the right thing persecuting all those Jews. Could I, the great Fuhrer of Deutschland be wrong?.... Naaaaah, I am just being silly. Let the persecutions continue.

Organised Crime.

Hey! Look! Look what you've done! The pavement is filthy with all of the blood and destruction. Remember to lay a plastic sheet down the next time this shit starts to happen. I have some old dust sheets stacked up in the garage, just be like; 'Jim, riot's about to happen. Can we use your dust sheets?'. I'll be like; 'Sure thing, man'. I'll leave them on the patio when I'm out of town or on vacation or something...

Wonka Vision

William James Mercer. No Scrubs.

The neighbours have some very fancy clothes drying on their washing line. Of course, back in my day we didn't have washing machines. We had to scrub the prostitute's blood out of our shirt by hand.

Pizza Guy.

Oh, finally! You've come with the pizzas I ordered an hour ago! I don't want to tell you how to do your job or anything, but this is seriously shitty service. Your Pizzeria is literally based at the end of the street - What, did you fucking fly these pizzas over to me or something?

Yes. That's exactly it. You placed a very large and complicated order with us, at what is typically our busiest time of the day. When your order was ready, we hired a plane and flew these fucking things over to you. That's why we're charging you a grand. Enjoy your shit.

COD Busters.

What the hell is this for?! I haven't done anything!

I think you know exactly why this happening. You can't repeatedly cheat your way through Modern Warfare 2 while mercilessly ridiculing your opponents without expecting a knock on the door from the Police. Online Ass-holing is a serious offense, son. You could go down for the next ten, twelve years for this shit.

Iron Man Punches Hugh Grant.

Prime Mark

Ah cripes! I knew I shouldn't have bought this suck-fucking t-shirt from Primark. Only fucking shirt I decide to own and I buy it from Primark in a fit of stupidity. Wash the fucker once and bam! It's shrink city, population... Me. Great, I knew this piece of clothing would attact the wrong sort. Shit, like being followed down the high street by a queer and an old man. Those suck-fuckers are just jealous of my black bag of cocaine. Hoops, best keep that intel on the down low or the filth will be slamming my ass in jail. Least I'll get a fucking shirt that'll fit though. Stripes are slimming too.

C.U.N.T

Say Mary, you get a new tatt?

Yeah, I did. Thanks for noticing.

No problem. Hey, is that a tattoo of a cunt?

It sure is.

That's great. Now you have Two cunts on your body. Or as I like to say, you're duel cunted.

Mr. Fix-It

Mmm... Lovely plump buttocks.

What?

I said, are you sure I can't get you a cup of coffee?

Look, I done told ya, I don't want none of your gay coffee.

It's Nescafe actually.

I still don't want none.

Ooooo, you are so forceful and manly aren't you?

Can you hand me that wrench?

Oh, are you saying I can handle your tool?

What are you on about? Just go away and let me work these pipes.

Ooo, I'd love you to work my pipe.

Yep, just as I thought, there's the blockage.

Where? Your asshole looks clear from this angle. In fact, I could fit my whole tongue right up that ass.

I'd like my payment in cheque. I don't want any of your faggy cash thank you very much.

Goal Digger

You know, you looked a lot slimmer in your clothes....

The Brian Ironic Interviews

So what conclusion have you come to Brian?

Maybe that I have too many DVDs. And that I identify too much with Ozymandias from the Watchmen comic.

How so? You're a gay?

Besides that. I know I have a gay man's face but it's not about sexuality. Why do you keep pursuing if I am homosexual or not?

Possible homosexual.

What I meant is, in the way Adrian Veidt tried to save the human race from nuclear war.

Ah, I see. And that's what you've been trying to do is it Brian?

Don't talk to me in that condescending tone please.

I apologise.

But to answer your question. Yes. That is exactly what I have been trying to do.

Not just dressing up in a suit everyday and pretending to go to work then? Because your Mom actually thinks you have a job.

Look! What I do is real. What Mr. Veidt in Watchmen was trying to archive was real. That's why I always wear my Watchmen pin on my lapel.

Lapel. That's a French word isn't it?

Oh fuck off Dave. If you're going to talk to me like I'm some kind of fucking Mongoloid the deal is off. No more interview. That means no more thesis.

You're right. I again apologise. Now Brian, please can we continue...?

Office Soar

You okay with that questionnaire Phil?

Ah, well, yeah, I guess. I mean, most of it is standard stuff.

Uh-huh. So where's there problem?

Well it's the part just here.

Let me see. Oh yes, I see. You're talking about the question underneath previous attendances.

Yeah, the one that says "Do you like to fuck hardcore?"

Oh yes. So why are you stuck on that one? You're a married guy right? You at least must have a girlfriend or mistress. So this should be an easy question for you.

I have an idea. Why don't I just draw these big titties here.

Hey, they look remarkably like my wife's breasts.

Yeah, funny that.

Onions.

My burger could use some of that onion, if only you would stop being such a little bitch with it...

Bring The Noise.

Aw, hell! You've scribbled spurting dicks, curly mustaches and filthy words on the pages of my magazine. First you put a massive dent in the door of my car, then you call my mother a 'bitch' at her birthday party and now this. What's more is...

Whoa, I'm just gonna interrupt you there for a second while I go ahead and turn the volume up on the tv ... there it is, that's better! You can continue your ranting if you wish.

Swan-Z

I've met a bunch of cool people since the company expanded the cafeteria to each of the departments. Where are you from?

I'm Pete. I work in Finance. I'm from Swansea.

'Swansea', eh? Never heard of it. Sounds like a goddamn Al Qaeda hideout to me. Working the company's finances to fund your sick little organisation's hate crimes, are we...?

Soothing Salve.

Hey man, don't feel so bad. It was an accident. You shouldn't blame yourself over things you can't control. Listen, I'll let you slip a finger into my butt if it'll cheer you up?

To Hell With This...

Breast Wishes.

Joey, you're up. What have you learned this week that you'd like to present to the rest of the class?

When me, my brothers and my mother go to bed at night, my father will stay up and log into various chat rooms asking any women he meets to show him their breasts. The breasts can be located around here on the skeleton. Sometimes, my dad will ask other men to show him their breasts.

I Don't Work Out. I'm Just Naturally Buff-As-Fuck.

Richard Gere

Ah Herschel my friend, how have you been?

Oh Elijah. Good to see you. I am very well thank you.

What have you been doing with yourself other than Jewish stuff?

I dabbled in the cinema the other night.

Oh really? What did you see? Nothing scandalous I hope.

No, just a story about a man and his dog called Hachi.

WHAT? You saw Hachi?

Yes. It was lovely. Is there a problem with that my friend?

Oy vey! Yes, there is. Don't you know about Richard Gere?

No.

Richard Gere isn't just a filthy Buddhist but he's a- He's a monster!

Do tell.

Well Richard Gere likes to make clones of himself, murder them and then have sex with them. Then he revives them with necromancy and asks them "Was it good for you?" Then he kills them again and places them in his ex-wife; Cindy Crawford's bed, so that she thinks she has killed him in her sleep, but it's really just his clone.

Wow. I never knew an actor's life could be so exciting.

Enough of that Herschel. Remember, we are Jews.

What The Dickens?

Jeez! Do all of Charles Dickens' stories involve this much rollerskating?

Successful Applicant.

We provide a service where we take a client's individual circumstances and build a bespoke financial solution. We're specifically looking for an applicant with excellent personal skills. Somebody not afraid to ask difficult questions. Somebody with enough experience and intelligence to take the information and build it into a great solution. Have you any experience in this kind of work?

Well, I fought and defeated Dolph Lundgren once.

Kunt & The Gang : Fred And Rose.

Ink And Out

Oh honey! I'm so glad you're home. Guess what I did today while you were at work? I went to the tattooist's in town and got another tattoo. One that goes really well with the little Chinese kanji on the back of my neck. Wanna see it?



Now be honest, do you like it?


Get out of my house.

Whitey.

Whoa, what the fuck is this? Everything beyond the city is nothing but pure, white, empty space. I suppose I had better pull my dick out to mark this phenomenon...

Go, Go, Go Shorty.

Happy 20th Anniversary, TMNT movie.