Joe Ratzinger: God Cop Ep.2

I walk these streets, the streets of Vatican City. These streets are my streets and I know them like the back of my prayer book. I look upon all this Godless trash who have no idea what he awaiting them when they depart this earth. Well son, I'll tell you what's waiting for you. An eternity in Hell!!! As I cruise by in my God squad car, I see the unwed mothers hanging out at the coffee bars laughing at their friends dirty joke about a penis or something equally as vulgar. They laugh, yeah, they'll laugh when they're being fucked senseless by demons in the very pits of damnation. That'll be quite the laugh won't it ladies? And the bozo on the corner with his Armani suit and mobile phone. He cares to call all his buddies and his casual women, but does he care to contact his Heavenly father? I don't think so. He's too busy for that. Too busy for God huh? You can never been too busy for God!!! When you're on your death bed, dying from a tumour that you're mobile phone has caused and you call out the Lord's name. Will he be too busy to listen to your plea? Wise up people. Don't fuck with God or I'll slap you upside the head... Biblically o'course.

Our Lucky Winner.

Hey Mark, this package came through the mail for you.

Oh great, thank you. I wonder what it is ... oh wait, there's a note attached. It reads "Congratulations on winning this 24" 'Grand Evacuator' Vibrator" ... oh, oh my ... uh ... oh well, you can never complain whenever you win something. I should probably put it through a cycle in the dishwasher before getting to work with it.

Earth Hour.

'Earth Hour'? A time for the people of the world to switch off their lights in aid of 'climate change'. Jesus, Pete! Who came up with that bullshit?

I did. We've been doing it for the last few years now. Last year, 23 million people were admitted to emergency clinics worldwide with all kinds of injuries - due to them not being able to see what they're doing or where they're going.

You're a sick man, Pete.

Holding Out For a Hero

Motherfucker actually Hadoukens.

Premiere Man.

If you've ever visited a film premiere at London's Leicester Square, then chances are you will have encountered this mumbling lunatic. I shot this quick piece of video and added subtitles for the hard of hearing. Simply because I love him.

Scrapbooking.

Ah, yes. Keeping a scrapbook of events really helps to preserve the memories.

Oh hey, look at this photo. This was taken when I photographed myself putting a bunch of walnuts up your arse while you slept. Do you remember that? I think we were both surprised how many walnuts you could hold in there. Holy shit! I just remembered - we called you 'buttnuts' for, like, a year after. ha-ha-ha! Buttnuts! Buttnuts!

C.V.

I don't think I should need to be writing a C.V. at my age, but let's see what we have so far ... My name is Robert Young. Date of birth. Employment history, achievements. I suppose I should write a little about myself. Ok. Well ... "I enjoy devoting much of my recreational time to fishing, gardening and jogging. I have a demonic twin brother. He is three feet tall and three feet wide. He wears a Jester's outfit and has a thing for cracking eggs with his penis. He gets terribly jealous at times and doesn't favour me going out and meeting people. He has also served a life sentence for kidnapping a pregnant woman". Shit, I should probably leave that last bit out.

Wintons! By J. Sparks.

(Available in HD, where available)

Quentin Tarantino

Oh my word. Really?

Yep. Blood all over the place. I was covered in it. Silly woman behind the counter just wouldn't hand over the diamonds so I put a bullet in her. Boo-ka!!!

Dear God! Then what happened?

Well, the filth burst into the jewellery store and tried to take me down. But I wasn't going down without a fight. I took out three of them pigs in the shootout and made it out the bank with the loot. It was like Reservoir Dogs it was.

You said you were in a jewellery store.

Did I?

Yes.

Did I also mention I have Alzheimer's?

I Didn't Do It

Okay scumbag, we know you murdered the girl now come nice and quietly and there won't be any trouble. Got it?

NO! NO! I'VE BEEN FRAMED I TELL YOU! FRAMED!!!

Circa 1983

Jimmy, are you a retard? What part of this is a Star Wars themed birthday party didn't you understand?

I'm sorry.

Hey Jimmy, it's you that looks like the clown, not us.

Dino Crisis!!!

Yes, I agree, the dino problem is... A problem. We must gather our forces against the coming days of darkness and the eventual takeover of the dinosaurs. But I thin-



What was that darling? I'm in the middle of a conversation with-

No you're not Zach. Put down the phone and stop talking to yourself.

Dammit woman, how many times I got to tell you not to mention that in public. When I speak into the phone, I AM TALKING to somebody on it. Get it?

Zach, you worry me, you really do.

Look, I'm taking those God awful pills the doctor gave me. What more do you want? Now let me get back to my job damn it! I'm trying to save the world from those foul beasts from the depths known only as Dinosaurs.

Zach, please. You've got to stop this obsession with the dinosaurs. They aren't coming back to life. They died millions of years ago, you have nothing to worry about darling.

THEY ARE COMING BACK!!! THEY ARE!!! THEY ARE!!! THEY ARE!!!

Please Zach. You're making a scene. Listen, calm down and why don't you have a chat with your pal Simon tonight. He may be able to reassure you.

But Simon is a bastard.

I know he is. He's also a cunt but that's not the issue here. How about calling him tonight?

He never picks up his cell phone an-

How about an online chat?

Yes! Good plan.

---

LATER THAT NIGHT.

Dinohunter_Zach262: Hey buddy, how's it going?

Sybastard: Fine, fine. Just been blackmailing a girl I know :) If she doesn't pay me 15,000 bucks I'm going to tell her husband we've been banging each other.

Dinohunter_Zach262: Why?

Sybastard: Cuz I'm a right bastard and I love money. Hehe!

Dinohunter_Zach262: Jane asked me to talk to you because she says I'm obsessing over dinosaurs again.

Sybastard: Shit! Again with the fucking dinos. Stop watching Jurassic Park and fucking pull yourself together man!

Dinohunter_Zach262: Oh!

Sybastard has left the chat.

Dinohunter_Zach262: Simon? Hello? Simon you still there? Dammit Simon! You are such a bastard!

Git Money, Git Paid.

Dragnet Music Video.

Dragnet music video, Dan Ackroyd and Tom Hanks. Rapping.

Vagrant Fiddle Hero : World Tour

Good God, you got 100% for Ozzy's 'Crazy Train' on Expert. I've never seen anybody reach more than four stars for that song, especially on that difficulty. Matter of fact, I don't think I've ever seen 'Vagrant Fiddle Hero : World Tour' playing as good as that in my entire life!