The story of one cockney's dream of becoming an Ice Hockey superstar.
Coming Soon!
Calvin, I need to talk to you.
Sure thing sweetheart. What is it?
I got a phone call this morning.
Oh how nice. I get them too from time to time.
The call was from your boss.
Yeah? And...?
And he informed me you haven't shown up at the office for the past month.
I know, I didn't wanna go to work anymore.
What do you mean; "Didn't want to go to work anymore"?
Well, it's not like you have to go all the time is it? I thought it'd be cool to, you know, like, stay at home and pet the dog or watch a football game on TV. That kinda stuff. What's this all about anyway? Is my boss upset with me or something?
Oh that's to say the least. In fact, he's so upset he called to let you know you're fired.
Shiiiiiiit. No way. Really?
Really.
But why'd he fire me like that? I was his best employee.
You obviously weren't Calvin or he wouldn't have fired you. That's what happens when you don't bother to show up for work. You get fired.
Yeah, so? No need to fire my ass.
God Calvin, how many times do I have to explain this to you? This is what, the fourth job you've had this year and it's only February. Christ Almighty! It's like trying to communicate with a gorilla!!!
Damn. Guess I fucked up didn't I?
Ya think?
I don't care what you are. You're nothing but a bunch of Hollywood slags to me. Now I ain't got all day here. You gonna spit it out or what?
Well, there's a lot of great scripts here for your consideration.
I'm listening.
Ah... Let me see... Ah yes. There's Crank 3: Ultimate Voltage.
What? Another bloody Crank? You've gotta be kidding me. You must be a bloody crank.
Of course Mr. Statham.
Hey, we got The Transporter 4 script here! Hot off the press. How about that one?
Listen here Missy, I don't wanna do no more cockney banger-ups. I wanna do more of your Citizen Kanes.
But I just think you should consider doing another Transporter becaus-
Shut it you slag, you muppet.
But Stath, we're just trying to give you some options here. And please don't be rude to Miss Carla like that. She is sensitive.
Fuck off will ya. I ain't got no time for sensitive slags. And another thing, don't you ever call me Stath. No one expect my mother calls me that and if she did she'd get her head bashed in.
Ah look, you made her cry.
I'll make you cry in a minute Sonny Jim. SCRIPTS! Gimme a bleeding script here that's worth a shit.
How about a zombie flick?
Nah, not my style. Too cliche.
What about a pirate movie? You know like Johnny Depp? Argh!
Don't patronize me you cunt!
Oh, oh, what about a gay interest picture?
Bollocks to that! You want a kick in the brain? I ain't no arse fiddler like that Shane Penn.
Sean.
Fuck off. You saying I'm stupid?
No, no of course not.
I'm watching you faggot-face. I'll go cockney kung-fu bastard on your arse if you say one more thing outta order.
Paul W.S Anderson called a few days ago and wondered if you'd be interested in doing a Death Race 2?
I should clip his ear for that. I don't do sequels.
But-
Leave it!
Mr. Statham...
Shut it. You nutters must think coz I'm English that I must be stupid like that wossname rat who everyone hated from Star Wars.
His name was Jar-
The rat's name was your mother.
We need to agree.
Alright then. I agree that you're all a bunch of pussies.
This is getting us nowhere.
Do I look like your grandfather?
No...
Well I may not be your grandfather but I'll still bend you over my knee and spank you like the old codger.
My word!
Listen here you Hollywood bastards, I've decided what I wanna do. I'm going to take all these scripts and mix 'em all into one movie. And that's FINAL.
Hun listen...
NO CALVIN!!! You listen and you listen good!!! You've betrayed me. Do you understand that???
But what'd I do?
I just told you!!! You. Have. Betrayed. Me. It's that simple. Not to mention you have broken your vows. The very vows you made in the sight of God!!!
I love Jesus babe. I ain't got no problem with the big man upstairs.
I'm not talking about you having any problem with God. I'm talking about the fact you have broken your marriage vows which you made in a church in front of the eyes of God.
Listen woman, I just done told ya. Me and God ain't got no shit going down. We cool.
Calvin you fucking brick, listen to the words I am saying. You broke your marriage vows, you cheated on me!!!
I didn't cheat none baby. All I did was fuck that bitch from the strip joint.
I KNOW!!! And that is cheating!!! Sleeping with another woman counts as breaking your marriage vows!!!
It does. Shiiiiit. Really??? My bad.
I'm throwing you out Calvin. Just go!!!
But why???