Splatter Platter.

Hey, what are those onion ring-looking things over there?

Blanched labias.

Witch Trial.

We interrupt this witch trial for a few moments of very important upside-down dangling.

Holy shit, look at him dangle!

Ye Olde Days V

BEHOLD MY KING!!! I have returned to you from the neitherrealm. And lo, I have brought to you, my king and people of the mortal world the great book of generic magic. For it was when I was trapped in the dark tombs of darkness by the beast of darkness that I, Sir Carmine Ric'hard did find this book. And it was magic that henceforth brought me back to being. Not any magic. Not kingly magic, nor devil magic. But the great magic. Mr. Magica's magic!!!

Mr Who now's magic?

My king, he is a great sorcerer, fit for legend. But my tale also comes with a warning. Oh a terrible warning!!! And thus, there will be 'tisms. BAP-tisms!!! Of fire... And FLAME!!!

Hold on here one second Sir Carmine. I'm no scholar but isn't fire and flame the same sort of thing?

Oh my dear king. If only, if only.

Sounds like a lot of rubbish to me. Are you sure you didn't bump your head or something.

SILENCE!!! For if you speak ill of the great Mr. Magica. He will indeed overthrow you and your kingdom.

Oh really. Well where is he? I'll give him a fight so I will.

King, please.... PLEASE!!!

This boy is insane!!!

Wait Sire!

See? See, even your priests believe.

Wait a moment, this book isn't even made of real paper. It's just some leaves held together with dried faeces. And it doesn't say anything on it except some crude writing which reads; "Make a prat of the king."

WHAT?

My king, your priest is wrong. It actually says; "The king is a cunt."

WHAT?

I thought it was pretty funny myself.

OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!

What? No sense of humour?

Raj's Gauntlet

Mumbai, India.

Bloody door frame, all cracked and falling apart. I've had enough. I am calling a carpenter to sort this problem out, once and for all. Ah, here's a local one. Hello? Is this Mr. Carpenter man from local directory?




Hello my love, what can I do for ya?

Excuse me, I can hardly hear you Mr. Carpenter person.

Sorry my darlin', but I'm in the middle of a job, I'm using the old hands free at the mo.

Your speaking is very cryptic my friend. Tell me, are you a devil?

What's that my old bottle top?

Your accent? You are not from around here are you?

You'd be right there tiny tot. I'm originally from Devon.

And now you have decided to work in Mumbai?

Mumboy what?

In india, my friend.

Nah my little fiddlestick. My shop's in Wiltshire.

Wiltshire, India???

No. Wiltshire, England.

Noooooooooooooooooo! Bloody, fucking hell no!!!

You don't like Wiltshire then?

No, I fucking don't. I fucking hate it!!! I want a carpenter from India. Not bloody Britain!!!

That's good then, because I don't do mends as far out as India.

I've had it! I'm just going to tell you goodbye now.

Righty oh. Goodnight my lickle slumdog.

What??? Come over here and say that you British bastard you!!!

....................................................................

Hello?

.....................................................................

Fucking dammit!!!

Always A Pleasure To Meet A Jedi

KAMINO.

Ah, the force is strong with this one. It seems I can't turn this water to the darkside to bend it to my will making it fill my sith bottle. It matters not. If it can not be turned then it shall be destroyed! I will strike this Brita filter jug down. But wait, what if it becomes more powerful than I can possibly imagine? Hmm, better not then. Best just fill my sith bottle up best I can. That, or I could just fill the bottle up from ocean. But what fun would that be?

Fortunate Biscuits.

Ooh Steven looks pretty rough, is he gonna be alright?

There's only way to find out. Here, Steven. This fortune cookie will determine your fate. Just read the note inside, you don't have to eat the cookie or anything. They're pretty gross. You wouldn't want that cookie to be the last thing you taste.

Turning Meat Into Meals!

I need a catchy slogan to be displayed on my fleet of vans. Something anybody can see and instantly relate to ... how about; "Ned's Mobile Deli; Not Just A Meat Wagon!".

Wow - yeah, that's amazing. People will really respond to that. Say, I'm thinking you chose to become a butcher after your blossoming career in public relations fizzled out?

Sleepless In Seattle.

Oh, Hello?
- Oh, Hello?

Who is this?
- Who is this?

Hold, on. Your voice sounds familiar.
- Hold, on. Your voice sounds familiar.

Wait a sec ... what the hell!? I've called myself. How the fuck have I managed to call myself!?
- I don't know.

Birthday Boy

(Available in HD where available)

This Video Deserves 'Fucking Hell...' Somewhere In The Title.

Available in glorious HD.

Vagina Cement : On Sale In Selected Outlets.

Wolfmudda.

You son of a bitch! I can't believe you pulled that old, sudden-rise-in-the-volume-while-I'm-wearing-headphones 'trick' on me. You'd feel bad for killing me with a Wolfmother-enduced heart attack. I mean, nobody wants to die listening to Wolfmother. People would spit on you in the streets for causing that kind of shit.

Don't Stop, Git It-Git It!

Tru Playa

Please view the video on it's YouTube page for best image and aspect quality.

(Not available in HD, you bastards)

Trépasseur.

...really? So you're currently trespassing on my land to steal some of the foul-tasting hobograpes, cuntywillows and smegmapples I'm growing to help feed your starving kids? Seriously!? Fuck it, go ahead - Be my guest! I hope your kids enjoy my shitty vegetables.

Swine Flu.

Buying The Cow.

This is pointless, Bob. I mean, what the hell are you going to do with that cow once you've managed to lasso it - "Oh great, now I can drag this quarter-ton animal around with me. Maybe I will drag it back to my house where it can piss and shit all over my stuff..."? This is stupid, I'm going to have to leave. Good luck with this shit, slick. Hey I've got an idea, why don't you lasso yourself a dick or something?

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Yeah, I guess you could say I've always lived my life like a terminator. I usually listen to at least Four hours of Daft Punk a day and practice my dead serious, no emontion facial expression, just to keep myself all roboty. I think I realised what I wanted to do with my life the first time I saw James Cameron's Terminator and I saw Arnie take his eye out to reveal a robot eye, thus explaining that he was a robot from the future and then he said "I Will Be Back" to that policeman. Yeah, that was great. As I watched, I thought, I would like to do that when I grow up. And here I am at 27, living the dream. Being a full time employed Terminator. Doesn't get any better than this. Today I am Terminator 3.

Raj And The Lost Art Of Heresy

Mumbai, India.




Dammit! I knew this DVD was too good to be true. Bloody thing won't play these cheap ass Indian pirate copies I purchased for 5 rupees each. What a scam. Oh wait, I seem to remember seeing a helpline number in the manual. Ah, yes, here we go.

Hello my little peach tree. Punjab-Tech customer services. What may I do for you today?

Yes. I have a complaint.

That's great Sir. I'll just ask you to fill out this form for me in duplicate.

How am I suppose to fill out a form over the telephone?

You'll find a way Slumdog. You always do.

Excuse me, what did you call me?

That's perfect. It just means you absolve Punjab-Tech industries of all fault in this particular matter.

But you haven't even heard my complaint yet. Wait a second, your voice. You're not from India are you?

No Sir. My Name's Robbie. What's yours?

Not your stupid name! I want to know where you are? I can barely understand your accent.

I'm at my desk of course, talking to you Sir.

No, what country are you in?

Britain, Sir.

Britain! Bloody Britain?! I buy an Indian DVD player and when I get onto the helpline it's in bloody Britain?!

Yeah! Isn't it great?

But the helpline should be in India for an Indian company. Not some other country like Britain!

Yeah, now you know how we feel... Cunt.

Excuse me?

.........................................................................

Bugger hung up on me.

Refunds.

Oh William, this is beauti-

Whoa, woman! What the hell is wrong with you!? You better open that box more carefully in case I need to return that shit.

Fat Woman Falls.

Bagless Cylinder Vacuum Cleaner 3.11

We're proud to announce that our new 'Bagless Cylinder Vacuum Cleaner' operates on a revolutionary new friction-based technology. You can power the whole system by simply running the vacuum along the surface you wish to clean. You can also power the device manually by twisting the wind-up mechanism on the top of the cylinder. This will save money for the consumer, and our Earth's resources in energy. Oh, it looks like we have a question from the audience...

Yeah, can I get the Google from your fancy vacuum cleaner?

Elf Party.

Hey Tom, why don't you crack open that skull of yours and we'll get this little soiree underway - oh, what the hell is this!? Miniatures! Who the fuck brings miniatures to a party? That's it, you're now uninvited. Take your shitty miniatures and go get drunk with a fuckin' elf or something.

Pit Stop.

That's 54 laps - you're doing great, kid! Remember to stay focused and you'll win this race by a mile. Just let me know when you're ready to get going again, and I'll take my thumb out of your ass...

What Ever Happened To Anti Analysis?

Hey Chow, my computer's not working.

What'd you mean Jimmy? You're computer no work?

No, it's not that. I mean, it does work.

So what problem Jimmy?

The problem is, I can't log into my porno site.

Oh yeah, that new measures set by company. They block all sex sites. They no like employees being perverts.

Well I am pervert Chow and I need my porno so I can have my afternoon tea break wank. Oh well, I'll just have to log into the Sainsbury's website and have a look at their lingerie pages. Nah, you know what, fuck all this shit! I'm going there for myself.

You off to Sainsbury's now?

Yeah, tell the boss he can fuck his job 'cause I need to blow my load.

(Later at Sainsbury's. By the changing rooms.)



Oh yeah, come to me baby. I can almost taste this jacket. I might just leave it's owner a little wet and slimey present inside one of the pockets. Yeah, let's just do that.

Ridin' Big Red.

Working For Mickey D

Heeeeeeeeello McDonalds. How may I help you?

Is this Ronald McDonald?

Yes it is.

Ah, yeah, I'd like to make a complaint.

Yessir, what can I do for ya?

Yeah, me and my children were at one of your restaurants in Kansas City and we all had a strawberry milkshake-

No burgers or fries?

No, just milkshakes.

No Chicken McNuggets?

No, listen, were vegans we don't eat meat at all.

Oh shit, really?

Yeah, really.

So what are you doing drinking milkshakes. I thought you weirdos didn't drink milk and shit. Cows are for calfs and all that garbage.

We were hungry okay?!

So you got a milkshake?

Yeah, we got fucking milkshakes. This is all besides the point. The point is, we all had a milkshake and we all became violently ill afterwards.

God really? What a coincidence.

It wasn't no coincidence. We saw one of your employees over by the Mcflurries putting something from a little bottle into the milkshakes.

So why'd you drink them?

Well I thought it was flavouring or something. But I was tested after my bout of illness and it came back that I'd been poisoned!

Damn, that is bad luck. But I'm quite reliably informed that we use arsenic in our strawberry flavouring.

What kind of monster are you?!!! It nearly killed me and my kids!!!

Listen here you! I'm the sire of God's red fire son so don't you be fucking with me or my franchise or you'll find more than poison in your Goddamn milkshakes!!! You got me?!!!

........................................................

Hello? You still there?

........................................................

Ah, another satisfied customer.

Venti, by J. Sparks

In glorious HD where available!

RIP Sweet Princess.

Ok, what can I do for you?

Just gimme the Anna Nicole Smith special ... only extra slutty. Got to preserve the memory.

Are You Gonna Be My Girl?

Three tickets, my man!

Ok - Hey wait a sec, have you kids been waiting all night for this ticket office to open? I mean, have you seriously camped outside all night in this shitty part of town for three fuckin' tickets to a goddamn 'Jet' concert!? What the hell is wrong with you kids!? What made you think there would be a queue of people wanting to see this shit enough to actually camp ... oh, you know what? Fuck this. I'm gonna have to call the police on you.

To Me, To You...

Whoa, you be careful there with those comically-stacked cartoon boxes. They cost me a fortune. I can't afford to have them hilariously topple over.

Plating Shitter.

Wow! Great job on cleaning, polishing and organising those plates, Sandy! I mean, I can't believe you managed to get all this work done in only six hours! Say, would you mind handing me over a plate ... but like, one that hasn't been dumped on the floor ... or had your fat, sweaty ass sat on it for six hours?

WTF? Gods Fighting.

Livin' Large.

The Wilbrhams On: UFOs

So I'm on a quiet country road one night.

Very dark night I believe it was.

Yes, frightfully dark.

Raining too.

Yes, there was a downpour.

Very cold-

Yes, enough about the bloody weather. It's the incident that's important.

Oh, the incident. What a frightening experience.

Yes. Quite so dear. It rattled Hoslin to say the least.

I was shaking.

I was shaking too. But with fury!!! Yes, so anyway, we were driving back from Carmichael's 40th party and as I came round a turn in the road we were hit.

By a light!

Yes, it, well, it flooded our vision!

Then the light dimmed.

Yes, it dimmed and there in the sky was a giant saucer. Like the type you see in those 50s B-movies.

Then there was a beam of light. It was bright blue!!!

Yes, very blue-ish green I'd say. It appeared to convey some creatures, for lack of a better word. Then the light disappeared and there stood, in the middle of the road...

Little green men!!!

Yes, they appeared to be Aliens from another planet. Either that, or they were French.

No dear, they weren't wearing berets.

Oh yes, that's right. They were in shiny silver suits. No berets to be seen.

I gave out a cry.

Yes, she did do a little scream for herself.

A little one.

Like Tinkerbell small wouldn't you say?

Oh yes, very small. More of a gasp really.

Then these... Things approached the car.

Reginald wasn't having any of that.

No I certainly wasn't! I put my foot down and ran the little buggers over in my car.

Reg likes to do that to bunnies and birds that wander into the road. Don't you sweetheart?

Well! They have no place on the roads. Roads are for cars. Not bloody animals and aliens and all the rest of those rotters.

Reg once hit a black man who was walking on the roadside. Didn't you swee-

We don't mention the coloured man Hoslin. You know that.

Thankfully, the black man wasn't too injured. Just a few broken ribs.

Indeed....

Victorian Transient's Got Talent

Chief! I've found some! There's a whole bunch of 'em hiding behind this wooden border.

Ah, yes! These mites will be perfect additions to our dance group. The more pathetic their circumstances, the more chance we have of winning 'Victorian Transient's Got Talent'.

...hey, let's make them fight each other for a little while.

Oh, absolutely.

Touristpoints.

Welcome to New York, folks! Please enjoy your vacation. Oh, and remember; the first one of you to murder a hooker and dump their remains in a Starbucks restroom wins 10 Touristpoints.

Politics.

Gentlemen! I've just received this letter from the government stating that all black dwellers are now entitled to sit on the first step of their massa's porch. They are no longer resigned to the second or 'last' step. Damn, now we're giving our first step away to them!? That's some bullshit, fellas. Our government just keeps finding new ways to fuck us over and over, man.

Sign Making.

Pete, make sure you punctuate this offer of 'four pounds of sour root for the price of two' with ... THREE ... exclamation marks. Yeah, you heard me - THREE exclamation marks! Motherfuckers won't know what the fuck to do when they see a bad-ass tri-force of exclamation marks all up on this sign.

Natalie's Rap.

WTF? Baseball Brawl.

Camouflage.

Mike, this camouflage design you painted on me is pretty lousy. I mean, really - what the fuck am I gonna 'blend in' with around here!? Honestly, I look like a fuckin' tool. The entire Navy is less gay than I look right now...

Pak Man

Oh goody, goody, I am not your traditional Pakistani man you know. Oh no, no sir, I am all into your modern world. Oh yes, I like America. I even watched the Mickey Mouse... Once. Modern living is a hobby of mine. Yesterday I went to your electrical store and bought the ipods. The assistant was very helpful and informed me that, to enjoy music fully I would need a shuffle, nano and the ipod classic. I am very grateful to this man. Now I can truly enjoy my Junoon's new album in high quality HD stereo. Ah yes, I am very lucky man.

Wild Wild West.

Questionnaire Mit Black Man

I know what you want to ask me friend. And the answer is yes. I do have a awesomely large cock. And yes, it does get me girls. Break'em in half I do. That's just how I roll.

Ye Olde Days IV

Son, I'm afraid you're just not tall enough for a sword yet.

But Father when shall I be tall enough?

I don't know. How about we try again next year?

But Father, you say that I'm too short every year.

I know. But I don't think you understand the gravitas of this situation Son. You see, when you own a sword it is a very special weapon that is personal to it's specific user. Do you understand what I mean by that?

Not really Father.

Well, in layman's terms; It ain't all slashing and hueing off heads and running men through with your sword.

It's not?

Actually, yeah it is. Hehe. But you're still not having a sword.

Richardson.