William James Mercer.

I've just come back from doing the most amazing poo. There was nothing extraordinary about the process. I did what needed to be done, got up to wipe, peered down at my empire ... and fuck me ... I'd only done a poo in the shape of a cock and balls! It had the most amazing definition and attention to detail I've ever seen! It was as if the toilet itself were flashing me a cheeky glimpse of it's beautifully-rendered gentials.

Luckily, I was using a McDonald's facilities and was thus able to share this phenomeon with idle members of the general public. Members of the public who may have been disappointed with the appearance of their deposits. "Users of the public toilet, I am William James Mercer, and I have created the most epic of oddities you are ever likely to encounter. Feast your hungry eyes at what's down here...", I exclaimed. A curious young boy sauntered over, leaned over the bowl and his eyes widened with awe. The boy began to weep until he wept all the fluid in his body, before running out of the room.

Unable to immediately wash away this unexpected gem, I merely reached into the bowl to give it a gentlemanly handshake and walked out of the room and on my way.

...the boy's mother awaited me, herself weeping. She stared forcibly and called me a "fucking disgrace".