Bootpaddle.

Hey Gerry - We had such a great game of bootpaddle going before this group of shitheads turned up and started hollerin’, hootin, gamblin’, drinkin’ and gropin’ the female spectators!

I know! Bootpaddle used to be the sport of Kings, but these obnoxious supporters have completely turned it's once noble name to shit. Oh well, at least there is some good pussy in the crowd nowadays...

Cannon Fodder.

- What are you campaigning, Sir?

- What this campaign is about ... well, it's about love.

Cat Scratch Fever

Man innocently walking down the street singing to himself a Biffy Clyro tune.

#Angels fall to the floor, like they would if I was captain, Silver children she roared, I'm not the# SONOFABITCH! Ow! Something just scratched my fucking head!

It was me.

Hey you! Was it you cat?

Yes, I just said it was me. You got a hearing problem?

No. But why the hell did you just scratch my head like that?

Because one, it's funny and Two, because I don't like you, you long haired geek. You're too fucking... Blond!

Hey, that's a Fight Club quote. You've seen Fight Club?

Well I can talk so is it really that unbelievable that I've seen that film?

I suppose not.

The guy that owns me loves that movie.

Hmm, you know when I woke up this morning, last thing I could have possibly imagined would be this. Me standing here talking to you, a cat.

Yeah, life's funny like that ain't it?

Yeah, I guess it is.

That was a rehetorical question you dolt! I guess blonds really are as dumb as they say.

Hey!

Get you hair cut you fucking hippy or I'll scratch you again! Oh and have a shave too. You scuffy bastard.

Santana Claus.

Listen, son. There isn't a Santa, so stop worrying and get on with your life.

Visualising Your Dreams.

Gentleman Gaga

Damn, they make Lady Gaga in a pill now? What can't they do with science these days? Well, my doctor did prescribe this so I guess it must be safe. Let's just pop one of these babies and see what happens...



I want your love and all your lover's revenge... You and me could write a bad romance... Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh... Caught in a bad romance... Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh.. Caught in a bad romance.

Fuck! That was a trippy. I could see and almost taste Lady Gaga... I think I'm gonna just go throw up now.

Jest Drive.

- Hey mister, could I take a test drive in that car?

- Sure thing, buddy! Elephant's just taking a bath, though. We'll go as soon as he's finished up.

B.O. Box.

Listen up kids, I cannot be fucked to deliver the rest of these letters. So, here, take 'em! I can now go back to the depot and tell my boss that these 'freaky-lookin' black kids robbed me of my delivery', and he'll give me the next two months off of work with pay!

Good-Bye, England's Rose...

In true 1080i wherever playback is available. This level of sophisticated technology was completely necessary for a video of this quality...

Bob Carolgees: A Life In Comedy

Good evening and welcome to this tribute to Bob Carolgees who sadly passed away from a puppet related fatality. He was a beloved star of TV, a presenter, comic legend, right wing entertainer and author of the Neo-Christian novel; Godhelm: The Book Of God's Almighty Justice. A book that was publicly criticised for it's dennouncement of gays. Carolgees is survived by his wife Carol Carolgees and son Michael Carolgees. Otherwise known as lottery millionaire Michael Caroll. I have him with us at this time.

Michael, can you tell me why no one even knew the infamous Michael Caroll was Bob Carolgees' son?




Because I didn't want to be associated with him. I dropped "gees" off the end of my name because gees reminds me of Bee Gees. I hate the bleeding Bee Gees.

Let's talk about your father's faithful dog Spit.

Oh him. Sadly Spit was put down shortly following my father's death. He won't be joining us at this time... Or ever. Can you believe my Dad wanted me to go into showbiz too, like him. I couldn't have done that for a living so decided to go on the social instead.

That is sad news. How is your mother taking all this? Is Carol your real mother?

Yeah and No.

And by that you mean?

She is my biological mother but the sea has always felt like my true mother.

Oh were you a sailor?

No. I just feel a kinship with the briny deep.

Getting back to your father. Let's talk about his carrer and little. He was much loved by the public and appeared on the royal variety performance numerous times. But I think it was his darker times when he went "gay for pay" to pay the bills that we are interested in.

The movies were called Anus Antics and Jam Defender. They both starred my Dad; Bob and "Spunk" the dog. Ulgh! Look out for the close-up/long shot of my Dad ram raiding a backwards/reverse puss. Minging!

It sounds as though you are very bitter about it.

Wouldn't you be? For years I called myself Dorothy Paler purely because I was ashamed of the Carolgees name and what it was synonymous with.

And that was?

Dicks up men's arses! Infact, it even became a gay term in the gay community. Giving him a right "Carolgees". You know how that makes me feel? Sick! If it hadn't been for all that wonderful money those lottery bastards gave me I don't know how I'd have survived.

Michael? Do you love?

Never. Purely by heavy rain.

I understand. I guess in the end you could say Bob Carolgees wasn't just a goofy cunt with a moustache and a puppet dog. No, he was something much, much more. He was me, he was you. He was our mother, our sister and our cousin. He was Bob... And always will be.

BOB CAROLGEES
1948-2009

Fuck's Brought This On?

Huh?

Watch it before the dicks in charge of YouTube remove it.

Mock ... YEAH! ... ing ... YEAH! ... bird ... YEAH!

This is bullshit! How come you get to partner up with your super-smart siamese twin brother, and I have to partner with this stupid mockingbird? Incidentally, I get the only silent mockingbird in the entire history of the damn species! Matter of fact, I have a great idea! Hey, Chan - How about you come and pair up with me for a few games? I'll totally make it worth your while. I'll give you a dozen silver coins for each game we win, and I'll put in a good word with Doctor Russell at the private clinic to see about getting you sawn apart from your stupid, greedy twin brother...

Motorboatin'.

Not Gun To.

Not available in HD - I really couldn't be bothered to sit and wait for that to happen.

Surfin'.

- What are you doing?

- I'm checking my SEA-Mails. Do you see what I did there?

- Seriously? All that build up for a shitty pun?

- No, not quite. I'm just getting warmed up before I ram my cock through the hole that I poked into the 'computer tower' over there...

Talking Feesh.

Downfall.

For Jayson.

The Butterfield Detective Agency.

Mental Note No.3

The British Imperial Occupation Of India.

Please, would you spare us some bread? We surrender. Our whole village is starving...

Oh, shoot! For sure, man. We've got tons of bread at the camp. You guys should've just said you were hungry! I mean, our regiment has been stationed here for, what, a month now? We noticed you guys were kinda wastin' away and everything ... and like, I asked my buddy Drew over there the other day; "Dude, do you think those villagers whose village we're totally occupying the shit out of, are, like, starving?" ... and Drew was all like; "Nah, they're foreigners, they have a totally different metabolism to us, you know, because they don't have any McDonald's or, like, hot dogs and shit. They eat that natural, organic shit over here. Either that, or, like, they're religious or something". I was like; "Drew, that's pretty racist. But, like, I see what you're saying. They do things differently over here". So yeah, you should'a just said something sooner. Y'all want some, like, bacon as well? I mean, bread is kinda boring on it's own.

Snowballs.

Lavender McDave

Who is that down there? Oh Lavender my boy. What are you doing here at this time of night?

Old Grey Beard, I just can't stop thinking about that story you told me.

Which one pray tell?

The one which had a mountain and a wolf in it.

They all had mountains and wolves in them.

The one with the beautiful girl in the red hood.

Oh, you mean the one where the wolf eats her Grandma?

YES! That's the one.

I told you that story when you were five.

I know. I want you to tell it to me again.

That was Twenty some years ago my boy. I've done a lot of unchristian magic since then. My memory isn't what it used to be you know.

But Grey Beard, pleeeeease. The story touched my heart so.

Oh, alright... But first touch my hair.

Nigra Parsons

Oh my God, after all these months waiting to come onto this show. I am finally here and opening my first box which will change this contestant's life forever.

So what's in the box Parsons?

I'm getting to that ya sock stiffing, lady-boy fucking, Grandma kissing, honky bastard! I just want to savor this moment.

Dude, Noel looks like he's starting to lose his patience.

Let him. If Noel touches a brother like me, he'll be in the law courts. Now shout up whitey and let me enjoy this shiz.

But dude...

Shut up whatever the hell your name is. Like anyone cares. I can just as well call you bitch.

Now be nice Parsons.

NO! You fucking be nice and I'll enjoy Deal Or No Deal right? Noel, you can stop looking at me with that stupid face too because I'll sue your ass for racism. What this game needs is some BLACK ACTION and that's what I plan on giving the people at home. Some good old fashioned Black Action. More bang for their bucks. They pay their TV licences don't they? BBC makes them fork out their hard earned money to watch TV even though no one even likes or watches fucking BBC channels. They all shit anyways. No, folks tune in to see Channel 4 shows like this one. One of the best. Now I'm ready to give the folks watching at home what they wanna see and that's a 1p box and a dutty great homosexual kiss.

Mental Note.

Insultana.

Don't Stand So Close To Me.

Fairy Soft Hands.

Potato Water.