Black Plumber

Hey Leroy, you okay over there? You ain't doing anything over there you shouldn't be are ya? 

Nah man. You thinkin' I'm stealing shit because I'm black? What, I jus' form a rap group or do a car jacking or somethin' like dat huh? I ain't on no street corner sellin' dope, ya fool. I'm jus' tryin' to fix dis bitch of a sink. 

Just checking... I wonder why this kitchen has two sinks and both are in need of repair? Hmm... Oh well, don't steal anything or rape anyone while I'm not looking Leroy.

The Taxi Driver Interviews

Hello Sir, my name is Adolf Abdul Aziz. My husband, I mean my Mama name me after famous political leader of 1930's and 80's pop sensation Paula. Job of driver of Taxi here in Botswana, it be tricky business...
I get sometimes abuse by the White Devil. He say me black bastard and other man calls Kaffir get job. I am Taxi, I don't getta job! He say get out and cut grass like dem other Kaffirs but dere no grass in Zimbabwe, you have to eat peach while falling from banana tree you not know that! I want to be seen as nice guy so I say I want give him free internet but my hands are tied! All I can offer is a reasonably expensive ride in car and possible butty sex with local girl Jamila for right price. She clean, she only have 2 sex disease now. White devil he laugh and call me fool. Fool like I water buffalo. He call me pimp like Jay-Z. He racist man like George Bush. I have no time for his chammiewaddle. I tell him I have family to feed and Taxi to drive. He harass me fifth time this week. He big game hunter with big gun so I no pursue him and stab him dead in dark of night. This is how we usually solve problem in People's United Republic of Ghana. I bid you blessings of the future and do not touch or eat melons they have A.I.D.S like Jamila.

Kitchen Nightmares

Oi! You fucking scum cunt! You pile of bollocks! Oi! This risotto is too fucking salty! Fuck all the other ingredients, all I can taste is fucking SALT!!! Why would you make it that salty? Why for Christ's sake? Why would you do that? Why?

Because I want to give everyone high blood pressure.

Timothy Ponders...

Hmm... I wonder if Jeremy Corbyn is circumcised or not?

The Taxi Driver Interviews

Yeah, hi, I'm Herb Langham, short for Herbert I guess, my mother never did explain. Yeah, I've been a taxi driver in New York City for close to twenty five years and I've seen some real crazy shit I can tell ya. Boogers, jalapenas, the whole shabang. Fuhgeddaboudit! Ya know I get a lotta passengers think I look like Danny DeVito, yeah maybe, could be worse, ya know. But I ain't a bald fuck like that Danny DeVeet, I got a nice crop of hair some say reminds 'em of Nicolas Cage. His hair, not his face obviously. Can you imagine Nicolas Cage's face in my hair? That's too fucking stupid to even think about ya hear me? Okay, okay, fuhgeddaboudit! Listen, I don't think I'm as funny as Danny DeVeet but give me an eggnog at Christmas time and I'll pull the tree over and puke on the lights. Fuhgeddaboudit! Great time for me Christmas, you get all the weirdos round that time. Once had this jerk off tell me he was Santa Claus and wanted me to take him to the North Pole. I told him, pal, unless your Dickie fucking Attenborough take a fucking hike you looney toon! Everyone knows there ain't such a place as the North Pole. Honestly, the shit I have to put up with. Fuhgeddaboudit!

Dirty Stacker

Darling, we've been married for what now? 27 years?

28 years this February.

Yes, yes and we've been happy haven't we?

Of course.

Yes and I don't know about you but I've had the most pleasant time tonight at this dinner and dance.

It's been a lovely evening.

Yes, well, you know I always like to be truthful with you and the such and well, we've been happy for so long but I'd, well I'd...

Spit it out dear.

Well I'd like to start dating other women. You know, just to see...

See what?

Well if I like another woman better than you.

But why would you do that?

Oh it's nothing against you my darling but you see I want to be riding dirty as the hip young kids say these days. I'd like a little slap and tickle if you get my meaning and well, I'm sorry to say but you're not the kind of woman I can just drop trou and piss on. It's not like I can wrap you in leather and chain you to the wall and give you a right rogering, then smear my semen all over your breasts, I couldn't very well pop a set of anal beads up your jacksie and rub your clitorus vigorously until you cum now could I? It just wouldn't be decent now would it? It  wouldn't be good sport so you see my predicament...

Gerald, I think we need to up your meds again.

Or we could do that. Yes, yes we could I suppose. Yes, jolly good show.

(1000th Post)

Ow do! Name's Michael Owens and I lived all m'life 'ere in Yorkshire. I always bin jus' a regular bloke I tell thee, nothing fancy about me until I won big money with the National Lotto. Well, could I believe it? By 'eck I couldn't. Don't know what I'm gon' do with this big money I've won. The wife wants a 'oliday to Majorca. I told the lass your not be spending it all at once, no she won't. I mean, look at the size o' it. It's as big as me 'ead. I could do a lot with this 50p. I could brutally beat an infant child t'death with it, sail across the River Thames on it, I'll need m'first mates license for that so I will, or I could even invade a neighbouring EU country with it, say Belgium or Luxembourg, one o' them shite countries. The possibilities are endless, dare I say... But for now, I think I'll jus' put it in m'pocket. 

Staind 3

Wai, wai, wai, wait a second. What did you just say?

I said, the skin grafts to repopulate your head with hair failed miserably.

It's called a hair transplant Ben and I didn't even have one anyway. 

What then?

I'm talking about what you just said.

That I wish you were dead?

Nope, after that.

Oh, you mean what I said about your daughter. She's hot is what I said.

Ben, I know she's nineteen but if you even think of touching her... 

Too late.

You better be kidding around!

You remember at the Christmas party last year?

Yeah?

Well I stuck my finger up your daughter's ass.

You did what? 

And when I took it out you know what I saw?

I don't wanna know.

A shit stain.

Oh God, not this again.

I guess being a shit stain runs in the family eh?

Ben stop!

Daddy shit stain and daughter shit stain. But Mommy shit stain didn't hang around did she Tony? Why's that I wonder...?

Because you had illicit affair with her and she left me for you.

And you know why that happened? 

I don't wanna talk about this...

Because you're a bald shit stain Tony. In fact, you're a doggy poo-poo shit stain. You stink like a child's diaper. You look worse than a sea gull's wet shit splattered across a hot sidewalk in July. 

Why are you saying these things to me? I thought you were my friend.

I am. I guess I just enjoy verbally abusing you. Shit stain.

Billie Piper

Look dear! Up there in that building over there. My word, it looks like my Dad's old pipe he used to smoke. He also used to do an obscene amount of cocaine, but that's another story.

But darling, you're Father is dead. He's been dead for years. Decades in fact.

But the pipe didn't die....... Did it?

Whorticulture

Hola, mi amigo! I am Savio Duranté, gardener to the Hollywood stars. They call me The Latin Lawnmower Of Love. I like American Gigolo. That is to say, I am like American Gigolo and I like American Gigolo. You understand no? I like the Richard Geres but with a Hispanic flavour. Hot and spicy in and out of the bedroom. You understand no? I like the older lady myself. The old washed up Hollywood starlet who is starved of affection and attention. They are the ripest fruit no? A little loving with Savio and they are ready and willing to empty their bank accounts to spoil me. Savio likes the finer things in life likes the gold Rolex and diamond ring and the big yacht, mansions in the Hollywood Hills and Miami. And in return, I will give them the time of their lives. Possibly they will pass out and die, leave everything to Savio in the will no? Maybe no, maybe yes sometimes, but no matter, I am never short of lonely old hags, as I am never short of lawns to mow. And believe me, I will tend their old lady gardens. Of that you can be sure...

Wedding Jitters

And now please raise a glass for Mr and Mrs Peter Wallis.

I'm so happy to be your wife. It's been a wonderful day. More than I could ever have dreamt of. I am such a lucky girl marrying you Peter.

If you think today was a dream love, you wait until tonight. I hope you like saveloy darling because I'm gonna be putting my big sausage right in your grub hole so don't eat too much cuz you've got 7 inches of meat to devour you little blighter.

THE DOCTOR'S SURGERY METHOD 1

Hello, hello, nice day yes? Clouds and rain, yes? How children, you have some no?

Ah, no Doctor... My boyfriend and I were trying for our first baby when I had a miscarriage. It was last year remember?

Oh yeah, Doctor Yang remembers now, me sorry for loss of fetus baby.... You make new bastard child again soon yes? So Mrs. Willybottom, you tell me what you problem yes?

Ah, it's Miss Winterbottom.

Oh yeah, me sorry, get Western whore names all mixed up. You tell me problem 'kay? 

Yes, well Mr. Yang, it's a very personal problem...

Oh yeah, me know what you mean, you pull down trouser I fix lady parts.

No, it's not like that. What I mean to say is-

Oh I get it, you worry about titty? Take off bra and Doctor Yang have feel.

No Doctor, it's nothing like that. 

Oh shame.

It's just that I have been experiencing some very bad bouts of depression since my miscarriage and, well, frankly-

Ooooh! No problem Mrs. Willybottom, me have just the trick, try this....

What is this pill?

It good for you... It Psy-chological. Try one now, get happy!

Okay..... Oh my word! They make PSY in a pill now? Who even knew?

Sand Gods Part III

King Kolo! We have returned from our long and posthumous journey!

Do NOT shout at me you motley fool! I, King Kolo have ruled Verneetua for centuries and I will rule for centuries more before I hear your tongue make shout of my good name. Do you understand Captain Timothia?

Oh course Sire, please forgive my enthusiasms but we have just returned from a magical, but dangerous voyage to the land of Tambourine.

Oh really? Do tell? I wish to know of this land you speak... What was it like?

It  was mainly very drummy and shake... ish.

Hmm... Sounds most bizarre and ungodly.

Well kinda I suppose. There was a lot of Linda McCartney there. As you may remember she played a lot of that instrument back in the day. Young Gilly, our cabin boy was most impressed. 

Well I am not! 

Oh Sire, you are so cute when you are angry.

Really... Well I have something cute for you Captain.... EXECUTE THEM!!! 

This is the Fifth time this year we've been executed.

And there are plenty more executions where those came from, I can tell you!

Humane.

Hey Geoff, how's things? How is the wife?

Deborah ain't so good. I got her pregnant a few months back. She was throwing up in the morning, getting all bloated and having emotional tantrums... so I fired two shots into the back of her head last Saturday, because, y'know, I can't allow an animal to suffer.

Docu-men-tay.

Hey! The BBC are coming over later this afternoon to film a documentary about our shitty tribal customs. So throw a fucking goat on the fire and get your dick out for the cameras...