Haiti Hospital.

The test shows you have a high blood pressure.

Oh no. Is it treatable?

Oh, absolutely. You'll be required to drop into the clinic for six-to-eight sessions of infant rape. You'll be working with 'Pamela', who is one of our leading Witch Doctors. She'll guide you through the whole process, and you'll need to visit me again at the completion of that course. We believe every ailment can be treated with some atrocious sodomy...

Jesus Saves

Oh dear little demon type creature, don't you realise that you can never be. You see, my Father wrote a book called The Bible and you my dear friend are not in it. You are a fictional creation from a man named Darwin. Nothing more. You see, when the Earth began, it was Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. Not all this Pangea rubbish with your lizards wandering about eating each other. No, no, it was as my Father wrote it in his book. So now do you understand why I must crush thee? I am presuming your little growl is a "yes". Good, good, now stand back dino breath because it's Jesus Time!!! That's a registered trademark by the way so no copying my shit because I know what you raptor folk are like.

River Deep, Mountain High

Please Dad, slow down. I'm tired.

Oh Peter, you are always the same. Do you know what you sound like? Let me show you..."Please daddy, my legs hurt." "Daddy, I need to sit down, I'm tired". See how pathetic you sound? Don't you understand this is real life. Not all that sitting about in front of the television or playing video games, getting fat and lazy like your mother would have you do.

I never called you Daddy. I'm too big for that now.

Please Peter, let's no be pedantic shall we.

But my legs DO hurt.

Stop moaning will you. We are almost there.

But we have been hiking up this rock for Two hours.

Don't you think I know that? I have a watch. In fact I had a watch long before you were even an idea in your mother's head. But let's not talk about your mother. This is our weekend.

You hate Mum don't you? That's why you got divorced isn't it?

What? Oh no. That's just not true Peter. I don't hate your mother. I just think she's a fucking cunt. That's all. Now save your energy my boy because we still have Six more miles of this shit.

Kerja Relon's Three Of The Best

Hey avid viewers of The Doctor's Surgery. Usually I would be providing you with some smutty or down right strange posts but today I want to talk to you about MUSIC.

As anyone who knows me can tell you, music is very important to me. I spend a lot of money on it. To be honest, without my record collection stored on my ipod, I would be a very bitter man.

I have a very varied taste in music but one of my favorite genres is rock/metal. Now I've noticed there are some great rock tracks out there that are very underrated and I want to share Three of them with you today. I think you will find these are very decent tracks indeed. Or maybe you won't.

Tarantula
By
The Smashing Pumpkins




Lessons Learned From Rocky I To Rocky III
By
Cornershop

Spoonman
By
Soundgarden

Weird Science

Alright you guys, my name is Mr. Morris and I've been asked to come to your school today to teach you all about the wonderful world of science and the science of the mind, that I like to call; "conscience". 'Citing stuff eh? Anyhoo, your headmistress; Mrs. Layla has told me you all have gots the autism thing so you might not understand all the exciting science shit I've got to tell you about. 'Kay, first thing, don't use the word "shit" because that is a bad word, and second; don't touch my shit here because it's my ORCA XI quantum time device. I spent a lot of time building it, not to mention a lot of money and I don't want you 'tards ruining it. To be honest anything I told you, you really wouldn't understand or even care about so fuck science, let's do anatomy 101 instead and we can all compare our penises and see who's is bigger. Sound good?

And If You Wanna Rock, Let's Turn This Mother Out!

Jesiah, I want you to listen to me very closely. Okay?

Sure, sure Abraham. What is it?

I told you that when we arrived in the New World, when we arrived in America I would take a wife yes?

Yes.

It is time my friend. Find me a Jewish Princess to whom I shall be wed.

But Abraham, how am to find this Princess of yours?

She will come to me.

But how will she know to find you?

All Jewish Princesses are attracted to money and power. And I have both... And you know it.

Big, Fat, FAQ-a-thon!

Hello lurkers.

It's that time of the year where I find myself working super-hard. Thank you for the 'where the fuck are you?' and 'why don't you post some shit?' emails. Truth is, I've another week of blisteringly hard work to do, and then I'm on vacation. I will post whenever I am able during that time. As I've already told Isildur119 - we've provided you with over 1,000 entries already. Just go back, revisit and be patient. Kerja Relon will doubtlessly post during my absence, and (frankly) I find his stuff a lot funnier than my own.

To save me having to reply to further emails (replying to emails uses up 'valuable' entry creation time), I shall now shoot a few FAQs right now;

- Vin Is Diesel is coming, albeit very slowly. It is a fake movie posters site, and not a YouTube skit/spoof of movies site as many of you have suggested. However, I love the sound of that and have explored the possibility of incorporating it into Vin Is Diesel.

- I have no plans to create a 'best of' site or book of the 'Doctor's Surgery's' best entries. Such a thing need not exist in this world. Although, I'll do one if enough of you drum up support.

- Ashanti comics died (it was only ever intended to be a short run of comics), although I've had a ton of ideas for new comics over the past fortnight or so. I may revisit this.

- I made contact with Scott Hedrick during August (or so) last year. The site offended him so I took it offline. I don't think he reallly understood the joke, but there you have it. We have moved on, and I wish him well. I'm aware there was a (small) campaign to fuck with him for not embracing what we did. Dumb idea, folks. Move on.

- I removed the links bar, as I was starting to receive shitty emails about 'advertising', 'branding' and 'opportunities' from some of the linked sites. Fuck that. Not for me.

I hope that helps. I've noticed the view count of this site has gradually gone up since February. Thanks for viewing. Thanks for emailing. Further content is on its way.

In the meantime, enjoy this;

Sexual Harassment (Goblin In The Office)

Nancy?

Yes Richard?

We've been working together for how long?

I don't know. About Four or Five years. Why?

Because I never done told you this before but when I first met you, I fancied the shit out of you. But as I got to know you in the last couple of years, I have fallen madly in love wit' you. I can't hold back my feelings any longer. I love you Nancy and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

What kind of fucking cunt do you take me for?

A Massive one my dear.

Pussy Galore

Hey Rob.

Hey Tom.

Doing the shopping for the Wife this week?

Yeah, you know how it is.

Actually I don't. I don't have a wife and am not interested in women in general.

Yeah... Um.

I haven't seen you in ages. How are you doing these days?

Not too bad. Business is good. And me and Kirsty are trying for another baby. How about you?

Oh I'm dying. In fact, I shouldn't even be here. I can't work with this disease. There. I said it out loud.

That's awful Tom. What is it? Cancer?

No. Nothing like that.

Is it a degenerative disease? Like Parkinson's or Huntington's?

No, not that kind.

It's not A.I.D.S is it?

Close. I have F.I.V.

F.I.V?

Cat A.I.D.S.

How the hell did you get that?

How do you think?

Bored Meeting

So what you're saying is the projections looks good for years 2011/12?

Well Mr. Gracie, all signs point to yes.

Bill, you've made me a very happy man. A job well done.

Thank you Mr. Gracie.

You know, I've run this company since my father was mauled to death in Nigeria almost Twenty years ago. And you know something, the Nigerian police never did find that lion. And of course, I had no choice but to take over this company.

But you always have a choice!

Shut up Frank. I didn't have a choice. It was my great-great-grandfather Kenwood Gracie who started this company, making hosiery in 1876 and by God, I wasn't going to see my family's legacy flushed down the toilet.

That's a lovely story Sir.

Is it Catherine? Is it really? Because I feel like I've wasted my life.

But Sir, you just said-

I know what I said woman! But I'm saying this now. I wanted to be a professional skateboarder. I could have been the next Christian Hosoi. But the company always came first. So I had to leave my days of half pipes and van shoes behind me and become a businessman like my Daddy.

And a fine businessman you have become Mr. Gracie. This company has never been so profitable.

But you know what? I don't care! Just sitting here with this hag over there and the rest of you balding ass clowns has made me realise.

How dare you call me a hag!

But you are a hag.

That's besides the point, what did you realise Sir?

Well Bill, I realised I'd been awakened. Like my soul had been forsaken. And all these rules I've got to break them. Break them down! Look at my face. My smile is out of place damn you all to hell!!!

You're turning very red Sir. Maybe you need a time-out.

I don't need no time-out, I need to fucking rock n' roll!!!!

Ah, yes Sir. That's great, but can we please continue going over the figures first?

Yeah, sure. I guess so.

90's Dating

Hey Jackie, how's that ad coming along?

Oh Beth, it's so hard to describe yourself on paper.

Well you know how these dating ads are. You just tell them a bit about yourself and what you're looking for in a partner.

Yeah? Go on.

Well you tell them that your name is Jackie and-

You know I don't like being called that. Only Mom calls me Jackie.

Okay, okay, so your name is Jack and you like baseball and motor sports and you have a good sense of humour...

And then what?

And you're looking for a woman... I don't know, whatever you're looking for in a woman. Just write that down.

Hey! Yeah! I understand exactly what you mean now. Come look!

Right, let's see... "Ball-licker wanted. To lick on balls and suck on pisser. "

What do you think Beth?

Hmm... It's catchy and to the point. I like it.