Jason Statham : OCKEY!

The story of one cockney's dream of becoming an Ice Hockey superstar.

Coming Soon!

He Loves A Fat Girl.

Wrestlers Need A Chair. Fans Deliver.

Museum Of Unnecessarily Large Antiquities.

Welcome to the Museum Of Unnecessarily Large Antiquities. May I offer you a ride on my ass?

Police Bike.

Echo-Three-Six reporting in - I have the criminal in my immediate vision and I'm in hot pursuit! Oh shit, where are the pedals on this thing?

The Un-Understanding Man

Calvin, I need to talk to you.

Sure thing sweetheart. What is it?

I got a phone call this morning.

Oh how nice. I get them too from time to time.

The call was from your boss.

Yeah? And...?

And he informed me you haven't shown up at the office for the past month.

I know, I didn't wanna go to work anymore.

What do you mean; "Didn't want to go to work anymore"?

Well, it's not like you have to go all the time is it? I thought it'd be cool to, you know, like, stay at home and pet the dog or watch a football game on TV. That kinda stuff. What's this all about anyway? Is my boss upset with me or something?

Oh that's to say the least. In fact, he's so upset he called to let you know you're fired.

Shiiiiiiit. No way. Really?

Really.

But why'd he fire me like that? I was his best employee.

You obviously weren't Calvin or he wouldn't have fired you. That's what happens when you don't bother to show up for work. You get fired.

Yeah, so? No need to fire my ass.

God Calvin, how many times do I have to explain this to you? This is what, the fourth job you've had this year and it's only February. Christ Almighty! It's like trying to communicate with a gorilla!!!

Damn. Guess I fucked up didn't I?

Ya think?

Mary Poppins

Oh wonderful Pigeons. You are a joy to watch. Here, have more stale bread my friends.

Hey lady, we don't want your pity. Do me and the guys look desperate to you? No. Know why we don't. Cuz we ain't.

It's a miracle! A pigeon is speaking to me. Hello little pigeon.

My name ain't little pigeon old lady, it's Kevin Birdsmith. And these are some of my pals. Hey guys, say "Hi" to the old crone.

I'm not an old crone! And you are a very rude little pigeon.

Oh yeah lady? Well fuck you.

What?

You heard me old hag. Get lost. Scram!

I'm not taking this from a bird. I'll be leaving now and taking my stale bread with me!

Good, your hands smell like shit anyways.

Captain Daniel.

Land ahoy! I've spotted land, roughly 30 kilometres west. Boys, make the necessary preparations in which to invade!

Daniel...

Captain Daniel.

Captain Daniel, that's France. You can't have France.

Nonsense. I shall take this land for our monarchy by any means. No nation has ever withstood the might of her majesty's Navy.

Yeah, but. That's France. They're a sovereign nation. You really can't have France. Plus, y'know, we're not really in 'her majesty's Navy...'. We're in my motorboat. And we're supposed to be fishing.

Why 'ye mutinous pup! By the power vested in me, I shall have to overcome you and toss you into the holding cell. Upon our return to the British Isles, you will be met with a court mandate to stand trial at the mercy of our beloved ruler!

Dan ... Captain Daniel ... your fishing rod is twitching. I think you've caught something.

Oh, very good! Tonight we shall dine on their fish. Tomorrow, we shall dine on their blood...

Intel Inside.

Hey computer, I wanna store some music files on you.

Wouldn't you rather have a big sandwich, instead? ... There we are ... Enjoy!

Oh, thanks. This is great! So how about we upload some music files onto you?

How about you stop trying to upload your shitty Rod Stewart songs onto me, and have another big sandwich?

Dr. Smith Is Not A Bank.

It appears you haven't made a payment on the new liver we put into you ... for, like, five months. I'm sorry man, I'm going to have to take it back.

Pregnant Guy.

Whoa-Whoa-Whoa! I'm about to drop this thing! Quick, there's no time for any namby-pamby drugs - just grab the tow rope and we'll all be toasting to this little bastard in the pub in no time.

BBC Science Fiction Season Advertisement.

The Museum Of Unnecessarily Large Antiquities.

This device is an Unnecessarily Large Insult Generator. It dates back to the late 1600's. William III used it to heckle the invading Dutch. Say, why don't you try it out? It's in pretty good working order.

This machine sucks!

*zzzzzt ... Yeah, well! Those stupid white uniforms make you look like a couple of faggots. I'm surprised you were able to ask me a question at all, what with all the baby cock you have jammed in your throat ... zzzzzt*

Ooh! You just got completely owned. And like, even that guy behind me heard it.

Beachcomber, by J. Sparks.

(also available in HD)

Raisin The Dead

Alright you muppets, what you got for me?


Ah, Mr. Statham, we are movie executives not-

I don't care what you are. You're nothing but a bunch of Hollywood slags to me. Now I ain't got all day here. You gonna spit it out or what?

Well, there's a lot of great scripts here for your consideration.

I'm listening.

Ah... Let me see... Ah yes. There's Crank 3: Ultimate Voltage.

What? Another bloody Crank? You've gotta be kidding me. You must be a bloody crank.

Of course Mr. Statham.

Hey, we got The Transporter 4 script here! Hot off the press. How about that one?

Listen here Missy, I don't wanna do no more cockney banger-ups. I wanna do more of your Citizen Kanes.

But I just think you should consider doing another Transporter becaus-

Shut it you slag, you muppet.

But Stath, we're just trying to give you some options here. And please don't be rude to Miss Carla like that. She is sensitive.

Fuck off will ya. I ain't got no time for sensitive slags. And another thing, don't you ever call me Stath. No one expect my mother calls me that and if she did she'd get her head bashed in.

Ah look, you made her cry.

I'll make you cry in a minute Sonny Jim. SCRIPTS! Gimme a bleeding script here that's worth a shit.

How about a zombie flick?

Nah, not my style. Too cliche.

What about a pirate movie? You know like Johnny Depp? Argh!

Don't patronize me you cunt!

Oh, oh, what about a gay interest picture?

Bollocks to that! You want a kick in the brain? I ain't no arse fiddler like that Shane Penn.

Sean.

Fuck off. You saying I'm stupid?

No, no of course not.

I'm watching you faggot-face. I'll go cockney kung-fu bastard on your arse if you say one more thing outta order.

Paul W.S Anderson called a few days ago and wondered if you'd be interested in doing a Death Race 2?

I should clip his ear for that. I don't do sequels.

But-

Leave it!

Mr. Statham...

Shut it. You nutters must think coz I'm English that I must be stupid like that wossname rat who everyone hated from Star Wars.

His name was Jar-

The rat's name was your mother.

We need to agree.

Alright then. I agree that you're all a bunch of pussies.

This is getting us nowhere.

Do I look like your grandfather?

No...

Well I may not be your grandfather but I'll still bend you over my knee and spank you like the old codger.

My word!

Listen here you Hollywood bastards, I've decided what I wanna do. I'm going to take all these scripts and mix 'em all into one movie. And that's FINAL.

---

COMING THIS SUMMER...

JASON STATHAM

IN

ATTACK OF THE TRANSPORTED CRANKED UP GAY ZOMBIE PIRATES.

Velvet Mafia

Mom, I told you the dress was too small when we bought it.

And I told you that if you stayed off the muffins and cookies you'd be fine. Now shut up, because your father and I paid too much for this fucking dress for your fat ass not to fit into it! You understand Susan?!

I want a cookie.

Mr. Jack

No, no, no, you fucking papps!!! I've told you a million times I'm not Eric Bogosian!!! I'm just not okay??? OKAY??? Jesus, I get this everytime I leave the fucking house y'all. The first few times were flattering but now it's not even funny. You're making my life a living hell!!! Look, I didn't star in no Talk Radio movie and I have never met Oliver Stone. I don't even like Oliver Stone movies, they're boring and shit as fuck. And to cap it all off, you press people keep mistaking me for an actor who isn't really that famous in the first place! It's ridiculous, it really is! Look what you photogs have done to me, I've resorted to leaving the house without a top and wearing only a pair of boxers and smelly old flip flops. This has got to stop. Seriously.

Songs Of Praise

God, I want you to listen. Listen to every word I say. Every word I say. LISTEN!!! I know that life is suppose to be a gift but you can take it back. I don't like it. My lady, she always nags me. I have to pay way too much for heating and electric bills. Oh, and the taxes, don't even get me started on taxes. Plus I despise my job and quite frankly I wish my boss was dead. I just don't want to live anymore God. I've had enough. I just want to die and go to heaven with your good self. Oh, and I hate cleaning the car.

Sebastian's Spike.

Goodness, Sebastian! You look amazing! What's with the new togs?

Insurance paid out, my man! I've already bought these fine-ass clothes and visited the Opium den. Sebastian's on the way now to see about getting his Big Mac on.

I see you still haven't had that massive spike taken out of your chest. Will any of the money you've received go into resolving the thing that actually caused the insurance pay-out in the first place?

No way, man! It's my good-luck charm. Plus, you never know when a three-feet long, horribly infected lead spike will come in handy.

Butt-Rape Island.

Say, that place looks like a good spot to harbour. Whoa, shit! Look at those weird kids with the hats. Oh, those little fuckers are seriously creepy! Jesus Christ, that was a close call. I was like, this far away from dropping anchor. We'd best continue to sail along, and keep an eye out for a better-looking place than creepy, old, butt-rape island over there.

Museum Of Unnecessarily Large Antiquities.

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Museum Of Unnecessarily Large Antiquities ... *ahem* ... Before we get started with the tour, you'll need to know that there is a height restriction in place. You need to be at least this tall to carry on ... *ahem* ... I said, you'll need to be at least this tall to carry on. You know, a height restriction like the kind you'd get on a rollercoaster ... and the things here are really large. What? None of you are going to laugh at that joke? It's good material. The last group I used that line on practically fucking died with laughter. Fuck it, you ungrateful butt-holes can guide yourselves around this shitty museum.

Plague Of The Wintons!

Pube Baskets. Pube Caskets Also Available (Please Enquire).

Storage baskets? I craft these baskets with the folds of my old, muscly labia. They're then stitched together with my pubic hair. Let me tell you, you won't find another pussy-produced pube basket made to such high standards, anywhere else.

My Super Sweet Sixteen.

Hey-Hey-Heeeeeey! Somebody here order a Beefeater?

Oh snap, Nigel's mother got him a Beefeater for his birthday party! This party's gonna be off the hizz-ook for shiz-erious!

The Un-Understanding Man

Hun listen...

NO CALVIN!!! You listen and you listen good!!! You've betrayed me. Do you understand that???

But what'd I do?

I just told you!!! You. Have. Betrayed. Me. It's that simple. Not to mention you have broken your vows. The very vows you made in the sight of God!!!

I love Jesus babe. I ain't got no problem with the big man upstairs.

I'm not talking about you having any problem with God. I'm talking about the fact you have broken your marriage vows which you made in a church in front of the eyes of God.

Listen woman, I just done told ya. Me and God ain't got no shit going down. We cool.

Calvin you fucking brick, listen to the words I am saying. You broke your marriage vows, you cheated on me!!!

I didn't cheat none baby. All I did was fuck that bitch from the strip joint.

I KNOW!!! And that is cheating!!! Sleeping with another woman counts as breaking your marriage vows!!!

It does. Shiiiiit. Really??? My bad.

I'm throwing you out Calvin. Just go!!!

But why???

Mark Antony & Cleopatra.

Oh, wow! Holy shit - You're looking pretty gay today, Mark Antony! It probably doesn't help that you've got that one guy wearing nothing but his underpants fixing onto you those stupid silver ankle bracelets.

Ha! Little do you realise that this man who art fixing thy stupid silver ankle bracelets is doing so as to protect me from this dreaded cholera epidemic! For these silver ankle bracelets have been blessed by God himself, and I've been informed that the bearer of which will not succumb to such a disease. And for your information, I do not look 'gay'. I look really, bloody tough in this bad-ass battle gear. Although, yeah, I have been fucking with the half-naked dude by my feet. You've got me there.

Rising Tide.

Hurry, now! We're required by our Sun God to erect this ark, as a great flood is coming! You there, axe that gentleman's leg off. But, like, wait until he's finished carving that one thing.

An Advertisement, Paid For By Psychedelic Ventures Ltd.

Hey, You! Why not enjoy a Psychedelic Business Trip? Witness the cultural landmarks of western Europe, Asia and northern Africa all at once, in bewildering illuminated colour!



"Holy shit, my mind is searing! I'm going to need to sit down. Maybe get a lemonade, or something."

Justin Hawkins Special

Oooo, you sexy lovebirds out there. It's your old pal Cupid. It's nearly Valentine's Day! Yay! That's my busiest time of the year. Oh, young love, old love, middle age... Love? Yes! It's all so lovely isn't it?

Mr. Franklin? Come back inside please. It's time for your meds again.

Ken-Po Sexy

Okay, I think that's everything I need for a great night in!

Uncle Idi's Storytime

Oh my dear friends, my children of Africa. It is with very warm feelings in my heart that I welcome you back to the people's united state of Uganda. I must tell you things of great importance but first I must bash this traitor's head in with a rock. Today things are good. The white devil has been subdued for time being. But he continues to try and raise his filthy head. The newspaper, they write horrible lies of me. They say I eat cannibals! They say I drive police car as joke and that I bath in champagne bottle. These are LIES!!! LIES!!! I am a simple man. I may wear the trappings of a general and be the president of the people's united state of Uganda but deep down inside I am a man. I was once a simple peasant like you. I was once nothing to the world. Once I was just a poor black man. But now my friends, I am a rich and powerful black man. Haha, I joke of course. (Or do I?)

Birthday Cake.

The Doctor's Surgery at blogspot is one year old!

May all of our 307 subscribers (...I check the statistics) enjoy many more years of thinly-veiled right-wing propaganda.

Harvest.

Come, now! There will be no prancing amid the grounds of the estate. You ought to save that shit for the forthcoming harvest dance. It's like, you'll be prancing around among all the celebrations and motherfuckers will be all like, "whoa! Harvest this year was fuckin' awesome!".

Gerald's Funeral.

We are gathered here this afternoon to observe the passing of Gerald McManus. He was a fun-loving gentleman who dearly loved his friends and family. In fact. I'd wager he's up there right now, looking down at those loved ones who have attended his farewell today. And he's beaming with pride.

...nah! I'm just fuckin' with you all! He ain't 'up there'. There's nothing 'up there'. Although, if you do dig on any of that superstitious bullshit, then I think we could agree that Gerald would actually be 'down there' searing it up with the rest of the old pricks. In short, good-bye Gerald. You big, old racist.

Huevos

I'm telling you, that's no carpet! That's a couple fried eggs!!!

FRIED EGGS!!!

Assisted Suicide

Hello, lastminute.com customer service. How may I help you? Excuse me Sir, what was that? Do I like chocolate? Ah.... Yeah, I guess so. Good lord, no, no, not up my ass I don't. No Sir... I don't want to have a ball with you. Sir, I have to inform you this conversation is being recorded. Ah, no need for that kind of language Sir. Please calm down or I will be forced to terminate this call. Look, I'm sorry, don't cry, I didn't mean to upset you Sir. Could you tell me why you have called customer services today? Is it about a technical issue you're having with the lastminute.com website? No? It's about your erection??? You mean buildings right? Please God, you mean about some buildings you've built... You don't. Ulgh. I'm going to hang up now Sir. Bye!

*Beep, beep*

Hello, lastminute.com customer service. How may I help you? You are having trouble accessing the website... Using your penis. It's you again isn't it Sir? I'm going to hang up now...

Dial 118-118

Yes, I was once like you. One of the little people. A mere mortal. Ordinary. But in a freak accident involving a mobile phone I became... VODAFONE-MAN!!! Able to call anywhere in the world and at any time. And best of all, never lose my signal! Prepare villains for a new brand of phone is coming to kick your ass AND give you 500 free texts per months, plus 100 free minutes!!!

Miles Mayhem.

Oh shit, I'm sorry I'm late for this funeral! Please accept this condolence fist as a mark of respect for our dearly departed great-aunt Anne.

Chandler Bing.

Oh ... oh, dear God, No! Janice? Janice, are you there?

What's the matter?

I think I'm going to have to go home. I don't think I can cope with what I've just discovered on this shitty website. It looks like my dear, dear friend Chandler is dead! Oh my God, he was so, so young and so, so talented! He really was the best friend.

So, So Solid.

Holy crap! Is everybody ok? Peabody, is anybody injured?

Everybody's fine, Chief! We're all a little shaken up, one lady fell down and that one guy with the scarf has cut his hand. But, yeah, nothing serious. Looks like they've obliterated the town's only bowling alley, though. Chief ... what are going to do without our bowling alley? I don't think I can...

Snap out of it, Peabody! This was clearly just a warning. It would seem our enemies, the Wu-Tang Clan, are merely testing us. Trying to get inside our minds to unravel us. We must remain defiant. I shall inform Colonel Jones to send for The So Solid Crew. In times like these, they are our only hope.

Dining Cart.

Pizza rolls! I've got an order here for some pizza rolls. Speak up you guys, who ordered the pizza rolls? What the...!? There are women on this dining cart! This cannot be so! There are designated areas for women, such as the Ironing Cart and the Soap Opera Trolley. Seriously, these motherfuckers better be getting these bitches drunk for some fucked-up, late night, Dining Cart strip poker. Or something.

Lunch Panic.

Coming Soon!

Blessed Is Bested.

Hello, 'Blessed Mind-Reading Hotline', Brian Blessed speaking. How can I help?

I'm thinking of a card.

No, you're not.

Shit...

Glory Hole.

Whoooooa, there! What the fuck is this!? Hey, you in the next stall, what the fuck!? Why have you pushed your boob through the hole in the cubicle wall?

I'm glory-holing you. Just go with the flow.

'Glory-hole'? What the hell is that!?

It's an anonymous sex act. People put their junk through a hole in a public restroom cubicle wall, and y'know, they get it on. It's sexy.

It's really not sexy. I mean, it's really, really not sexy to suddenly have a boob emerge from the cubicle wall - while I'm sat here pushing out a shit. Oh yeah, and did you forget that you're my sister? Sisters don't really do that kind of thing.

See, I was thinking that. But then I thought, 'yeah, if I'm ever going to have sex with my sister, it really should be anonymously through a hole in a public restroom'.

Holy shit, you really thought this through. I actually hate you.

Of course I thought it through. I mean, I was intending to poke a couple of fingers at you through the hole. Y'know, to offer you a little fingerbanging. But, I don't know, it just seemed kind of rude to go straight into offering you something like that. You're a classy girl, plus it's pretty safe to say that I have some fantastic tits happening on me. So I decided in the end to try and get you going with giving you a view of the old assets.

I'm really glad you consider me classy enough to flash one of your udders at me, in an attempt at a weird, incestuous love affair. I'm really not interested, but thanks anyway. Now I'm just about finished doing what I came in here to do, so I guess I'll see you back in the car. I can't wait to get on with the rest of this, the first day of a two-day road trip with you sat next to me.

Aqua Battles!

Uh, I'll remind you guys again. If you're not playing chess, you have to keep your hands above water where I can see them. I don't want anybody's balls, or 'missing chess pieces', suddenly spread out on either gaming board.

Full House.

Full house! I declare that my hand is a winning hand! You know the deal, the winner wins all of the head lice. Hand 'em over.