Starfish.

This is a Starfish. Those things in the centre are it's balls. Why don't you go ahead and give his balls a good little rub...

Tom's First Day.

Hello there. I've just been promoted to this department from the Finance offices. My name is Tom. It's a pleasure to meet you. I can't wait to start working here.

Hi Tom. It's nice to meet you. Say Tom, I'll just go ahead and summon Denise - our receptionist - to come over and direct you to whichever shitty basement it is where you're supposed to be stitching the shoes we sell. Tamil has already filled the one token wog position we're required to fill per department, so we really have no use for you whatsoever. Oh, who am I kidding?! I love the black cock! Frankly, I love you Tom. How about we take this passive friendship one step further? We can blow away these dreary, corporate walls and set sail for oceans of adventure, discovery and passion. Just you and me...

Rude-olph.

You'll have to show me your cock if you want this train set. That's kind of how this Christmas gift-giving shit works.

PRISM

You asked to see me Sir.

Yes, Woodkins isn't it?

Woodrow Sir.

Anyway, you know why I asked to see you.

Ah, actually Sir, I don't.

How long have you worked at this prison?

I don't know. About 18 months or so. Why?

Well Sonny boy, you're about to be out of a job.

But why? Have I not done my job correctly and to the prison's standard?

No, no, no, it's nothing like that. It's because I'm freeing all the inmates you see.

WHAT? But you can't Sir!

I'm sorry, but I must free all prisoners.

But Warden Butler, this prison houses some of the worst murderers and rapists.



Must free all prisoners.

But Warden Butler, there is a school only half a mile from here and there are a lot of unrepentant paedophiles at this prison. It doesn't bare thinking about what they might do to the children if they were to be freed.

I'm sorry but my decision is final. I must free all prisoners.

Even Slash Curtis? Do you know what terrible things he has done to children?

Especially Slash Curtis. They all deserve a second chance, even the kiddie fiddlers and they can get that on the outside by becoming baristas at Costas Coffee or Starbucks even.

No Warden they can't!

Do you know who I am?

Yes, I do. You are Scottish actor Gerard Butler and you have been masquerading as this prison's Warden for the last week and everyone in this prison has been going long with it but I'm afraid I, nor any other employee here can grant this request of yours. And to be honest, I think it's time you stepped down and went back to what you do best; being famous and attending Hollywood premieres.

Oh, you do, do you? Well this isn't just anywhere in the world where you can voice your little gay opinions boy. Oh no, THIS IS SPARTA!!!

No it isn't. It's Sussex, England. But I get your point.

Portapotty.

How am I? I'm ok. I'm in the back of my car taking a dump.

TGIF.

Do you have any plans for this weekend?

Yeah. The wife and I are trying for a baby. I'm pretty much going to rail her slime vacuum all weekend... or at least until one of my boys manages to stick.

Front Doors. Back Doors.

It's true what they say - you really do have to come to Mexico to get the good Quesadillas! What're you eating, Jim?

Turkey pussy.

I'll Rinse You Dry, You Fackin' Mug.

You better give me back my bear.

No way. Get lost.

You better give it back, or I swear I will rinse you!

I told you to get... wait a second, you'll 'rinse' me? Are you Jack the fucking Ripper all of a sudden?

St. Patrick's Day Massacre

Hey you fella! Don't be ruining today for everyone with your fucking attitude okay? If you wanna act that way, why don't you take your old arse some place else. We're all here to have fun and to celebrate Saint Patrick the best way we know how and that's by getting totally and utterly pissed off our heads. If you don't wanna join in then bollocks!

Very good my dear. But you don't realise that it is I, who you will be making coitus with tonight after you get paraleticly drunk and spread your legs, like the good whore that you are. I shall deliver my Irish charm to you and a whole lot of semen too. Hahaha! I'm The Leprechaun and I'm going to fuck you!

Winslet's Pickle

Why the hell am I wasting my life with this grey-bearded old git, when there are legions of randy messageboard studs queueing up to have go on me...?

House Doctor

Well it's good news Mrs. Coltrane. You have cancer.

What???!!!

Nah, just kidding, just some medical humour for you. No, to be quite serious, you have a disease called Lupus.

What exactly is that?

It's complicated and besides, I'm not really sure what it is either but House uses the word a lot in the show.

Excuse me?

Pay it no mind. To be honest, I'm not really sure what is causing you to be ill. Frankly, Lupus was a guess.

What kind of doctor are you?

Oh, that's easy, I'm the kind of doctor that Gregory House from the television show; House is. You know, moody with an attitude and drug problem.

I don't watch House.

Oh, well you see, I base my bedside manner and medical practicing on his teachings. I'd be a better doctor of course, if I had a crack team of doctors to consult with like he does. But I don't.

So what do you do in that case?

I consult my dog.

What?

No, no, before you make any judgements, he's very good. Two licks for yes, one lick for no.

And what about "I'm not sure or I don't know"?

Heh, it's never come up. Would you like to meet my Labradoodle; Billy?

Not right now. I'm very sick.

You could be dying?

Oh my God! Could I?

I don't know. Possibly.

Do you think I can be referred please? To a real doctor.

Oh, I'm a real doctor. I downloaded this certificate off the Internet just this morning.

Ostrich Farm.

Away we go! Together this realm we roam, Mr. Ostrich!

Hey. I hate being called 'Mr. Ostrich', can't you think of a better name for me?

Sure. How about 'Mr. Austridge'?

Death Inspector

Yep, she's dead alright. Of course, I'm not a doctor. But from what I have gathered from the scissors on the ground and the blood on this here tablecloth, I would say she's been murdered. And if that is the case, then she is most definitely dead. Of course she could have commited suicide, which is very rock n' roll but would still mean she's dead. Christ, can we get some air freshener up in this house, this bitch's feet stink and frankly it's quite offensive.

Sales Meeting.

Second quarter sales are looking pretty solid. We're drawing an average of fourteen thousand visitors to our store every day. One in seven of those customers is spending between 5-6k on a bulk unit order. All I can say is, well done, you guys! Keep up the good work! Any questions?

Yeah, is it true that you Asian chicks have sideways vaginas?

Go On Then, Glover.

Available in 720p. Click here to view in YouTube.

Blind Date.

This is some fantastic pasta! I have to confess, I've really enjoyed this blind date. I was a little nervous at first, but you've really made me feel at ease. I really think we have a connection going. Say sugar tits, I don't got any cash or cards on me - so this shit is on you. Maybe later I could come over, torrent a few episodes of Lost on your computer, rifle through some of your private drawers and mementos. I could even call a few of my friends over to your house, y'know, put some music on, get some beers, break shit.

GTFO.

Is that document this year's prospectus? What does it say?

It says; show me your tits and stop reading over my fucking shoulder.

Shaq Attack.

Hello, I'm David. I've just been made an Executive of this firm. I guess I'm your new boss!

Shaq! Shouldn't you be training or something?

I'm not Shaq... and you're fired.

aMUSEment

You know Wendy, I've had a really great evening.

Me too James.

I just love the fact we have so much in common.

I know. We could be twins.

Twins yes, but how about lovers?

What?

I said, you are very beautiful.

Thanks, you're not so bad yourself.

So.... How about coming back to my place for a drink?

I don't think so. Not tonight. I have work tomorrow and I really do need to get an early night.

Just one quick drink? Come on.

Listen James, I really have to go.

Stay another hour or Two.

No James, I think I should go.

No!

What?

You can't!

Excuse me? I can't?

Sleep with me.

I'm not going to sleeping with you James.

But I love you.

You hardly know me.

I'm Matt Bellamy.

No you're not. You don't look anything like him.

I'll let you meet the rest of Fightstar if you have a sex with me.

Fightstar? Matt Bellamy is in Muse.

Does it matter? I know, I know, why don't you come out to my car.

No.

But I have cassettes. And a cassette player.

Now you're really creeping me out.

I have Jean Michel Jarre on cassette. His dolcest tones will caress you and convince you to make love to me.

I'm leaving.

Good! I would never have sex with a groupie like you. You probably have STDs up the wahzoo anyway.

Goodbye James.

Au revoir Shosanna!!!

Cool House, Man.

Why are we doing this, Papa?

Well, son. We're replacing our current, boring, front door with this door from an old fridge. So that when you enter our home it'll be like you're walking into a big-ass 'frigerator!

Snakes On A Plane : TV Edit.

I'll just leave this here...

Terrence "Howard The Duck"

Ah God, no. A mother's love! Reason that crazy kat Jon Favreau threw me off Iron Man 2 wasn't because of my handbag that you see right here. I know, makes me look gay, but I gots'ta gots'ta, as they say. It wasn't because of the bag, no, it was because ole Don Cheadle having more personality than myself, which is true but c'mon people, he ain't a real brother. He just a white dude with a sun tan. No bro be having the name Donald unless he be a Trump, ya' hear what I'm saying?

Shit, and to think I could have been in Watchmen with that fine ass bitch Malin Akerman. I gots a big dick, just paint it up blue and call me Dr. Manhattan. Ya heard.

Toos.

Hey man, nice tatts... Ooh wait, I mean nice tits.

Labour Day.

I hope you don't mind, but I went ahead and hired this bunch of Chinese immigrants to help us build our bad-ass gunship.

How the hell are you going to get them to do that?

Ah! Don't you worry about that! I speak Chinese, check it out - Herro there...

The Road To Hell Is Pathed In Good Intentions

I know what you're thinking. I look like a pretty nice guy don't I? Yeah, well I'm not. You probably want to know what's in this bag don't you? Well it's nothing spectacular. Just some Sarin gas which I'm going to release onto the unsuspecting populous. Why I hear you ask. Well it's simply... Because I love it.

Market Proposals.

According to these figures, shares in our company will drop 7% during November. So that'll be, what, 170 people we'll need to lay-off before Christmas? Unless we can devise a strategy to combat this drop before August, that is. We seriously need some new ideas, or we'll be screwed along with those lay-offs. This is a tricky situation, what do you think?

I think you look like Santa.

9/11 : Never Forget.

Hey, it's nearly ten years since 9/11. Weird how time flies by, don't you think? People say they remember where they were when it happened. What were you up to that day?

Oh, I remember it well. I was masterbating into the sink of a Starbucks restroom. The lock of the restroom door snapped, so I was trapped in there for two hours. I spent the entire time frantically masterbating, I don't even know why.

Speak German To Me.

So. What's with the Nazi uniform?

The wife likes me to wear it while I fuck her.

Stood Up.

Staind 2

Wai, wai, wai, wait a second. What did you just say?

Your name is Tony Balding.

Yes, I know that's my name. Not that bit, I'm talking about the other bit.

You're bald?

No, the other, other bit.

You're a bald motherfucker.

Yeah, that's the bit.

You are though. You are bald. I can see the skin on your head. It offends me.

But Ben, I'm your best friend. I have been for Twelve years. Why would you be so unkind and a total jerk like this?

Because I don't like you anymore. You are a balding twat and I want some friends with hair.

But what has my hair got to do with anything?

It has EVERYTHING to do with it. You aren't just a bald motherfucker... You're a shit stain.

Oh Christ, not this fucking shit again. You know something Benny. You are one twisted bitch.

I know. Now get me a beer you bald shit stain. And while you're at it, fuck my mother for me will ya.

Kraftwerk Space

Hello Howard. How are you settling in?

Good, good. I think I'm getting to know my way around the place.

Nothing I can do you for?

No, everything seems fine.

Are you sure I can't get you anything?

Nah, I'm good.

Coffee? Tea? Soda? Blowjob?

No, I'm fine, thanks. Wait a second, did you just sa-

Seriously, I can offer you more.

What do you mean?

Say you'll be my only one.

What?

Yes, I love you. You make me feel alive, you chocolatey stud.

Jacoby, that's enough!

Oooo... You hot boy! I wanna wrap you up in my love. I want you to kiss my humps.
Your what?

My lovely moobies!!!

That's it Jacoby, I fucking quit. I knew I should never have joined a company called G.A.Y Tech.

Good, now we can truly be together. Be a dear and put your ass over this table and I'll pump you with vanilla fudge goodness.

You freak!

I know, wanna see me in rubber?

Fuck no! I'm gone.

You'll be back Howard. And when you do, I'll stick my love all over you.