Mrs. William James Mercer. (a.k.a. Mrs. Elsie Mercer)

"William finds it especially baffling that he cannot grow a beard. He's tried for years, but cannot muster so much as a sprout. He doesn't realise that I secretly spend every night chewing any emerging folicles off his face."

Introducing Dr. Smith.

"Your vagina is full of very tiny ants. Keep your head tilted up while I fuck off and grab the Hoover. We'll have them little fuckers out of there in no time."

Noah's 'R' Cade.

What's my favourite colour of horse?

I think it's called "Horse".

Horse-coloured.

William James Mercer Is An Entrepreneur Sometimes.

You're looking at the proud owner of a Jellyfish farm! It is only early stages at the moment, though. I've got about 30 of the little bastards swimming around in three water butts in my attic. Can't wait to tuck into my first organic, homemade Jellyfish casserole, that's for certain.

Our Blankets Are Made From Poor People.

The Blossoming Career Of Jason Statham.

Jim Bowen : He's Still Got It!

My wife was complaining; "We never go anywhere expensive..."

"Get your coat on, I says, we'll go an' fill the car up"

William James Mercer's Pressures Of Fame.

All of this recent fame and celebrity I've been receiving is truly wonderful. People say some very kind things, and some folk even offer me gifts! However, it can be a little overwhelming at times. I mean, just the other day I had to knock a bitch out for getting all up in my face and wanting an autograph while I was sat in my car, munching my way through my second KFC Bargain Bucket of the day. I tell ya, it was Grand Theft Auto all over the fucking place that day...

Ralph DeBule Is A Quarry Owner.

"So you want a job, eh? I have neither the energy to judge your attitude nor the time to review your achievements, boy. I'm in the mining industry, my lad. If you can prove yourself by holding your own in the harsh drudgery of the quarry, then that's all I need. Now enough of these travails, drop your drawers and let me pass this object I'm holding up your jacksie..."

Brian Blessed Is An Important Scientist.

"Do you know what this device I'm using is? Do you? No you don't! It's pretty bloody scientific, I tell you. You people would be completely fucked without me."

More Crabman.

Des Walker's Dog Walker.

William James Mercer Dislikes Festival Time.

"If any noisy musicians come onto my land I will turn the hosepipe on them..."

Jesus Christ's Plans For The Summer.

"I've been placed on this 'Alcohol Abuse; Physical And Social Rehabilitation Plan' thing, which'll eat up the first four weeks of my summer. As soon as that's over I'll be flying over to Malaga for seven days to get well and truly shitfaced with some of my old mates from the bible school. Belter!"

Dr. Everything Gonna Be Alright

The Doctor will see you now. Damn baby, you looking F.I.N.E fine. But you're not what I'd call a 10. You're close but no cigar. Even if you were a 10 I wouldn't give you a cigar because smoking is a filthy habit. Now let's check out that ass. Ooo yeah, ooo yeah, I wanna bust that booty. You say you've never been under the knife before? You lying? Seriously. You're in great shape. You work out? Yeah, I thought so. But, but, but, but, you know exercise can only do so much. Only a matter of time before that ass starts a-sagging and you find yourself looking at a different person in the mirror. A pale immitation of what you were years ago. Where'd those boobs go? Oh I know, how about Mexico. You know, down South. But all that can be a thing of the past. I can make you look like Paris Hilton, Nicky Clake or Alexa Chung. Any number of celebrities. Aretha swears by me. Oh yeah honey, I can make your dreams come true because Nip/Tuck ain't just some TV show, no, it's real baby. And I am the man that can make the magic happen. I'm like some kind of magician and my scalpel is like my wand. Fucking Hell, you can call the the Harry Potter of plastic surgery. Plus, I've got a big cock and I put it in patients mouths when they're knocked out. Just for shits and giggles. Now when did you want that appointment?

Wesley's Big Performance, by J. Sparks.

You will need the volume up for this.

Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades

Look into mein eyes!!!
Ja, tis true, I knew a girl named Nikki, I guess you could be saying she vaz da sex fiend. I met her in a hotel lobby und vent und masturbated viz a sexy porno magazine. I guess you could say I see tings more clearly now because I SEE YOU!!! My eye, zay are like pies, und yours are lies! Mein eyes see into zee future und all I see ist ghosts und monsters like you have been having viz dis Dragon Vars movie. Ja, zee future is nothing but Gary Busey und Star Trek.

William, It Was Really Nothing.

"I've got the 'Mulitple Personality Disorder'. Its not much of a bother. Except one of the personalities is Josef Fritzl."

Wii Fit Makes You Hot.

Much, much love for Mega64.

Play-By-Play Blockboosters!

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

(Spoiler free!)

"Holy fuck, is that a marmot?!" The CGI on that marmot was terrible, I can only assume this was a last-minute addition and that any occuring CGI in this movie is top-notch, how could it not be? This is a Lucas/Spielberg ... Lucaberg ... effort. Anyway, Indiana Jones and Ray fackin' Winstone are on screen and Cate Blanchett looks like a boy ... a SEXY boy! Oh, they've used bulllets to find an alien tomb ... thing. Surely the bullets they shot at Indy would stick straight to the magnetic tomb? Oh, no time to think about any of that, Indy is breaking out of the hangar on a jet car ... thing. Ooh-er, the CGI on that jet car ... thing was a bit iffy. Nevermind, he's escaped Sexy Boy Blanchett and is stuck in the middle of a weird town. Oh my God, run Indy! You're in a nuclear testing area, quick, hide in a lead-lined fridge. You'll be reet safe in one of those. Oh, the 50's! What an era. Whoa, no time for nostalgia, because that guy looks like the janitor from Scrubs, and that other guy looks like Jim Robinson from Neighbours. Thank goodness this film has been lit to give every character a weird, piercing glow. Everybody looks slightly angelic. Oh, the 50's! What an era. Things were so much better back then.

Holy shit!

Shia La Beefs!

He's a dreamboat. Possibly the next Tom Hanks.

Tom Hanks is such a dreamboat.

Erm. Wait a minute, wasn't that Jim Broadbent? What happened to Ray Winstone? I'm sure they're getting to their story arcs. They wouldn't fill the film with awesome actors in miniscule parts. This is a Lucaberg effort!

Oh, look they're flying a plane to South America. Its old-fashioned, like from the 50's. Oh, the 50's. What an era. Wait, why are they going to South America? Why did he bring his motorcycle? I can't help but think the emphasis on his motorcycle will be a massive, integral plot device. Ooh-er, the CGI in this is pretty poo. Is this really Spielberg, or a Spielbergo effort? No time to dwell, because Indy and La Beefs are being chased by tribespeople. That skull looks like its got clingfilm wrapped up in it. How come every metal object isn't just flying across the room, sticking to that thing? Argh, this piercing 'glow' the Director of Photography has lumped onto everything is really hurting my eyes. Oh, hello. They've been caught. Ray fackin' Winstone you double-crossing, cockney bastard! Ooh, hang on, Karen Allen looks alright! She's still got it! Ooh, that's John Hurt under all that hair ... and annoying 'glow'. Oh, they've escaped again. Shia Le Beefs is such a bloody dreamboat ... WAIT! WHAT? He's their son!? Christ, I couldn't see that coming. Wow, this news has blindsided me just enough to distract me from that thing with the snake in the quicksand. Oh, and now they're having a right old shit-storm through the jungle. That's fucking endangered, that forest. I'm sure there's a political undertone going on there. Oh, La Beefs has got the skull, no, Blanchett, no, John Hurt ... oh, I can't be arsed with all this. Wait, either that awful 'glow' has destroyed my mind, or La Beefs has got himself a makeshift monkey army. He's the real King Of The Swingers. Oh, the 50's! What an era. Ooh-er, look out, walloping great big ants. Frightening! Don't seem to like that magnetised cling film alien head ... thing. This unnecessary punch-up between Indy and the Russian goon is going on a bit. I tell ya, Harrison Ford, he's still got it! Oh, the ants ate that goon. The CGI is really fucking lousy. Ooh, they've gone down a series of waterfalls, like John Hurt said. Now they're in a cave. Whatever happened to Ray Winstone and Jim Broadbent? No time for that, look at the tribespeople. Tribespeople have no time to admire my political correctness. Ah, the temple needed to be emptied of sand. Ooh, whoops! They've fallen through and scuttled down those moving platforms into that watery tunnel. That water must've stunk. Don't these people ever stop for food, water or toilet breaks? No time to dwell on that, Ray fackin' Winstone is on screen. What's he doing there, anyway? He's just a crafty thief, I suppose. Sexy Blanchett's accent is immaculate. You can tell she's won awards. They used that wig she's got on, on Uma Furrman in Pulp Fiction. Not sure what's going on. Everything's gone all gold ... and ... that ... 'glow' ... is ... in ... full ... distraction ... mode. It's so distracting I barely noticed the awful CGI they used on that lurching alien, or on that spinning spaceship ... thing. Was the whole movie about them returning a funny-looking alien to it's home planet? Wasn't that the premise of E.T.? Oh well, nevermind. It's all over now, and Indy's getting married to Karen Allen. They've still got it! Oh my God, the gust of wind alluded to a possible passing of the torch between Indy and his son ... could it be ... ?

The End.

William James Mercer Loves Gift Certificates.

"Been down the sweets aisle putting Anthrax in the Pic 'n' Mix. That old shit don't half make you cough."