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Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

(Spoiler free!)

"Holy fuck, is that a marmot?!" The CGI on that marmot was terrible, I can only assume this was a last-minute addition and that any occuring CGI in this movie is top-notch, how could it not be? This is a Lucas/Spielberg ... Lucaberg ... effort. Anyway, Indiana Jones and Ray fackin' Winstone are on screen and Cate Blanchett looks like a boy ... a SEXY boy! Oh, they've used bulllets to find an alien tomb ... thing. Surely the bullets they shot at Indy would stick straight to the magnetic tomb? Oh, no time to think about any of that, Indy is breaking out of the hangar on a jet car ... thing. Ooh-er, the CGI on that jet car ... thing was a bit iffy. Nevermind, he's escaped Sexy Boy Blanchett and is stuck in the middle of a weird town. Oh my God, run Indy! You're in a nuclear testing area, quick, hide in a lead-lined fridge. You'll be reet safe in one of those. Oh, the 50's! What an era. Whoa, no time for nostalgia, because that guy looks like the janitor from Scrubs, and that other guy looks like Jim Robinson from Neighbours. Thank goodness this film has been lit to give every character a weird, piercing glow. Everybody looks slightly angelic. Oh, the 50's! What an era. Things were so much better back then.

Holy shit!

Shia La Beefs!

He's a dreamboat. Possibly the next Tom Hanks.

Tom Hanks is such a dreamboat.

Erm. Wait a minute, wasn't that Jim Broadbent? What happened to Ray Winstone? I'm sure they're getting to their story arcs. They wouldn't fill the film with awesome actors in miniscule parts. This is a Lucaberg effort!

Oh, look they're flying a plane to South America. Its old-fashioned, like from the 50's. Oh, the 50's. What an era. Wait, why are they going to South America? Why did he bring his motorcycle? I can't help but think the emphasis on his motorcycle will be a massive, integral plot device. Ooh-er, the CGI in this is pretty poo. Is this really Spielberg, or a Spielbergo effort? No time to dwell, because Indy and La Beefs are being chased by tribespeople. That skull looks like its got clingfilm wrapped up in it. How come every metal object isn't just flying across the room, sticking to that thing? Argh, this piercing 'glow' the Director of Photography has lumped onto everything is really hurting my eyes. Oh, hello. They've been caught. Ray fackin' Winstone you double-crossing, cockney bastard! Ooh, hang on, Karen Allen looks alright! She's still got it! Ooh, that's John Hurt under all that hair ... and annoying 'glow'. Oh, they've escaped again. Shia Le Beefs is such a bloody dreamboat ... WAIT! WHAT? He's their son!? Christ, I couldn't see that coming. Wow, this news has blindsided me just enough to distract me from that thing with the snake in the quicksand. Oh, and now they're having a right old shit-storm through the jungle. That's fucking endangered, that forest. I'm sure there's a political undertone going on there. Oh, La Beefs has got the skull, no, Blanchett, no, John Hurt ... oh, I can't be arsed with all this. Wait, either that awful 'glow' has destroyed my mind, or La Beefs has got himself a makeshift monkey army. He's the real King Of The Swingers. Oh, the 50's! What an era. Ooh-er, look out, walloping great big ants. Frightening! Don't seem to like that magnetised cling film alien head ... thing. This unnecessary punch-up between Indy and the Russian goon is going on a bit. I tell ya, Harrison Ford, he's still got it! Oh, the ants ate that goon. The CGI is really fucking lousy. Ooh, they've gone down a series of waterfalls, like John Hurt said. Now they're in a cave. Whatever happened to Ray Winstone and Jim Broadbent? No time for that, look at the tribespeople. Tribespeople have no time to admire my political correctness. Ah, the temple needed to be emptied of sand. Ooh, whoops! They've fallen through and scuttled down those moving platforms into that watery tunnel. That water must've stunk. Don't these people ever stop for food, water or toilet breaks? No time to dwell on that, Ray fackin' Winstone is on screen. What's he doing there, anyway? He's just a crafty thief, I suppose. Sexy Blanchett's accent is immaculate. You can tell she's won awards. They used that wig she's got on, on Uma Furrman in Pulp Fiction. Not sure what's going on. Everything's gone all gold ... and ... that ... 'glow' ... is ... in ... full ... distraction ... mode. It's so distracting I barely noticed the awful CGI they used on that lurching alien, or on that spinning spaceship ... thing. Was the whole movie about them returning a funny-looking alien to it's home planet? Wasn't that the premise of E.T.? Oh well, nevermind. It's all over now, and Indy's getting married to Karen Allen. They've still got it! Oh my God, the gust of wind alluded to a possible passing of the torch between Indy and his son ... could it be ... ?

The End.