All That Glitters...

Oi sexy, I'm talking to you children out there. It's your old pal Uncle Gary. I've finished my sentence, I mean holiday in Vietnam and now I'm back in good old blighty. So you wanna be in my gang huh? My gang is the UK sex offenders list which I am now a proud member of. There's no shame in enjoying a child. I myself have enjoyed many little girls but the government doesn't understand. And how could they. The gov is full of old grandpas with dull erections. Not like me, I'm a stallion. Just ask those little girls back in Vietnam. Or actually, maybe you shouldn't.

I'm planning on re-lauching my career you know. I'm coming out with a new record, when I can get a record company to sign me that is. But I'm sure it won't be too difficult. All I need to do is get my black spikey wig back on me head and I'm set. No problems.

My first port of call in England is to get some shopping in Sainsbury's, my favourite supermarket. It's the choice supermarket of most rock stars turned paedophiles. I was buying sweeties to lure children to my home. I'm not planning to fiddle with any of them. I just wondered if a bunch of little girls, under the age of 16 would like to come by my house and watch 9 1/2 Weeks with me and a bag of Haribo. That's not too much to ask for now is it?

I was just in Sainsbury's the other day and the bloody papps couldn't even leave me alone. Wanted an autograph off old Gary. I even tried to disguise myself with an orange wig and hat but that just got me noticed more because no one likes a bloody ginger. Next time I'll wear the ballroom gown and oven gloves. That should do the trick.