Bitch Slap.

Matthew Perry, 1969 - 2008.

This morning I was saddened to learn of Canadian actor Matthew Perry's untimely death. I was never a fan of 'Friends', but I always recognised him as being the best actor of that particular bunch.

Could he be more dead?

The answer is no.

Matthew Perry, rest in peace.

German Subway Punk.

German goon harasses a young lady on a subway carriage. Gets well and truly OWNED.

This is the funniest thing I've seen since the watermelon video. Enjoy.

Watchman.

Here, I've brought you some tea. You've been sat there for hours, won't you come inside?

I'm sorry, but I'm carrying out some important research. I might be here for days at the rate it's going. I'm going to have to ask you to poodle off, as you're distracting my attentions away from the study. Which reminds me, it's time for the latest progress log. Let's see ... it's 12:31pm, and still none of the children have been crushed by any of the rampaging horses in my yard.

Wise Words From The Saad.

The Docile Shop Assistant.

From the Director of "Win My Gran" and "Mrs. McDonald's Oozing Puppy Chamber 2"

COMING SOON TO REGIONAL CINEMAS!

Paging Dr. Smith (a.k.a. Dr. Smith Doesn't Carry A Pager).

I'm all out of lollipops, kid. The delivery woman only comes once a month and they're usually all gone by the second week. So don't be thinking you'll walk out of here with a lollipop today.

This information probably isn't going to do your Asperger's any good. Freak.

Appliance Of Science.

11:35am ... and still no sign of any zombies.

The guy online swore this switch would raise the dead! I've been standing here switching this fucking knob all day, and nothing's happening. I've never felt so screwed over in all of my life. I'm totally going back online to give him a negative review, and a low score on his customer satisfaction page.

Oh wait, maybe I need to check if it's plugged in?

Piss.

Anybody who ever says that drinking piss is a bad thing have never consumed good piss.

Make Fun Of Everyone.

Busker, by J. Sparks.

There will be blood.

May I Take Some Photos Of Your Wife?

A tense, psychological thriller from the people who brought you; 'Butt Camp', 'Death Microscope!' and 'Butt Camp 2: Another Butt Camp'.

Coming Soon To Regional Cinemas!

Noah Is A Hopeless Traditionalist.

My second daughter from my fifth wife is getting married to some woman in a civil partnership tomorrow. I was invited to go, but I'd rather stick a wasp up my ass.

William James Mercer Reads The New Testament.

"...and the righteous Joseph did turn to Matthew and he did proclaim that no phalluses be drunkenly scribbled on any man's forehead, and nor any man's anal passage be stuffed with eels during the sacred festival of Download."

Something For The Weekend, by J. Sparks.

Reptile Physics.

Tonight ladies, we shall feast on the blood of our disputers!

But first, we must ...

BATTLE STANCE!

Bags Upon Bags Full Of Spanners.

You enjoying that slice of cake, Dipak?

Eat that shit up man, because we're leaving to get you an erotic massage from a Nun in the Monastery library.

Shrimp Boat.

If I had a clone of myself, I'd totally nail it.

Noah Numerals.

My Great-Grandparents made their fortune by copyrighting letters of the alphabet.

They named my Grandfather; '1'. They named him a numeral as they didn't want to have to pay copyright duties to themselves.

Air Jesus.

No, I cannot 'mysteriously' fly. Although, I do have my own hot-air balloon. The balloon has a banner of a shark with a massive cyclone gushing out from it's mouth. It's as hardcore as you'd expect.

Willy James Mercer.

170 grams of gelatin. More than enough to masterbate into.

Dr. Smith Rarely Remembers To Videotape 'House M.D.'

The bacteria in your brain isn't responding to any of our treatments. By this time tomorrow you will be completely blind. By this time in three days you will be brain dead.

But hey, it doesn't matter! You're a Christian! Your God will glide down at the very last second of your life, instantly curing you of your infection, and delivering a stern reminder of his ultimate power to us all. And you know, if all of that bullshit doesn't happen, your family will be bizarrely comforted with the notion that your fierce brain fungus was some kind of sign from God, and that he has to fuck around with people sometimes ... because 'that's how he runs things'.

I'll leave you with this thought; the whole time your family is grieving for your soul, I will be dogging.

GTA4.

Opium Zero, With Lemon.

Wife, I'm going to ask for a job at the Opium factory. I could make myself a tidy penny, as a gentleman of my girth and impotence could haul considerably many more bottles of deliciously refreshing, carbonated Opium than the other men of this town.

Will you at least stick around to watch the crucifixion?

Oh, most definitely! I wouldn't miss watching that bigamist bastard rot, for the world! Plus, this dense, Opium-filled smog which looms in the air has throughly halved the amount of time I can physically concentrate my mind on doing anything. Especially walking to the factory to go ask for a job!

Treehugger, by J. Sparks.

The Blessed Speaking Clock Service.

Hello, you've reached the 'Blessed Speaking Clock Service'.

After the tone, the time will be a quarter past super fucking slanty!

*beep*

William James Mercer Watches Eurosport.

Serena Williams?

I'd show her how hard I can smash my balls in to her centre court, and she can be sure of my excellent service at all times.

William 'Fats Blackhand' Mercer Plays Pool.

I've got a hunch this'll be another perfectly executed drop, Pete.

I tell ya, you get older but you never lose your edge. I'm still the lightning-fast pool player I was in my teenage years.

Of course, we didn't used to play for fun as we're doing right now. We used to play for a prize. The prize would be people's thumbs. You'd bet your own thumb, or both thumbs if you felt you had a good chance of winning. At the end of a good night, you could come away from the tables with a bag of eight or nine thumbs. You'd then run over to the glue factory and trade the thumbs you'd won for cash, or a gram of delicious opium. The glue factory always had a supply of nice, freshly-severed thumbs come Sunday morning.

Barfight!

Noah's Lawyers Are On Call 24-Hours A Day.

I'm sorry I'm a little late for this meeting, you guys. I've been tied up in an emergency meeting with my lawyer all day. You see, my wife walked into our lounge yesterday with two 'Quorn' Bramley Apple Sausages, in a bun with barbeque sauce, and a mug of tea with three Sweetex. Needless to say, I had to divorce the bitch.

Dr Will Smith.

Oh my God, you're a clone!

If I cut off your tongue, will it grow back?

Chainsaw Maid.