Oh Well, I'm Not Well Again.

We've noticed poachers have been taking our livestock in the dead of night. We need you to patrol the ranch to stop further losses.

Sure thing. I'll keep my eye out... well, my Jap's eye.

Deserving Of A Biscuit.

Mr. Thomas, are you ok? You've been frozen in that spot, staring at that photo for ten minutes now. What's the photo of, anyways?

It is a photo of a dog's penis... it is perhaps the most beautiful penis I have ever witnessed.

School Of Etiquette.

We're going to apply what we've learned today into a kind of 'role-playing' exercise. My wife will play the role of the female. Mr Mercer, please step forward and demonstrate how you, a gentleman, would attempt to court this lady?

Well, I'd raise my arm and 'thwack' the back of my hand against her forehead...

No! That is incorrect. Try and remember what you've been taught today.

Ok... Well, I suppose I'd stagger toward this inferior creature with my jacket button undone and my trouser...

Hat, Mr. Mercer!

Hat! I'd tip my hat at her! That's the one. Gee, this course is very difficult.

Who Needs a Movie?

Pvt. Parts.

Hey - nice work on getting a campfire going! Although its a pretty mild night for a fire, why'd you bother making it?

We're each going to dip our dicks and balls into the fire.

What?! You'll burn your nuts off! Why would you even consider doing such a stupid thing?!

Sgt. Joseph says that burning your cock makes it tough and super-strong. Who are we to argue?

Periodic Pains.

Mr Lewis, the operation was a complete success. I have to say, I think you're absolutely beautiful... inside and out!

Old Folks Homo.

You know what? For a grumpy, incontinent, old hag... you're not so bad! You're probably my favourite patient of this entire hospital, Mrs. Kennedy. Oh, and for the record, I would totally muff-you-out if you ever wanted me to.

Inheritance.

Wow - Thanks for spunking my future inheritance on this shitty aeroplane, dad! Its comforting to know that you, a man with absolutely no prior piloting experience, will crash and burn along with this shitheap if you ever manage to get this thing into the air.

Hot Tub.

Thank you for allowing ourselves the time to meet with you, Principal Matthews.

No problem, what can I do for you?

Well. I want your school to fatten up my kid. Like, really fatten this little bitch up. I'd do it myself, but I can't be bothered to invest any time into such a project. Plus, y'know, if you do it for me, I can totally hold you responsible and shift the blame onto your shoulders. I aim to sell this 'heartbreaking' story to a shitty magazine for a few grand, and buy the sweet-ass hot tub I want. This is just about the most iron-clad scheme I've ever thought up - what do you think about it, are you in...?

On The Ocean Waves Part 1

Hey Reg, you know what?

Eh what's that Tim?

I'd say my beard is more attractive than yours old boy.

Really? Do tell.

My beard hugs my face tighter than yours.

Hey friend, you're right! My beard just loiters on my chin here, while you're building an entire society on your face.

Quite so Reg. Quite so.

You know, I really do love being in the Merchant Navy Tim. I think I have the best hairstyle for it.

Reg, I admit defeat, you're hair is worth a trophy.

If you like the hair on my head. You should see my pubic region.

I think I'm going to have to borrow your cigarette for that one Reg.

Convoy

Will be with ya in Two shakes, jus' writin' a threatin' text to friend o'mine. Yep. Bin doin' this job for nye on Forty years, I'll tell ya what. Made a good livin' outta drivin' this here truck. Ma wife, she just don't understand the lure of the job. But me, I like to git on out there on the open road, truckin' along, singin' a song. Git me cock sucked by the local floozies too. I take that as one of the perks of my job. I'm even writing me'self a book. It's a crossword puzzle about life on the road. TRANSPORTIN'. It's even got some murder in there for the ladies if you know what I mean. That's what a guy like me knows how to do. You can either presume I mean murder or transportin', s'all the same to me. Big load of meat in my trailer and my pants. Nah, nah I'm jus' kiddin' around wit' y'all... But I do have a big cock, the floozies will tell you that. Big ol' balls too. Ain't braggin', just tellin' y'all the truth.

Enlisting.

Sir, I'm very interested in joining your infantry. I am committed to offer my life for Queen, country and my fellow Cavalrymen. These are my references.

Let's see... 'Dry Bobbing'? ... 'Stinky finger'? ... 'Goose quill in the poop hole'? This isn't really a list of references, more a list of deviant sexual techniques you appear to be familiar with. What do you think, Sgt. Whatworth?

I think anybody with knowledge of 'Diddling with one foot on the floor and stones in the mouth' is already one third his way to becoming Lieutenant.

Crossword Contest.

I declare this evening's Crossword Contest to be the hit of the summer! So how about both of you leaky minges remove yourselves from your bodices, I'll unbutton my shirt, tilt my wig, we'll each light ourselves a Woodbine and seek us some motherfuckin' mayhem!

No dice. You're nothing but trouble! I won't allow my impressionable daughter to spend any time with you and whatever mayhem you seek.

My dear, I don't seek mayhem. Mayhem has a habit of seeking me...