Noah's Arcade.

"My local is rough as anything. I went to the pub quiz the other night. First question was, "What the fuck are you looking at?"

You Lose!

Oh, What A Feeling!

One More Thing...

Iron Man Premiere : Leicester Square.

Something a bit special.

Having been a reader of the Marvel Comics character since the age of seven (that's twenty years of reading!) I've been somewhat anticipating the first movie feature of 'old shellhead'. I travelled to London's Leicester Square to celebrate the greatest comic book character ever created (no, really he is) and worship all which sail in him.

Enjoy my piccies...


Looming over the cinema, a giant poster shows Iron Man blasting repulsor rays across London town. I wanted to scale the cinema walls to make this poster my own.


Dig that hot poster action! Yowzer!


This is the stage where Edith Bowman ... BowOman(?) would give interviews. I was hoping the statue would handle the interviewing duties.


A bloody great big Iron Man flight simulator. It were free to ride and you'd get a cool free poster after. Again, I wanted to make it my own.


Celebrities. Celebrities love Iron Man. I particularly love Iron Man and Celebrities.


Al Murray loves red carpet blockbuster premieres as he believes it is curing his AIDS.


Darth Maul fucking loves Iron Man, and loves seeing Al Murray slowly curing his AIDS problem.


Jon Faverau is lovely and quite the accomplished sex criminal.


Terrence Howard is smooth. Many ladies were impregnated by him during the premiere.


Gwinniff Paltrow is proper beautiful. Her husband is a vagina.


Tony Stark in the fleshes. Look at him, isn't he beautiful? Wearing his dad's suit and everything. Proper nice fellow and, frankly, amazing.


What they signed.


Signatures. Jon Faverau, Gwinniff, War Machine and ... erm. Simon Pegg.


Downey Jnr/Tony Stark gets his own page. Because he's fucking awesome.

I plan to actually view the film on Thursday. I've been talked out of taking a day off work to watch repeated screenings of it.

Hanging With Mr. Jesus, Part Three.

"I understand the question of 'why am I the way I am?' has been on your minds for some time. Well let me tell ya, you motherfuckers are lucky I convinced my father to give you eyes instead of those fucking tentacles he loves so much."

Giving Grace, by J. Sparks.

(...honestly, you wouldn't think it but this was an absolute bastard to put together. Anything that could go wrong, went wrong. See you in hell, Giving Grace!)

Dave Lawrence : Unremarkable Man.

"After 27 years of marriage I thought it would be fun to spice things up in the bedroom with a little role-playing. I spent a whole Sunday afternoon dreaming up all different types of sexy situations to thrill the wife with. I thought I'd play 'Leonardo'; a sexy, intrepid, Brazilian adventurer. A man poisoned with a powerful aphrodisiac by savage Amazonian natives, following a daring plot to steal a valuable gold artifact. I put together a costume and dressed up the bedroom to look like a mysterious cave...

...unfortunately, the wife wasn't too keen on fulfilling her duties of drinking half a bottle of wood bleach and having her arsehole stuffed with sand and tomato juice. Ungrateful cow."

(100th post!)

God Gave Mega64 To You.

Fernando Lugo: Man Of The Peoples

My peoples, I am most thrilled and sexually excited to be elected as your President of the great and terrible country of Paraguay. We are not to be confused with that bastard whore of a country Uruguay. Yes my friends, you are gay. I have seen your streets and they are littered with the filth of humanity such as men that would dress like a lady should. Boys that will allow a penis to enter their rectal canal and shop keeps selling the lastest fashions from Paris and Roma. We are Paraguay are a peoples of peace, justice and the cold, hard iron fist of authority. I would now be liking to tell you, my peoples of a story...

There was a giant that walked the lands of Paraguay. These were the years from long times ago in the past when there were wolf kings and witches of the barrenlands. There were also ghosts but I do not wish to frighten you. In these days of corruption and disharmony there stood a giant who ate great trees and the heads of our children. But one day a strong a just knight from the north came to battle and defeat the evil and wicked giant to save the peoples of Paraguay just to fall by the wayside in a heap of bones and blood. For you see, the giant's name was "The United States Of America". THIS VAGINA MUST BE STOPPED!!! I thank you and wish for you to have safe automobile journey home.

ANNE THRAX

Leave mah boy alone. How's he 'pose to know the difference between hopscotch and butter scotch?

Morgan Frenum is HOT CHOCOLATE FUDGE

Fucking Moon River my black ass! Peabo Bryson can sing his Goddamn songs like an Uncle Tom if his ass wants but count me out motherfucker. That ain't how I roll. A fine nigga like myself be kickin' it in the ghetto. Peabo can take his fake ass slave name and fuck off back to Africa. You wanna duet. I got a duet for ya player hater. Just kneel down and I'll pop it in yo' mouth sister.

The Amazing Roberto, by J. Sparks.

Hanging With Mr. Jesus, Part Two.

"I suppose you children have often wondered what happens to you when you die? Well, you remember that band 'GWAR'? Yeah? Well my father sends those motherfuckers down to shred the fuck out of your transient spirit. Depending on how quick or agonisingly drawn-out the process is depends on how good or bad you've been in your life. Gigantic lemon-shaped crows devour the rest and shit out rainbows ... nah, I'm just fucking with you. You just rot in the ground after you die."

Epic Keyboard Solo.

Steve Gonna Make You Sweat.

Tom Jones.

The Report, By J. Sparks.

Greatest Moments In Bad-Assery, Part Four.

You're The Greatest Dancer!

I Can't Fucking Smile Without You.

Barry 'The Manilow' Manilow
"Can't Smile Without You"

Fuck Yeah!

Mister Motivator.

Saint Manilow.

"My new lady likes me to dress sexy, so I'm wearing this thong she got me. It's been a bit of a disaster so far. Perhaps such an item isn't ideal for a man with stress-triggered incontinence."

Calling Katie Part 5.

Goosebumps Was A Pretty Good Show I Guess.

(You need to click the image to see it in it's full size, dumbass.)

Harry Benson In The Great Sex Mouth Scandal

Cockadoodle-doo. I see you. Nah, just playing around, I can't really see you... Unless I'm using my telescope to spy on you while you're having sex with your partner. My favorite people to watch having sex is gays. They are so... Well, gay for a better word. Man kisses are stupid and quite vulgar. Talking of sex. Me wife Betty and I had sex the other night. It's been a couple of weeks since we'd last done it. And by weeks I mean years. Anyway, old Betty gets all randy and starts feeling me leg and the such. One thing leads to another and we decide to have a bit of nookie. Problem came when I didn't if you get me drift. See, me daughter Rosie asked us if we could look after her pet dog Mamby. Nice little creature, a Chihuahua I believe they call 'em. Little blighter keeps jumping onto the bed and licking me hand when we're trying to make love. Very off putting I can tell you.

Anyway, Betts always makes me wear a condom during "ow's your father?" because I refused to have the snip. I won't do it. I'm not too old, I could still have a few more sprogs still. So I'm banging away at Betty's vagina and Mamby decides to sit by the bed watching us, the dirty little pervert. I finish off and snub the old rubber off into the bedroom bin, fart and turn over to go to sleep. I don't remember having any dreams that night but if I had, it would have been of pushing my wife down the stairs. I've been having that dream for years. It's one of them reoccuring dreams. I missed having that dream. I like it. I like it alot.

So next morning I get up and see Mamby sitting there with the condom in her mouth. Sex ozzing out of the condom, over her lips and everything. Total farkin' sex mouth she had. She could taste Betty and myself. It was a very arkward situation. Later that day Rosie came to pick Mamby up. I didn't tell her about the sex mouth incident.

...Perhaps, Just A Tiny Bit Of Yellow Ochre!

By Dr. Matthew Clarke.

Robot Rock.

The Prequels Of Jason Statham.

Stinkeye.

"...and Ray Vanetta sprints to a handsome finish to land his fourth successive Olympic gold! That guy sure is handsome. Look at those tight shorts. I'd like to run my hand up those shorts. A fine example of an athlete he is. It would be like running my hand up God's tunic."

The Microsexuals.

Murder Car.

A Girl Can Never Have Too Many ... Abortions.

Fred West's Auntie.

My Auntie has bollocks. However she is most certainly not my Uncle. She is, simply, my Auntie with bollocks.

My Uncle quite likes my Auntie's bollocks, as it happens.

Hanging With Mr. Christ.

"...so there I am hanging by my fingernails on that bastard helicopter blade. It's whirring like fuck and I'm ever so gradually slipping off thinking to myself, Luke is a cunt for getting me into this mess! So then Peter lurks around the corner and says "I ain't fucking done with you yet, Christ!" and he comes over with this sack full of cats, and starts pulling them out and chucking them at me. So there I am rather quickly trying to dodge flying cat guts while clinging on to that bastard helicopter blade. I've got to have been there for 5 minutes by the time my fingernails give way and I'm sent flying off. I land into a fucking ice-cream van of all things ... and, well, you can understand the ice-cream man was going to be a bit miffed, but I didn't realise just how much! The fucker must've been six feet five, six feet seven, and he drags me up by my collar and spits cough syrup in my face. Then he starts laughing and sends me through a nearby pub window. You see, there's a lesson to be had in all of this. Always carry a flick-knife in your shoe or sandal."

Harder Bodies Faster Stronger.

Fuck you, Kanye.

Hide & Seek, By J. Sparks