A Rant From Above.

I witnessed the closing ceremony of the Beijing Olympics this morning from the opulence of my couch.

There were a few musical numbers, a handful of speeches, dances and flourishes of colour - which was all very nice and bland.

Then came the 'passing of the games' from Beijing to London, and thus where this rant is derived.

It began with a computer-animated introductory video; whereby an 'iconic' red double decker bus passed through some colourful London streets and landmarks. Fair enough.

That is, until the video ended and suddenly, back in the park is an actual red double decker circling the running track of the Beijing stadium. Dancers hopping along with the bus, dancing with umbrellas (providing the only truly British moment of the display - having an umbrella at hand on the only day it isn't fucking raining!). The bus stops and the dancers keep dancing. The bus then unfolds at the top (July 7th style) to reveal Leona ... fucking ... Lewis suspended on a pole, singing 'Whole Lotta Love' to a pre-recorded Jimmy Page on guitar. If that wasn't enough, David ... fucking ... Beckham pops up and kicks a football into the crowd. How British. Oh wait, not it's not. It's the most embarassingly cynical, out of touch display of dismal planning ever designed by mankind. Ever.

If they were really trying to keyring Britain through a defining parade, I think it should gone something like this : A colourful (colourful, with a 'u', because we're British) video introduction leads to a Land Rover circling the running track of the stadium, the Land Rover containing a family of four from Northampton. The car passes along, with the 'father' of the family proudly wearing a Chelsea football shirt. His head craned out of the driver's window moaning about the stadium being full of too many foreigners. The kids in the back of the vehicle are being car-sick over themselves, while the mother checks out her fake tan in the rearview mirror. The Land Rover reaches it's destination of a McDonald's drive-through (a.k.a. 'drive-thru', they charge by the letter) restaurant, where the family is joined by a group of binge-drinking teenagers who shuffle around, shouting a bit before collapsing behind the Land Rover. The father then pokes himself out from the sunroof and sings a heart-felt song about how he's upset that he's currently missing Top Gear on Dave.

That's the Britain I know in a nutshell.

I'm glad the British athletes were generally successful in Beijing. It's certainly gratifying to see the athletes who my taxes and lottery money paid to train win a few poxy gold medallions. I wouldn't rather have had my taxes or lottery money go toward improving Britain's hospitals or education system, at all!

Ooh. I've gone on for far too long. I think Top Gear is on. Must dash.