I Like My Porridge With SALT!!!

This is some funny shit.
It's some idiot's views on the LHC machine.
Un-Christian Magic indeed.
Enjoy.

Tetty Mulk.

It's 12:17pm ... they said they'd be here for 11:30! This fucking sucks. I knew I shouldn't have ordered this platter of tea and sponge cakes ... oh, hold on, I think that's them now parking. Fuck 'em, I'm squirting some tit milk onto these fucking cakes.

Track And Field.

For your outstanding success on the track, I gladly award you this first place trophy! You shall also receive a congratulatory certificate, a $250 cheque ... and a potato sack full of the freshly severed feet of the competitors who finished below third place.

Boss, by J. Sparks.

Dr. Smith Knows A Remedy For Being Tongue Tied.

Oh my, your larynx is pretty inflamed. I think you have Phaaareeengtiis ... I mean, Phaaaarengtiis ... I mean, Phaaaaryngitus ... uh, sod it. Cold. You have a cold.

Guitar Praise.

Ever thought to yourself, "Man, I'm sinning like fuck rocking out with all of this Satanic Guitar Hero'ing"?

Fear not as there's now a means to enjoy yourself, while at the same time mindlessly fearing the wrath of the almighty with 'Guitar Praise'. Be the envy of your friends, rocking out to Christian rock's finest ... uh ... um ... er, 'artists'.

Coldplay not included. Seriously, what the fuck is going on with this world?

Tidbit #2.

This tidbit is a focus on the absolutely incredible world of Polish movie posters.

It is safe to say that Polish movie posters are among the finest in the world. Up until the last ten years (or so) Polish designers were given free reign to create radically different and diverse promotional artwork for the latest cinema releases. Nowadays things are different, in that Polish poster artwork is a carbon copy of it's western counterpart ... only with translated titles. Nevertheless, the posters of yesteryear are abundant in amount and very much well worth seeking out.

Example; My favourite movie poster of all time, by Leszek Zebrowski.



Further reading here. And more about Leszek Zebrowski here.

Shrimp Boat Fantasies.

If I ever ended up catching a Leprechaun with this big net, I'd totally force it to blow me in front of a bunch of policemen.

Jew Heaven.

By sacrificing me, my Father made it clear he was willing to destroy the one thing he loved most. With that I was killed, and because of a ridiculous clause, I subsequently ended up in 'Jew Heaven' for 700 years. Let me tell you something, you don't want to end up in Jew Heaven. I'd be like, "Josep, what's for dinner tonight?", and he'd be like, "Sardines and flat bread, brother Christ. Same as every day". Then I'd be all like, "But we have that shit every day, can't we rustle up some fuckin' pizzas or something?", and he'd be all like, "No, this is what we eat in Jew Heaven". Jew Heaven sucks, kids. Well, it does unless you remember to pack a lunch or something.

Delia's Smith.

The kids won't eat their yucky pig livers unless I boil them up in this enormous, bad-ass cauldron.

You Are So Beautiful.

Just in time for Christmas!

Blessedildo.

I'm currently filming for a good director friend of mine in South Africa. Yesterday I was dildo'ing a paraplegic for three hours for this love scene ... hm. Doesn't it sound great when I say 'dildo'? My big, booming voice and shit ... diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiildooooooo ... dildooooooooooooooo...

Happy Little Eagle.

Little Girl Likes Her Brain

Ah, finally I have enough time to start writing the winner follow-up book to my overwhelming success of a book; Flying Solo. I liked it anyway. Now where to start, where to start. Oh, I know...



"You may fire when ready." That's what old Peter Sellers said to m-



Ah, no, no, no, it wasn't bloody Peter Sellers was it? Strike that. Let's start again.


"You may fire when ready". That's what old Peter Cushing said to me as he watched me pissing against a tree outside Elstree Studios. Cunning pirate that Cushing fellow. Handsome too.

But does that sound forced?



I was only picked by George Lucas to play Boba Fett because I fit the suit.



That doesn't say much of me as an actor though does it? Hmm...


George Lucas, the old swine-



Actually, he was quite young then.



George Lucas, the young swine liked my style. Yes, he wanted me for the role of Boba Fett. He wined and dined me for the part. He told me he'd kill himself, yes, kill himself if I didn't take the role of the bounty cunter.



Oh shit! I made a fucking type-o. I never do that. Never. Oh well, I don't suppose anyone will notice.



George was going to kill himself, can you imagine anything so ridiculous?



Hmm, I quite fancy a cider right about now.



I remember my early years as a much younger man with contempt. My mummy made me dust the dolls house while Super Gran was on telly. I loved Super Gran...



I never did get to see that episode.



I made Empire and Jedi, myself of course, being the true star of the films. The fans know I'm the real star of the Star Wars movies. George took my voice out of the new DVDs and replaced it with the voice of that black bastard; Tamrin wossname, the bloke who played Jando or Jango, Boba's supposed father. I hate George Lucas. But most of all, I love the money I've made from autograph signings. So my life hasn't been a complete waste of time.



Yes. I like that. Now all I have to do is think of a snappy title for this masterpiece...

BOBA FETT: THE BOOK
BY
JEREMY BULLOCH

Noel Dandy.

Please feel free to go about your daily travails. I'll remain here in your home and await your return, upon which I shall reward you with a very reasonable Dominican sherry and stories of my many sexual conquests during my time spent in the Orient.

NoahJet.

I was planning to buy an airline, and perhaps name it after my beloved wife. Something along the lines of; 'She With The Mystery Nipple Secretions International'...

Dr. Smith Rightfully Avoided The Third One.

Swallowing the Wolverine figure won't give you healing abilities, claws or 'fabulous muttons'. Seriously, I won't be here the next time you swallow that damn thing.

William James Mer-huuuuurgh...

I can now happily add; 'eat a transvestite's vomit', to the list of things I've done for a penny.

Not Today, Motherfucker!

Warrior Training.

Hey! Stop smiling, man. You'll never be a bad-ass Viking Barbarian if you break concentration and start smiling and grinning and shit.

How To Grow Chest Hair, by J. Sparks.

William James Mercer's Neighbour Has A Barbeque.

It was pretty decent of my neighbour to let me join his barbeq... Oh no! Oh God! No. This isn't right. Hey Joe, how about turning my burger? You know I want my meat medium rare. Matter of fact, lift that shit up so I can see it better... Oh, Jesus Christ! Joe, how long did you leave that barbeque burning before you started cooking on it, because if you'd have done it right I'd be seeing some sweet grill lines on my burger. Oh, and that better not be my bun that's cut up all crooked and oozing those greasy fucking onions, man.

We Go Play Hoop.

Festivus.

It'll be Christmas next month. I was actually born in August, I don't know who screwed up and made me a fucking Capricorn.

Browngrocer.

All of these fruits and vegetables I have on sale are what folks refer to as being 'Nature's Candy', in that it's natural, tasty and full of all kinds of useful nutrients. It won't make you enjoy your job, but it will make your feces nice and stinky.

Tidbits.

Something new for this website - Amazing tidbits of trivial information. One new tidbit per week. To begin this new segment;

Pissing On Flies.



An example of the 'fly-in-the-urinal' you'll find in the lavatories of Schiphol Airport, Amsterdam.

Printing this seemingly random object onto the urinal reduced 'unfortunate spillages' by around 80%, cutting cleaning costs significantly.

Gerry.

Gerry, you're over an hour and forty-five minutes late for work again. I can't afford to hire you if you're going to insist on swimming to work every morning! I mean, Jesus -fuckin'- Christ, it's one thing to be nearly two hours late, but it's another thing to then sit and bitch about how that polluted-ass lake is giving you a fucked-up purple coloured rash along your back. Oh, and seriously don't get me started on the lack of uniform ... or rather, how your uniform is suddenly that pink swim cap and black speedo combo you're wearing. If you weren't so awesome at rewinding those video cassettes, you'd totally be fired.

Dr. Smith Spent 3 Years Mastering Child Psychology.

I might not be here the next time your pains come back. A little birdy tells me you've been getting poor grades recently. Which means if you don't improve them you'll have to see the bad doctor next time, because your poor grades will have killed me, my family and all the nice doctors.

William James Mercer Foresaw Obama Winning.

Yeah, I have this precognitive sense wherein I can vividly foresee events before they occur.

Oh, hold on. I'm having one of those visions right now ... yes ... I can see ... an old man ... breaking into your empty home while you're at work ... and making his way into your bedroom. Yes, he's lifting the duvet of your bed ... now he's taking down his pants and ... oh my word, he's giving himself an enema on your bed ... oh my, it's gushing all kinds of rancid matter all over the sheets and all over the walls of your bedroom ... ok, it seems to be over. The old man is wiping himself on your pillow. Now he's fastening his pants and running out of the door and into the streets. He's reached the end of the street. He's laughing to himself and lighting a tobacco pipe.

hm. It's strange, the guy kind of looks familiar. He kind of looks like me.