Chicken Henry

Bunch o' them ole' folks, they call me Chicken Henry on account of the fact I raise me chickens. Always have, since I been a little'un. Oh yeah, I feed 'em on that there layers mash and keep 'em all comfy like. Y'know, I may look a bit ass-backwards and you'd probably think I'm a hick from hicksville but I'm not. I'm in tune with that there modern folks from Hollywood. Take that Lady Gaga and her pokerface. Corrr, I'd love to poke-her-face. She looks just like David Bowie and I bet she tastes just as nice too.

Southern Justice

Fuckin' hit him Jimmy. You know he's had it coming!!!

No, please don't Jimmy, c'mon man, I didn't mean to. Please.

No way Karl, I told ya, I done told ya not to didn't I? What'd I say bitch?

You- You said, I could-

I said, you can date my Sister Shelly but what'd I say??? WHAT'D I SAY!!!

You said- You said not to fuck her none.

And what'd you do Karl???

I fucked her?

Yeah you fucked her and now you're gonna pay Karl. You saw that Jesus dude in that one film by Mel Gibson?

Passion of the-

That's right. Well I'm gon' beat you ten times more and ten times worse than that Lord and Saviour dude with this here branch of tree.

That Kid Is In Our Damn Bathroom, Again...

Fuckin, by Ray Winstone.

Hat Race!

Brenda's Ice Cream Emporium.

You know what, Brenda? The quality of this ice cream and the size of the scoops you serve almost ... almost ... makes up for how badly it smells of burp in this place.

Fishing Creek Fantasies.

Palin : The Movie.

Med-EVIL

Oh, I am so happy, today on our most splendid wedding day my husband.

I too my sweet. For today it is, that you are to wear the chastity belt.

The what?

As my wife, hence my personal property, you are to wear this chastity belt which I have lovingly constructed for you. You will put your vagina inside the belt so no other man may touch you whilst I am away fighting the infidels in the Middle East. And it covers the buttocks too, so there'll be no buggery either. I have all aspects covered my sweet so don't get an ideas.

What about my mouth?

Shit.

Fish And Hicks

Ma' wife, she don't agree with me wearing a fish coat but I think it suits me. She's all into this fashion crap that all them city folk love. Wearing cottons and the such, it ain't right none. Me, I'm a simple man with simple pleasures and if I wanna walk into town with a fish coat on, well Goddamn it, I'm gon' do it. This is a free country and I'm a free man... At the moment. My court hearing is next week. I didn't mean no harm when I stuck that fella over the head with ma' shovel and stole his fish.

Do You Secretly Find Marco Pierre White Sexy?

Uh, like the aristocratic chefs of our time, say Angus Sharpei, Lionel Campbell-Wick-Green or even the great Catcher Bloc I have pioneered the way forward in food cuisine making people eat... Food. Hello, I'm Marco-

POLO!!!

Shut it. I hate it when that happens. I won't stand for that kind of language in my fucking restaurant. Hello, you know who I am. I'm that chef from off Hell's Kitchen on the telly. Allow me to speak to you using only words. Yes, of course it was this morning that worried me the most. Not that I awoke without my penis, and no, not that I have noticed that I am starting to go bald. An ugly man such as myself doesn't have these problems. What I don't lose in hair, I make up with wrinkles. No it was the alarming rate to which I have started wearing that dishcloth, scarf-ish thing on my head. Making me look, yes, okay a little bit arabbie. Or is that arabic? Who cares, that's nots the points to which I am reflecting ats. Sorry for my unnecessary use of S at the end of some words but it had to be done.

I know a lot of people think me, oh, what would you say, sullen? I know I seem like I have the grump all the time but really, I don't. I'm a happy chappy really. Just ask Claire Sweeney. She thinks I'm hot stuff. She thinks I'm sexy and truth be told, so does most of Britain and some of the Americas. Yes, even the men. I even caught a glimpse of myself in my bedroom mirror the other day and I was stunned at what I saw. Yeah, it turned me on when I look as good as King Kong. I am sexy damn you!. Fucking sexy in fact. You may or may not know this, but I have dated some of the world's most beautiful women including Ingrid Bergman and football slag; Nancy Dell'Olio but I had to end my sexualism with her because she tasted like baldness. I can only imagine she must have picked that vibe up from that Sven-Göran Eriksson fella. But to hell with women, cooking in my one and only true love. And I'm going to keep it just for you so when you come into my restaurant I can materbate flavours all over you. That's right, I'm going to fuck your mouth with food.

You Are Not A Salmon.

Alice's Bakery.

I made this for you, Mother.

Oh hey, that's amazing. Thank you! Oh, but I couldn't possibly eat all of that on my own. How about you go ahead an' gobble that down, and I'll not spend the next hour wailing on you for dipping your shit-and-spit-covered paws into my goddamn pastry mix again. Lord knows you'll suffer enough already with all the salmonella in that thing, without me putting bruises on you.

Bingo'ing!

Ha-Ha-Ha! Would anybody care to blow on these balls for luck, before I draw them?

OH! For fuck's sake, enough with the ball jokes! Honestly, somebody's gonna get a D.I.Y. hysterectomy in this motherfucker if I hear another; "the balls are dropping ... the balls are hot tonight ... the balls are small" or, "Hey Joe, would you empty your balls into my little chamber...". Honestly, just give me a fuckin' reason!

Alright, calm down. These lousy jokes are only being used to distract your attentions away from the shitty cucumber sandwich 'grand prize' we've got on offer.

Wilkin's Slave Emporium.