The story of one cockney's dream of becoming an Ice Hockey superstar.
Coming Soon!
Thursday, 26 February 2009
Jason Statham : OCKEY!
Museum Of Unnecessarily Large Antiquities.
Welcome to the Museum Of Unnecessarily Large Antiquities. May I offer you a ride on my ass?
Police Bike.
Echo-Three-Six reporting in - I have the criminal in my immediate vision and I'm in hot pursuit! Oh shit, where are the pedals on this thing?
The Un-Understanding Man
Calvin, I need to talk to you.
Sure thing sweetheart. What is it?
I got a phone call this morning.
Oh how nice. I get them too from time to time.
The call was from your boss.
Yeah? And...?
And he informed me you haven't shown up at the office for the past month.
I know, I didn't wanna go to work anymore.
What do you mean; "Didn't want to go to work anymore"?
Well, it's not like you have to go all the time is it? I thought it'd be cool to, you know, like, stay at home and pet the dog or watch a football game on TV. That kinda stuff. What's this all about anyway? Is my boss upset with me or something?
Oh that's to say the least. In fact, he's so upset he called to let you know you're fired.
Shiiiiiiit. No way. Really?
Really.
But why'd he fire me like that? I was his best employee.
You obviously weren't Calvin or he wouldn't have fired you. That's what happens when you don't bother to show up for work. You get fired.
Yeah, so? No need to fire my ass.
God Calvin, how many times do I have to explain this to you? This is what, the fourth job you've had this year and it's only February. Christ Almighty! It's like trying to communicate with a gorilla!!!
Damn. Guess I fucked up didn't I?
Ya think?
Mary Poppins
Oh wonderful Pigeons. You are a joy to watch. Here, have more stale bread my friends.
Hey lady, we don't want your pity. Do me and the guys look desperate to you? No. Know why we don't. Cuz we ain't.
It's a miracle! A pigeon is speaking to me. Hello little pigeon.
My name ain't little pigeon old lady, it's Kevin Birdsmith. And these are some of my pals. Hey guys, say "Hi" to the old crone.
I'm not an old crone! And you are a very rude little pigeon.
Oh yeah lady? Well fuck you.
What?
You heard me old hag. Get lost. Scram!
I'm not taking this from a bird. I'll be leaving now and taking my stale bread with me!
Good, your hands smell like shit anyways.
Wednesday, 25 February 2009
Captain Daniel.
Land ahoy! I've spotted land, roughly 30 kilometres west. Boys, make the necessary preparations in which to invade!
Daniel...
Captain Daniel.
Captain Daniel, that's France. You can't have France.
Nonsense. I shall take this land for our monarchy by any means. No nation has ever withstood the might of her majesty's Navy.
Yeah, but. That's France. They're a sovereign nation. You really can't have France. Plus, y'know, we're not really in 'her majesty's Navy...'. We're in my motorboat. And we're supposed to be fishing.
Why 'ye mutinous pup! By the power vested in me, I shall have to overcome you and toss you into the holding cell. Upon our return to the British Isles, you will be met with a court mandate to stand trial at the mercy of our beloved ruler!
Dan ... Captain Daniel ... your fishing rod is twitching. I think you've caught something.
Oh, very good! Tonight we shall dine on their fish. Tomorrow, we shall dine on their blood...
Intel Inside.
Hey computer, I wanna store some music files on you.
Wouldn't you rather have a big sandwich, instead? ... There we are ... Enjoy!
Oh, thanks. This is great! So how about we upload some music files onto you?
How about you stop trying to upload your shitty Rod Stewart songs onto me, and have another big sandwich?
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
Dr. Smith Is Not A Bank.
It appears you haven't made a payment on the new liver we put into you ... for, like, five months. I'm sorry man, I'm going to have to take it back.
Pregnant Guy.
Whoa-Whoa-Whoa! I'm about to drop this thing! Quick, there's no time for any namby-pamby drugs - just grab the tow rope and we'll all be toasting to this little bastard in the pub in no time.
Monday, 23 February 2009
The Museum Of Unnecessarily Large Antiquities.
This device is an Unnecessarily Large Insult Generator. It dates back to the late 1600's. William III used it to heckle the invading Dutch. Say, why don't you try it out? It's in pretty good working order.
This machine sucks!
*zzzzzt ... Yeah, well! Those stupid white uniforms make you look like a couple of faggots. I'm surprised you were able to ask me a question at all, what with all the baby cock you have jammed in your throat ... zzzzzt*
Ooh! You just got completely owned. And like, even that guy behind me heard it.
Raisin The Dead
Alright you muppets, what you got for me?Ah, Mr. Statham, we are movie executives not-
I don't care what you are. You're nothing but a bunch of Hollywood slags to me. Now I ain't got all day here. You gonna spit it out or what?
Well, there's a lot of great scripts here for your consideration.
I'm listening.
Ah... Let me see... Ah yes. There's Crank 3: Ultimate Voltage.
What? Another bloody Crank? You've gotta be kidding me. You must be a bloody crank.
Of course Mr. Statham.
Hey, we got The Transporter 4 script here! Hot off the press. How about that one?
Listen here Missy, I don't wanna do no more cockney banger-ups. I wanna do more of your Citizen Kanes.
But I just think you should consider doing another Transporter becaus-
Shut it you slag, you muppet.
But Stath, we're just trying to give you some options here. And please don't be rude to Miss Carla like that. She is sensitive.
Fuck off will ya. I ain't got no time for sensitive slags. And another thing, don't you ever call me Stath. No one expect my mother calls me that and if she did she'd get her head bashed in.
Ah look, you made her cry.
I'll make you cry in a minute Sonny Jim. SCRIPTS! Gimme a bleeding script here that's worth a shit.
How about a zombie flick?
Nah, not my style. Too cliche.
What about a pirate movie? You know like Johnny Depp? Argh!
Don't patronize me you cunt!
Oh, oh, what about a gay interest picture?
Bollocks to that! You want a kick in the brain? I ain't no arse fiddler like that Shane Penn.
Sean.
Fuck off. You saying I'm stupid?
No, no of course not.
I'm watching you faggot-face. I'll go cockney kung-fu bastard on your arse if you say one more thing outta order.
Paul W.S Anderson called a few days ago and wondered if you'd be interested in doing a Death Race 2?
I should clip his ear for that. I don't do sequels.
But-
Leave it!
Mr. Statham...
Shut it. You nutters must think coz I'm English that I must be stupid like that wossname rat who everyone hated from Star Wars.
His name was Jar-
The rat's name was your mother.
We need to agree.
Alright then. I agree that you're all a bunch of pussies.
This is getting us nowhere.
Do I look like your grandfather?
No...
Well I may not be your grandfather but I'll still bend you over my knee and spank you like the old codger.
My word!
Listen here you Hollywood bastards, I've decided what I wanna do. I'm going to take all these scripts and mix 'em all into one movie. And that's FINAL.
COMING THIS SUMMER...
JASON STATHAM
IN
ATTACK OF THE TRANSPORTED CRANKED UP GAY ZOMBIE PIRATES.
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