Alright you muppets, what you got for me?Ah, Mr. Statham, we are movie executives not-
I don't care what you are. You're nothing but a bunch of Hollywood slags to me. Now I ain't got all day here. You gonna spit it out or what?
Well, there's a lot of great scripts here for your consideration.
I'm listening.
Ah... Let me see... Ah yes. There's Crank 3: Ultimate Voltage.
What? Another bloody Crank? You've gotta be kidding me. You must be a bloody crank.
Of course Mr. Statham.
Hey, we got The Transporter 4 script here! Hot off the press. How about that one?
Listen here Missy, I don't wanna do no more cockney banger-ups. I wanna do more of your Citizen Kanes.
But I just think you should consider doing another Transporter becaus-
Shut it you slag, you muppet.
But Stath, we're just trying to give you some options here. And please don't be rude to Miss Carla like that. She is sensitive.
Fuck off will ya. I ain't got no time for sensitive slags. And another thing, don't you ever call me Stath. No one expect my mother calls me that and if she did she'd get her head bashed in.
Ah look, you made her cry.
I'll make you cry in a minute Sonny Jim. SCRIPTS! Gimme a bleeding script here that's worth a shit.
How about a zombie flick?
Nah, not my style. Too cliche.
What about a pirate movie? You know like Johnny Depp? Argh!
Don't patronize me you cunt!
Oh, oh, what about a gay interest picture?
Bollocks to that! You want a kick in the brain? I ain't no arse fiddler like that Shane Penn.
Sean.
Fuck off. You saying I'm stupid?
No, no of course not.
I'm watching you faggot-face. I'll go cockney kung-fu bastard on your arse if you say one more thing outta order.
Paul W.S Anderson called a few days ago and wondered if you'd be interested in doing a Death Race 2?
I should clip his ear for that. I don't do sequels.
But-
Leave it!
Mr. Statham...
Shut it. You nutters must think coz I'm English that I must be stupid like that wossname rat who everyone hated from Star Wars.
His name was Jar-
The rat's name was your mother.
We need to agree.
Alright then. I agree that you're all a bunch of pussies.
This is getting us nowhere.
Do I look like your grandfather?
No...
Well I may not be your grandfather but I'll still bend you over my knee and spank you like the old codger.
My word!
Listen here you Hollywood bastards, I've decided what I wanna do. I'm going to take all these scripts and mix 'em all into one movie. And that's FINAL.
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2 comments:
'I don't do sequels' - fucking brilliant.
Loved the cockney kung-fu bit as well.
I want to meet Statham's brother. Hook me uuuuuuup.
I'm not blowing my own trumpet here but that has to be one of my best posts ever. It makes me laugh just reading it to myself so it must be good. That comment "that rats name is your mother" still makes me giggle.
Now about Lee Statham. Chez says she hasn't seen him in years. Not since her parents ran a stall. But I'm sure we can find him. Then he will lead us to the Stath. Or not, who knows?
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