Crazy Lady In The Library.

Jim Is Responsible For All Of His Own Material.

I met an unemployed dwarf last night.

He had a sign;

No Job
Too Small

You Can't Have Influenza Without F-U-N!

"You have the flu, my lad. I recommend you rest up for the remainder of this week and drink plenty of water. Don't worry, it's only the flu. It won't kill you the way it killed your Grandmother."

Git Down Girl, Go Ahead Git Down.

The Mayor Of Garboldisham.

Look at my tiny face.

Look at this well-tendered facial rot, my reasonably girthy frame, these magnificent glasses and this tremendous comb-over.

The Mayor of Garboldisham truly ain't nothin' to mess with.

While I will continue to work with my nemesis, the Mayor of Lidlingham, I will diligently toil on my own accord to ruin him. Are the waterways and canals of Lidlingham polluted by their local power plant? Nope! Garboldisham's are. That's why I have a personal army of winged fish, motherfucker. One day you will wake up to find somebody has broken into your home and inked a spurting phallus on your forehead, Mayor of Lidlingham. This will mark the beginning of my tyranny.

Jim Bowen : The Wonky Eye Tour 2008.

Two fish are in a tank.

One turns to the other and says; "You man the guns, I'll drive."

The Blessed Support Helpline.

Hello. 'Blessed Support Helpline', Brian Blessed speaking. How may I help?

...oh, I see. That's an easy question. Simply unzip your siamese twin brother's pants and have yourself a good old fondle of his bits while he sleeps.

Thanks for calling.

Leonine Love Making

The things you see when you DO have a camera. lol

Click the image for the big pleasure.

Negro y Oro

Thought #1. I think I hate Sam Sparro.

Thought #2. No, I DO hate Sam Sparro.

Thought #3. I think his music is bloody fucking rubbish too.

Thought #4. I want a cheeseburger.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHuebHTD-lY

Penine For The Soul

NOW LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HE'S HERE, HE'S QUEER, HE'S THE MAYOR OF LIDLINGHAM!!!!

Oi, oi, oi, hoy, hoy-paloy! Amazing turn out here today. Phew, amazing turn on too. Never seen so many slags and slappers in a crowd before. Makes me proud to be British. Talking of pride. I am very proud to be here today in the great town of Lidlingham and proud to be your duly elected Mayor. We really showed those fuckers in Garboldisham didn't we kids?! That's the last time they'll play Cricket with us or any fucking game for that matter. Let alone play us at politics.

Folks, you know I didn't come all the way out here from my bed this afternoon to talk shop. I've come here to announce some cracking news. No, it's not the fact I've been let off the baby smothering charges from April 2005. No, it's not that great, but it's pretty close. You see, my wife; Claire and I have been talking about starting a family. So we've been to some piss hole no ones ever heard of in Africa and stolen a young child from one of the villagers like Madonna did. Isn't that just fab?

But to the good news I eluded to earlier. I've been in talks with the mayor of Brogborough and we have come to a resolution to all the bloodshed between our Two towns. So, starting from, but not including January 2009/10, Lidlingham will be merging with Brogborough to become Gt. Broglingham. Oh, you don't have to thank me now, handjobs after school will be... Just fine. And to those hooligans that stand at the end of my street getting high on Vimto; stop keying my fucking car okay???

Sweet And Tender Hooligan.

Let's see.

Writing my name on a desk. Check.

Wearing a plate of sausages on my shoulder. Check.

Smilin' like a motherfucker. Check.

You Just Haven't Earned It Yet, Baby.

Oh absolutely, you can definitely have my private e-mail address. It is ramrod_fanny_drowner@hotmail.com.

Funny story behind the naming of that e-mail address, actually...

William James Mercer Appreciates A Healthy Frame.

30 years of loyal service, and they give me this clock as ... oh, bloody hell, look at the tits on that fat guy over there! He's got a cracking pair of whoppers on him!

Oi mate, show us yer bangers!



...so what were we talking about?

Catching Up With The Blessed On Set.

No, no. This is only a rental body. I'm to return it once filming is completed.

The Hellephant Man.

William James Mercer-Bowen.

I've been redecorating the ol' homestead. I reckon it'll take another twenty or so tins of Quality Street to completely cover the walls of my lounge in those purple, hazelnut-caramel wrappers.

Dr. Smith Hasn't The Stomach For These Things.

Dude, you've an eye growing on your liver! That's amazing, can you see anything out of it? It's pretty fucked up, it's also probably the reason why you have nightmares - having to see that shit going on inside of you and whatnot. urgh. It's pretty gross though. I mean, it's just there, staring back at me. Occasionally blinking. I can't be looking at that thing for too long, y'know? It's just all kinds of wrong, like an old woman's armpit or something.

Jerry.

"You know what Jerry's like. Where ever there's a barbeque, Jerry will be swimming to it."

Christ Rollin'.

Jesus Christ is what?

Jesus Christ is what?

That's right, Jesus Christ is the illest.

Scarified!

Count Scooby Dooby Dooku

Coming to your galactic ass, straight from mahfuckin' JAPAN!!!



COUNT DOOKU!!!




Oh no my friend, they've gone too far this time, this is madness.
There are no bounty hunters here that I know of, the Geonoisians don't trust them.
Join me Obi-Wan and together, we will destroy THE SITH!!!
It may be difficult to secure your release.

Jim Bowen : Still Got It!

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

Jesus 2.0

You kids know about the USB outlet my father installed into the back of your head, right? Yeah, I know, it's like so 1997 to have a USB nowadays, what with Bluetooth, Firewire and whatnot. He's doing his best trying to keep up with the trends, up there.

Death Of A Disco Dancer.

I've been spending a great deal of my time sneaking into the 'Maternity Records Office' at the local hospital. Pretty much been re-naming the kids who pop out over the course of a day.

I believe children are the future, and I want a future run by President 'Apocalypse Radiumbeam'.

Dr. Smith Appreciates The Finer Arts.

"Ok, well I don't think it should be too difficult. You've got enough space along your Trochea to have a decent-sized tattoo of Robocop."

The Blessed Interviews - Part Two.

"I wound up frequenting this wretched little Chinese massage parlour during the filming of Kenny Branagh's Henry V. After the massage, a young lady would escort you into this attic where they had these enormous vases. There were at least five of these vases crammed into this tiny attic space. Must've been seven feet tall by five feet wide. Anyway, you'd pick a vase, climb up and there'd be a woman waiting inside. It would be dark, hot and smelly in the vase, but them gals were absolute professionals. Of course, you'd need another massage as soon as you'd finished your business."

Noah's Boob Tube.

Ouch, that was a close call. I nearly left Channel 4 on. Charlotte Church ... please ... no!

Hit mute. Knock one out. Switch off.

Who Will Watch The Watchmen?

Holy crap, looks like they've pulled it off.

Major underpant-tent action.

Is that a remixed version of the Smashing Pumpkins song they used on Batman & Robin playing in the background?

Baddie Manilow.

I think we both know why you're seeing me here in the barbarism of hell. You stole that Rod Stewart song using the internet, didn't you? Now you'll have to spend eternity toiling and being hideously tortured beyond all imagination ... simply because you downloaded that fucking mp3. You big plum.

Noah's Photo A-Go-Go!

My dear old mother's head fell off during the weekend. I got my eldest son to stick it back on with gaffer tape and blu tac.

She's banned from riding motorcycles, now.

OH MY GOD!

Whiffle James Mercer.

I wish I had a Whiffler.

"Hello, I am William James Mercer, and this is my Whiffler, Geoffrey.

Geoffrey, whiffle for a bit, there's a good chap."

Dr. Smith Continues To Work Towards Creating A Centaur.

You know, upon reflection, fusing the skeleton of your dead sister to your ribcage hasn't had the effects I was anticipating.

The Blessed Often Interviews Himself.

I've just recently finished filming in Pakistan. Got to say, the brothels are pretty rough over there. At one point I ended up in a particularly awful brothel, and wound up with this local heffer named 'Gerti'. She had one arm, one eye and, frankly, it was like trying to shove cooked spaghetti into a keyhole...

Noah Is Connected.

You're a funny guy.

I'll kill you last.

Teen Wolf Peek - A - Boo.

Can't believe I haven't posted this before.

After Michael J. Fox wins the game at the end of 'Teen Wolf', the crowd goes crazy and appropriately awful music pipes in. Just before the credits scroll along, there is a throw-away shot of the crowd going ... crazy ... like ... a ... wolf ... however, in the top left of the throw-away shot, a gentleman extra (or crew) celebrates Michael J. Fox's heroics by taking his old boy out. Needless to say, this kind of fan participation is not as accepted at (my beloved) Carrow Road as it is in 'Teen Wolf'. In later/recent releases of the movie, plus recent tv cuts, the willy shot has been edited out. Shame.

Jason Bateman should replace Michael J. Fox in another Back To The Future sequel. Fact.

Mercer's Afternoon Delight.

What am I up to today? Not much. Going to beat up a couple of Nurses at the hospital later. Good times.