NOW LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HE'S HERE, HE'S QUEER, HE'S THE MAYOR OF LIDLINGHAM!!!!
Oi, oi, oi, hoy, hoy-paloy! Amazing turn out here today. Phew, amazing turn on too. Never seen so many slags and slappers in a crowd before. Makes me proud to be British. Talking of pride. I am very proud to be here today in the great town of Lidlingham and proud to be your duly elected Mayor. We really showed those fuckers in Garboldisham didn't we kids?! That's the last time they'll play Cricket with us or any fucking game for that matter. Let alone play us at politics.
Folks, you know I didn't come all the way out here from my bed this afternoon to talk shop. I've come here to announce some cracking news. No, it's not the fact I've been let off the baby smothering charges from April 2005. No, it's not that great, but it's pretty close. You see, my wife; Claire and I have been talking about starting a family. So we've been to some piss hole no ones ever heard of in Africa and stolen a young child from one of the villagers like Madonna did. Isn't that just fab?
But to the good news I eluded to earlier. I've been in talks with the mayor of Brogborough and we have come to a resolution to all the bloodshed between our Two towns. So, starting from, but not including January 2009/10, Lidlingham will be merging with Brogborough to become Gt. Broglingham. Oh, you don't have to thank me now, handjobs after school will be... Just fine. And to those hooligans that stand at the end of my street getting high on Vimto; stop keying my fucking car okay???
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2 comments:
'bloodshed between our two towns' - made me giggle.
This reminds me of a time when I read in the Milton Keynes Advertiser (I was trying to salvage some culture from that awful town) that the town's officials had come together with neighbouring Aylesbury to have a heated debate as to the 'supposed' endorsed repeated vandalism of Milton Keynes' picturesque floral displays, within the town centre. I found it amusing that a: the officals of Aylesbury had clubbed together to conspire against Milton Keynes'; "I have just the plan to get up the backs of those bastards in Milton Keynes ... we'll stomp on their flowers!", b: that people would actually carry this out, c: that Milton Keynes' town officials would actually bother going about having a debate about it, let alone a 'heated' debate and d: that I once saw a group of three loused-up kids being sick into an opened car sunroof in the X-Cape carpark - that anybody there really has any interest other than drinking, driving, drink-driving, fucking their siblings, and fucking their siblings while drink-driving.
In other news, I plan to run for Prime Minister.
My lady has already stated that I will not be receiving her vote - purely based on my 'crackpot' vision to revolutionise public transport.
Oh my god! That was fucking hilarious!
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