Hot Rod.

Donuts.

Jenny's Stratagem II

Now I want you to really pay attention to this. Are you listening to me?

Wha? Oh yeah, yeah. Of course Jen. Of course.

Good. Now last year's figures were so low because of an unseen downturn in the industry that-

*Strawberry Cheesecake*

Huh?

Why did you stop?

I didn't. I was just saying that the downturn was caused mainly because-

*Tiramisu*

I'm sorry, did you have something to say?

Who me? Nope.

Fine, fine. Yes, as I was saying the stratagem I have come up with will turn this company around and make the product-

*Key Lime Pie*

What?

Please continue.

I would if you-

Please continue.

Okay, fine. Well I just got off the phone with Howard Randore who is running our production line on Singapore and-

*Black Forest Gateau*

I heard that!

Heard what?

Heard. I heard...

*Hot Chocolate Fudge Sundae*

Stop it!

Stop what?

You're whispering the names of desserts.

Okay, you got me.

But why?

Because Jenny, I think you're sweet.

*Banana Cream Pie*

Putting The 'Fun' In Vacatio...uh...fun.

Hey, I'm sorry the tea isn't very warm. The stove ran out of gas. The matches were soaked in the recent rain storms, and the nearest store is twelve miles away. But still! At least we're not vacationing someplace where they have warm weather, gas appliances, restaurants, and places where you can get a decent cup of hot coffee.

The Emperor's New Groove.

I'm A Man Of Wealth And Taste.

Hello, I'm June. This is my son, Frodo.

Pleased to meet you. So, 'Frodo' like from 'The Lord of the Rings'?

No. What is 'Lord of the Rings'?

Uh ... seriously?! Are you fucking with me?!

Mr. Turtle

Paint Your Wagon

So Troy, are you glad we decided to paint the place now?

NO!!! I FUCKING HATE PAINTING!!! All week you've made me get up at the crack of dawn, worked me like a dog all Goddamn day until I can't see or think straight and then you ask me if I'm glad? FUCK NO BITCH!!!

No need to shout Troy. You can work some more. We'll stay later so we can work into the night.

I hate you.

I know.

Breathdraft.

Oh, hello! I'm glad you could make it. Won't you come inside my home?

Sure ... hey, you know what? On second thoughts I'll pass on coming inside, because your whole house smells of bad breath. I thought I could smell it from your driveway, but goddamn, that stench damn near suffocated me when you opened your door. It was like a backdraft of every scent gathered from every car crash and car wreck since time began. All combined. All at once in my face. See you later, enjoy your shitty home.

Moon Boots.

Iron Man 2.

Even though it's somebody's bootleg of the footage. It looks amazing.

If you aren't dying to see that footage of Mickey Rourke swinging those whips in HD ... then, you're clearly not me.

Fuelling The Future.

Audition.

Before we get into this audition, why don't you tell us a little about yourself? For example, who would you say is your biggest inspiration in acting?

I would have to say that Nathan Fillion is the actor I admire most. He's probably the finest actor in history. I can only hope to be a tenth as great an actor as he.

Ok that's very ... uh, wait. Really?! Nathan Fillion?! Ok, well. Thanks for coming. Good luck with the career.

Murder House.

Turkey Bird.

Lord Cattermole Is A Grocery Thief.

Straight Into Grandma...

Mama Warned Me 'Bout Men Like You...

Whoa, Jeez! I'm so sorry! I've completely spilled your milk. I'll just go back and fetch you another glass...

Oh, hey. Don't worry about it! There's no need to fetch another, how about you pop open your blouse and I'll take some fresh milk from the source?

Ketchup Bath.

I would say the best thing about taking a ketchup bath, would be how it leaves a sticky, orange residue under my foreskin. Chicks always dig the residue.

Staind

Wai, wai, wai, wait a second...

What?

Just wait a second here. Did you just call me what I think you did?

Yeah.

So lemme get this straight... You just refered to me, your best friend and Godfather to your Son Kyle as a-

A shit stain. Yeah.

A what?

You heard me. A shit stain.

But why?

Because that's what I think of you shit stain.

You're calling me a shit stain?

Yeah, shit stain.

I'm a shit stain?

Yeah, you got a hearing problem shit stain?

Oh, I ain't got no problem hearing Ben, but you see, if there's anyone that's a shit stain, it's you buddy.

You dare call me a fucking shit stain?

Yeah. I do shit stain.

I ain't no fucking shit stain. You're the shit stain, shit stain.

No you are Benny boy. Everyone in high school knew out of me and you, you were the shit stain.

No Tony, you were the shit stain because that's what you are.

Oh yeah?

Yeah. Besides... I shit on you.

You shit on me? On me?

Yeah, right on your fucking head. Nah, nah, I take that back. I open your mouth and shit into it like a toilet because that's what you are Tony, you're my toilet. And you got a big old stain up the side of you. So fuck you, shit stain.

Yeah? Well this shit stain is having a relationship with your mother.

What?

Your mother fucks like a tiger, d'you know that? Now who's the shit stain Benny boy?

Allied Beard.

William James Mercer's Vegetable Patch.

Where have I been recently? Well, I'm an old man and I needed a rest. Actually, I've been busy. I travelled to France, I've been growing a vegetable patch in my garden, I've been painting, Funny story about the painting - I went...

Hey, Mercer! The vegetables you grew for me are atrocious! These fucking 'courgettes' are nothing more than mummified dog turds painted to look like courgettes!

Map Quest.

Oh hey, I'm a little lost. Could you help me out by pointing to where I am on this map?

Sure, no problem! We are ... uh, this isn't a map, it's just a big sheet of paper folded to look like a map ... with a giant image of a penis sketched onto it.

Man, That's A Lot Of Kit Kats...

Holy Shit! Holy Shit! Holy Shit!

Bedroom Games

... And then I put it in my mouth like this you see.

Oh deary me. What a joker you are Phillis. But of course she is using this banana in place of my cock. Yes, last night we had a night of passion. Everything was on the cards, blowjobs, tit fucking, teabagging, sodomy, I was even treated to a rusty tombstone by ole rusty hair here. Sex, I love it. Especially when it's disgusting. Don't you?

Road Trippin'

Howdy Pard'ner, that's Americanese for "hello". Me and my babe are on a road trip across America. We decided to do it while we were young and pennyless, rather than wait til' we are old. I mean, what good's money when you are wetting ourselves on a daily basis.

Tell 'em about the Cow-ed Boys Rick.

Shut it woman. There's a reason my woman travels in the back of the car. It's 'cause the bitch can't shut up for one fucking second of the day. Driving is a total nightmare with her in the car. I might just take her ass out to the Nevada Desert and smash her head in with my tire iron.

What was that Rick?

I said you look pretty today darling.

House Wombing.

A Rare Migrating Heinz.

Oh Henry, quick! You must see this. It looks like a migrating Heinz is nesting in the field.

Oh, that's wonderful news! What is it doing right now?

Being red.

Lord Cattermole.

Ol' Blind Tommy's Chitlin' Blues Guitar.

Whoreonomator.

I built this computer myself around three years ago. It's pretty sophisticated. I call it the 'Whoreonomator'.

What does it do?

Ah-ha! Well, I always say the best way to find something out is to try it for yourself! Take a seat and the dials will scan and determine your personality. Ok, it's now scanning ... yes, the computer is reading your data ... yes ... here we go, the Whoreonomator is telling me that you are indeed, a whore. Oh, no! I was incorrect. The Whoreonomator is specifically saying that you're a gullible whore.

Body Shop.

Banana Republic

Ah, hello? Yes, it's Bill. Who is this?

Bill, get off that banana for a second will ya, I need to know what you want to drink.

Ah will you hold, I'm at the bar about to get a dr-

For fuck's sake Bill, how many times have I told you NOT to use the banana in public?

I'm only talking on the-

Stop Bill!!! I've been your friend for Seven years now, dispite the fact you're a thin Nick Frost looking motherfucker and all I ask is you don't play with that fucking banana when we're in public.

Kenny, I may have a strange hobby, but at least I don't have a gay man's face.

What? Do I really have a gay man's face?

Yep. You really do.

Well Goddamn.

Now if you'll excuse me Kenny, I must get back to my conversation.

Onions!

Gash Of The Fairway.

I'm getting warm. I need to take my sweater off.

Yeah, no problem ... Whoa, what the hell is that? Is that a tattoo of a bunch of flames on your arm? That's really lame, why the hell did you get that? Wait, did you think your golf swing was so amazing that you were, like, 'The Flash of the Fairway' or something!? You're a lousy golfer. I guess you woke up one morning and thought to yourself; "I masterbate with lightning feracity. I need a shitty tattoo to communicate this to the world...".

Tragedy!