Can't A Ninja Get A Break?

Cheryl Meets Her Maker

Why aye man.

WHY AYE?

Who are you mate?

I AM GOD.

Oh God no, am I dead like?

NO.

Then why am I here then?

BECAUSE I WILLED IT TO BE.

I need to get back to me X-Factor boys and-

X-FACTOR MEANS NOTHING. YOU WILL STAY WHERE YOU ARE COLE.

Reet, reet man. I'll stay just here for the minute like.

YOU ARE A FAKE CHERYL COLE.

What?

YOU ARE THE DARLING OF SATURDAY NIGHT TELEVISION BUT YOU ARE FAKE.

What'd you mean God?

I MEAN YOU ARE NOT JUST A HYPOCRITE AND A MATERIALISTIC WAG. YOU ARE A COPYCAT.

No, no God, that was like a big misundertanding.

NO COLE IT WASN'T. I WAS THERE WHEN YOU SET ABOUT WRITING THE SONG: FIGHT FOR THIS LOVE. I AM EVERYWHERE.

Well it's not as it seems.

YES IT IS.

I had no idea it sounded just like the Kelis song.

YES YOU DID.

I'd never even heard that Lil Star song.

YES YOU HAD.

Okay, so what if I had? So what if I ripped it off? No one likes Kelis anyway.

I LIKE KELIS. I LOVE KELIS. AS I LOVE ALL MY CHILDREN.

Even me?

NO, NOT YOU.

Fair dues. Can I go now?

YES. FOR NOW... AND TELL SIMON COWELL I'LL BE SEEING HIM REAL SOON.

The Doctor Will See You Now

My name is John Doctor. And I am just living my life. This woman beside me is my doctor and personal wife; Mareet. Before this operation begins allow me to tell you a bit about myself. My name is John. I am a doctor. I was born in the year of the clair de lune some years in the past under a cloud of myxomatosis. I was brought to my parents; Robert and Randalf from the black woods of Eldor by an old hag with six words for them. "Keep the child, keep the promise". My parents of course didn't understand this, they were gay after all, and like so, they were dead by the time I was fifteen. I took a court scholarship with Frankfurt medical, which is a teaching hospital/school/brothel.

Eight glorious years went by where I would date many women, fuck, date, fuck, date and so on. There was so much banging. There were some drunken moments and smashed windows inbetween but as I said, I'm just living my life. Then I met my lovely Mareet while helping out under the Idi Amin administration. Good times those. And now I am head of medicine here and I keep it scotching. Scotching, f'scotching, f'scotching, f'scotching. And so, here we are and there you are and we are going to take you down to theatre in a few moments after I finish my big old dirty blowie from Mareet here. She's quite the clockstopper aren't you Mareet? Oooooo, yes she is. Waaaay!

Hark! A Sea Captain.

Available in HD.

The Twilight Fans Messageboard, Circa 1887.

Crisi-tunity!

Ain't No Party Like A Fred Phelps Party.

Just Let Me Know When He's Finished.

Mr. Plough.

Benders.

Cat Dream.

Thunder Biker!

There Is No 'Tool' In This Pool.

CUNT PILLS

Hello Mr. Jaffes.

Hello Nurse.

How are you feeling today?

Not too bad my dear.

It's a lovely day isn' it?

Yes.

Oh, you have a book?

Yes my dear.

No silly, I meant what's it about? Is it a love story? Oh I just love a good romance novel. Don't you?

No.

Is it a thriller?

No.

Is it a-

Before you go through every genre, let me tell you, it is a work of non-fiction.

Oh... In that case, is it an autobiography of someone famous like Michael Jackson or Hitler?

No. It's quantum mechanics.

Quantum what now?

Exactly my dear. Now why are you really here because you know I hate this small talk bullshit. Can't you just fuck off and leave me here to slowly die in peace?

You know we can't do that Mr. Jaffes. Now it's pill time again I'm afraid.

Fuck off bitch. I've told you before, I will not take those pills.

But why do you keep refusing to take them? They will make you better you know.

No they won't. They are cunt pills.

I know.

So why do I have to take them?

Because Mr. Jaffes, you're a cunt.

New Tattoo.

Don't Get Too Excited ... It's Only Chocolate.

Gott Im Himmel

Hey apl.de.ap?

You talking to me?

Yeah, I be talking to you.

But no one ever talks to me.

will.i.am.

You are?

For Fergie's sake, yeah, you.

Can we start again?

Yeah, let's. Okay... Hey apl.de.ap?

Yeah?

I got a feeling.

Really?

Yeah.

What kind of feeling?

Goddamn it Will. Do we have to go through this shit all the damn time. You tell apl.de.ap you got a feeling and he asks what sort of feeling and then you say-

That tonight's gonna be a good night!!!

That's the one.

Shut up and stop ruining my fun you bisexual bitch!

Fergie he's right. You are being a bitch.

Hey! The girl can't help it, she just can't help it.

Oh please!

Stop it Fergie, you fucking duchess!

No! You stop it. You know something Will, I'm sick of your shit, always acting like a big bad rockstar. You don't look like a rockstar.

will.i.am.

No you're not!

Hey everyone, let me defuse this situation.

And how you gonna do that Taboo?

See, there's a much bigger shit going on here y'all. I have the face of a monk... KEY!!! KEY!!!

Damn! Love that Nicolas Cage vibe right there Taboo.

Yeah... Real good. Not to mention there's the issue that no one ever shortens our name. It's never the B.E.P is it? Or just "The Peas". Or...

The shortened name for the Black Eye Peas is "Fergie". Cuz you know I be the star of this band.

My black ass! I'm the star.

Am I even Black? Seriously? Am I a brother or not?

Shut up Monkey boy. This doesn't excuse the fact you is getting to be a cunt Will. Doing all your Heartbreaker bullshit and hanging wit' dat Cole ho.

(((Ladies and Gentlemen... MRS. CHERYL COLE!!!)))

Oh fuck nah!!!

Oh yeah baby! Tonight's gonna be a good night... Me and Mrs. C are gonna be balling tonight baby. We gone fuck some shit up.

You mean like the lame ass way you fucked things up with The Rock? A washed up wrestler for dance sake.

That wasn't me. That was Wyclef Jean.

Oh yeah. My bad.

Nip.

The Farm.

Field Of Dreams.

Snowbastard.

Fuck Is This?

Where The Dogs At.

More Cushion For The Push... ion.

From The Case Files Of Sherlock Holmes

Now pay attention Watson and don't be alarmed by the ugly old bag behind us.

Where Holmes?

I said pay attention. The traffic light is green.

What's a traffic light Holmes?

Confound it all! You must be coming over all cofuddled after Professor Moriarty plundered us through that time vortex into another time nearer the future.

Holmes, this is all getting very confusing. It's making me quite faint in fact, perhaps I need a lay down.

No time for that my dear Doctor Watson, I just had my very first Starbucks coffee and I'm on a real buzz. I'm ready to solve this veil of mystery Watson. Let us go my friend!

But Holmes, what about the old bag?

Yes, yes, you can propose marriage to her later.

No, I mean she just stepped in a dog shit.

Well she can take her shoes off before you propose can't she?

Blackberry

You see me? Yeah, I know you do jamberoo. I know you see me. I'm what you hate most in life. I'm a man with not just a Blackberry. I'm a man with Two Blackberrys. Yeah, your thinking " But player, you only gots one Blackberry?" Yeah, I know that shit for brains. I have eyes, I can see I'm only holding one Goddamn Blackberry. The other one is in my pocket fool. I ain't planning on getting it out just to impress you. I know I got Two Blackberrys. Up to you whether you believe me. You do believe me right? Cause if I really had to I could prove I have another Blackberry but what's the point of that when you mean absolutely nothing to me. So you want me to show you the second Blackberry?... Yeah, just like I thought. Take a hike you no Blackberry having fool before I get medieval on your ass.

The Butterfield Diet Plan.

White Stripes.

Keynote Speech.

Cigar Vendor.

I'm going to have to pass on taking a cigar from your tray. I appreciate what you're doing, but I don't want one of your cigars ... or anything else you're offering. As far as I'm concerned, cigars should come in those little foil cartons. Not, like, ominously offered to you by an abominable little shit such as yourself.