Smilk

Oh honey, sorry to take you away from your pseudo sexual fantasy but this milk tastes kind of funny. Not in a ha, ha, like a fucking clown way, but in a funny "weird" way.




That's because it's SMILK!!! They take rich creamery milk and mix it with the silt of the earth to create something that tastes utterly... Diabolical.


Smilk eh? Riiiiiiight. So what's the relevance of the Oriental child?


I ain't no child, I part of your breakfast Mister!!!

Birth!

A Message To Rudy.

Dear Mr. Mittens - greetings from Tokyo! This place is amazing. Seeing the sights, meeting the people, shopping, traveling about, having a blast. Sorry I haven't been there at home to fill your food bowl or, like, change your litter tray or offer you any tactile companionship or anything. Hope you're enjoying this period of having to fend for yourself and survive by your own means in my absence, y'know, like how cats used to live all of those centuries before mankind acknowledged the existence of your inferior species. Hugs and kisses - Mary x x x (ps. hope you're still alive when I return home, as I have bought you a gift and I wouldn't really have a use for it myself if you weren't alive to enjoy it)

Politics

... And that is why the United States will be giving all the resources it can to help in the Haiti relief effort.

Mr. President!

Mr. President one quick question!

Please President Obama!

Yes, yes, I know what you press people really wanna know. You obviously don't really give a fuck about Haiti but please try and pay attention to what I'm saying and ignore the picture of the grumpy Emperor Palpatine looking honky motherfucker behind me.

Fake-Up

Sweetheart, the cake is ready. It's all ready in the oven nice and hot, oh damn! Guess what I forgot?




Seann William Scott!!! I don't have to guess. I can see! What the fuck is wrong with your FACE???

I'm sorry Sweet'ums, darling... I- I- forgot to put any make-up on.

You can fucking say that again!

I'll just go put some on...

Don't bother. I had no idea when I married you that you were so...... Hideous. You are a deceiver! You put all that slap on your ulgy mug and make pretend that you are beautiful and really you're no better looking than a swamp hag.

Darling, please...

Darling please nothing! I want you out! OUT!

What about the cake?

The cake stays here.

ART

Breathtaking isn't it?

Indeed. I don't know if it's the vibrant colors or the amazing attention to detail but it's beautiful.

Yes. Akin to the works of Damien Hirst or Pablo Picasso even.

Breathtaking.

Yes.

I Dream Of Jeans.

Behold! I am Anon of Gah, Genie of Kabul! You have released me from this imposed spell. For this, I grant you a single wish.

Sweet! Let's see ... uh ... I wish for all of my enemies to be mercilessly crushed.

Ooh, you can't wish for people to die. Murder goes against the principle. Plus, y'know, I'm not a miracle worker.

Yes, you are. That's exactly what you are! Also, aren't you supposed to grant three wishes? You're a shitty Genie.

I don't care for these insults. While I cannot provide murder, I can kick your sorry ass.

You would not survive the attempt, pussy.

Mystery Sandwich

Yo Jimmy, this is great, inviting me round here to play some video games and have a sandwich with ya.

No probs Rich.

I mean, ya know, after all that business with me and yo sister.

Hey forget about it man. We're friends.

Yeah. Sorry about, ya know, getting her pregnant and shit.

Yeah, especially since you're married and have Two kids already... And had no intentions of ever leaving your wife for my Sis.

Yeah. But we cool now yeah?

You eaten your sandwich?

Yep.

Now we cool.

Aren't you gonna have a sandwich? They taste awesome!

Of course they do. I made them... With my CUM!

What?

You heard me fucker. You just ate my cum and you loved it.

But... I thought we were friends.

Friends? None of my friends eat cum sandwiches. Oh and another thing, if you ever come near me or my family again, I'm gonna rip out your lungs out and shit in your chest. Now fuck off.

I'll Just Bring Him With Me, No One Will Mind.

Oh, I see you've brought your kid into the office today. Great, the little fucker will be sat there staring at me all goddamned day...

Courting.

Rock Me Amadeus.

Power Up!

Available in HD. Click here to view in YouTube.

Fuck Me Ragged!

Mama Knows Best.

Ooh, be careful! An apple tree will grow inside of you if you swallow any of the seeds.

Really?

Nah, I'm just fucking with you. Any seeds consumed would be passed through your digestive system, where any nutrients would be extracted and resulting waste passed through your poop-poop. Hey, d'ya wanna know how I obtained this old, rusty knife I'm using...? 

A Message From The Kerj.

Yo, yo, yo, Big Daddy K back in this bitch!
I have been away and been super busy working on my weapons of mass destruction etc. Now I is back and ready to make you people out there in Interweb-land laugh? Do you like to laugh? Well you fucking better because that's exactly what you're gonna do.

Peace and Love.
Kerja Relon :)

Sammy & Kyle - Part 1

Okay bro, I got one for ya.

Shoot.

Who is the sexiest woman in the world?

That's easy. Wonder Woman.

No, no, no, I mean sexiest real woman.

Wonder Woman.

Okay, okay, in that case, let me put it to you this way Kyle... Who is the sexiest fictional woman?

Cher.

How come?

She's fake ain't she?

Oh man, High Five for that one bro!

Straddling a cannon. A massive fucking cannon

Turn Back Time, I remember it well.

Wallet-Sized Humans.

Hair Club.

Inside Chad Kroeger.

New video to honour the site's new banner. 

Available in HD. Click here to view in YouTube.

*Edit 19th Jan 2010 : I have removed this video due to the shitty comments I was receiving from some hard core Nickelback fans. Jeez, Nickelback fans are crazy...

Etiquette.

Are We Still At The Bar?

Date With The Night.

I'm just gonna come straight out and tell it like it is. I think you're the bee's knees and I'd like to get with you. Matter of fact, I'd like to take you out on a date this Friday to McDonald's. We can get breakfast, lunch and dinner! No expense spared for my baby, baby.

The Few, The Brave.

Congratulations, cadets. This ceremony concludes your training. You are now members of this nation's armed forces. Myself and my fellow officers are proud of the work and commitment you've proved throughout this period. So... let's see about getting each of you blown up and shot at!

Wheel Of Mystery!

Remedy.

Now Mrs. Adams, the medicine Dr. Smith has prescribed is pretty strong stuff! You'll want to consume precisely seven-nineteenths of a milligram of this stuff every three hours. It'll have no effect if you measure too little, but if you were measure too much, well ... remember what happened to Heath Ledger? Ooh, actually, you have a young daughter just like he did! Wow, it's weird how these situations come back around isn't it?

Market.

Come one, come all! I have tits, shits, dicks and pussy-wussies all in stock at fantastic prices ... oh, and some watermelon.

Fish Cannon.

Give Me SQUIRT!

Available in HD. Click here to view in YouTube.

How'd You Like Them?

Wait a second, this an apple.

What does this mean?

I think it means we're all made of apples. Our test subject is made of apples so I guess we all are. Weird. Wasn't expecting that at all!

Pope Fury.

This video is available in HD, and is best when viewed directly on YouTube. Click here for link.

Mick Donald.

Y2K.

Tech Help.

Hello, 'Tech Help'. Allen speaking, how can I help?

Yeah, hi. I'm making a greetings card to send to my friends over the email. How do I make the red colours I've used in my design to be redder? Like, can you show me how?

Ok. You can adjust the contrast and brightness of your screen by using the dials on the monitor unit. If you're still not happy, you can choose a different red in the palette or 'colour picker' of the software you're using.

No, that's way too complicated. I need you to show me here on screen ... or like, do it for me.

I'm not really able to show you on screen, as we're not in the same room ... and we're a telephone advice line, we don't make home visits.

Well that's bullshit! I'm paying for this service. Sort my problem right here, right now.

I've already offered two viable solutions to your problem, and I've explained that we aren't able to make home visits.

Pfft!* You know what?! Fuck your service! You know what else? I'm going to sort this shit out myself, and when I'm finished I'm going to make a one-off greetings card and email it especially to you ... but ... it's going to be completely bad-ass and fucked-up, and the message is going to be mephitic and written entirely in upper case letters. I think you'll find this will have you bounding off your oh-so high and mighty horse, Mister Useless!

GTFO.

Mysteries Of The Tropics.

Hello readers, subscribers and lurkers. We went away for a bit of a winter hiatus. We're back now ... well, at least I am ... and normal service will resume.

This post is a response to the whopping 133 emails I have received from you peoples asking about our sudden disappearance and whether we'd be back. The answer is yes. I have used the better part of an hour replying to those emails, and figured it was good custom to do this post with a general message.

We have fans, who knew?