The Wilbrahams On Gays

Nope! Competely out of order are those gays.

My husband; Reginald doesn't approve of their lifestyle choice.

No Hoslin, I certainly do not! I mean, it's disgraceful. Absolutely disgrace.

Yes, I suppose it is. Men kissing each other and sticking their...

Don't say it Hoslin! We get the idea.

I told you before, there is no crime in calling them homosexuals.

Yes, but we don't want to hear you talking about men having hot rampant sex. Not in this house Mrs! Oh God, what have I done? I am a peaceful man... Usually. But when it comes to those... Gays. Well, it gets my blood boiling. I'm not being biased here. I don't care for those lesbian folk niether.

He doesn't. But Ellen DeGeneres is funny.

Yes, in a lesbian kind of way.

And gay men can be very entertaining.

Oh yes? Name one?

Well, how about that Freddy Mercury?

Alright darling, I'll give you that one.

And Elton John.

Yes, yes, okay he is very good.

You have a couple of his CDs.

I said yes Hoslin. Now let's drop it.

Rod Stewart.

I knew he was gay! I told you when he wore those tight leopard skin pants! I said "He's a gay Hoslin." What did I say?

He's not really. I just put him in to throw you off. To prove it doesn't matter what your sexuality is.

How could you? Hoslin, we are going to have a talk about this later... A long talk.

About gays and lesbians?

Possibly.

Our Son; Peter is gay, you know.

Yes, but he's an Shakespearian actor so it doesn't, doesn't count.

Complicated Surgery.

You Pee Yes?

Honey, why the hell are you saddling that tiny horse with my brother's mail delivery sack?

Listen, I would much rather have this tiny horse deliver my mail than your brother. For one, it would leave less piss along our driveway.

So, So Solid.

BoB kANe

Once Upon A Time In Mexico

Okay boys, you know what the peoples want to hear, so let's give it to them.

I no wanna play La Bamba Juan.

Miguel, how many times we gotta go through this... The peoples from abroad, they come to Mexico to hear Mariachi. They come to hear La Bamba. So we play La Bamba. Got it?

No Juan, I no got it. I don't wanna play La Bamba because I'm fucking bored of La Bamba and I wanna play something fucking else. You see?

I don't hear Pedro complaining.

Pedro hates playing La Bamba as much as I do. He's just too frightened of you to say anything. In fact he told me the other day he wanted to play some Sad But True by Metallica.

Really? And is this true Pedro?

......................................................

Pedro, without any fear, any fear at all of me smashing you in the mouth, are you really sick of playing La Bamba.

Well...

Now think about this... Because you might be beaten to death by a thug in an alleyway one night or your sister might get raped while coming home from the Library or your mother might have her home burnt to the ground by gangs. There is a million and one things that could ruin you or your family's lives with the answer your about to give.

Well... Since you put it like that. I like playing La Bamba.

See, Pedro loves playing La Bamba.

I didn't say that.

Close enough. So we settled now Miguel?

Yeah, we're settled Juan. But I just want you to know you're a fucking sonofabitch and I wish you were dead, you bastard.

Good, now La Bamba it is! From the top!

50's Magnificence!

TAKE THAT HONDO!!! Feel the wrath of my debilitating ray!!! I, Captain Magnanimous will not let you leave this galaxy with the kind Princessa and your own front teeth, you dirty rotten bastard!!! Yes Hondo, I think you're a bastard and if you don't like my words come out here and lick my nebula boots!!!

Strange Tales

This is Curtis Strange. He is like many men in his Twenties. He is lazy, scruffy and most importantly unclean. But one thing distinguishes him from the other men his age and that is his inability to let go of the past. The past of musical technology, that is. Yes, Curtis can seen walking down the street where he lives in NYC with his trusty Sony Discman. Let's talk with this interesting and rather smelly individual...

Curtis, why have you refused to accept new technology such as the ipod or other such MP3 based products?

Hey man, I don't wanna hear ipod or MP3 again. To me, those are dirty words. People who embrace all this new computer stuff are ladies vaginas. They are complete cun-

Yes, yes, but you must realise that you look a little silly walking down the street holding a cd player.

Who are you? The fashion police? Without CD there would be NO MP3! Don't dis the CD man. CD has been like a half-brother to me. Don't you dis him.

Ah sorry, I meant no disrespect to you brother.

Half brother man! HALF!!!

Quite. Where were we, oh yes... Okay, well what about when you want to change album?

I just pop another CD in jerk.

Yes, but it's a lot of fiddling around when you can just change album at a touch of a button with an ipod-

(PRINCE IS GOING OUT ONTO THE STOOP TO PLAY HIS GUITAR... REPEAT- PRINCE IS GOING OUT ON THE STOOP TO PLAY HIS GUITAR...)

What was that over the klaxon?

Shit man, I gotta go inside!

But why?

Didn't you hear it man? Prince is going outside to play his guitar! I have to return to my home!

(PRINCE IS GOING OUT ONTO THE STOOP TO PLAY HIS GUITAR... REPEAT - PRINCE IS GOING OUT ON THE STOOP TO PLAY HIS GUITAR...)

But why?....

Balloon Phobia.

Scenic Dongbollock Canyon River.

Pig Dance.

DJ Eddie Munstar.

Waffles!

Hey son, whoa! That is one hell of a stack of waffles you have there! Are you going to eat that whole stack for breakfast right now?!

I sure am!

I'm very impress- whoa, wait! There's no syrup on any of those things. You're telling me that you're going to eat that entire tower of waffles without any kind of syrup or glazing? What the hell is wrong with you?! I'm sending you to boarding school, boy ... at least until you're un-fucked in the head.

Islanders.

Ice Cream Man.

The Legend Of The 'Sk8ter Boi'.

Japanese Blood Pressure Ad.

Clarence Brigadoon

Oi Whitey! Yeah, I'm talking to you. You think Mr. T is bad? Sucker ain't got shit on me. I'm not just an angry black man... I'm an angry corporate black man which makes me dangerous and not in a Michael Jackson way neither. I'm dangerous in a "I'll fuck you dead" way. You understand fool? My nephew; Tyrone, he asks me the other day "Uncle Mountain," that's what he calls me because he respects my ass, he say "Uncle Mountain, why you so big and tough?" I look the little shrimp in the eyeball and I reply "'Cause I got a spoon and I'm gonna eat a big pot of jam!". I ain't seen Tyrone since cause he scared. And he has a right to be scared cause I'm a scary man. And I'm not just a scary man... I'm a scary black man.

From Sea To Shining Sea

Hoy hoy paloy! What do I spy with my little eye in the sky? Ooo, a woman cooking something in an oven. Perhaps she's cooking crack cocaine. Perhaps she's cooking beef stroganoff. Perhaps I could go over there and pull up her dress and fu-

(Oh Richard!)

Yes dear. I'm be there in a moment.

(What are you doing up there...?)

Just putting my chess set straight. You know how I hate a mess chess set.

(Come down here.)

In just a second. Ooo... What's this? A youth eh? And he's wearing a hoodie. Probably just come back from mugging someone so he can buy video games and bottles of cider. Frosty Jacks I'm betting.

(Richard!!!)

Yes!!! For Christ's sake yes! I'm coming, you bleeding reefer addict. My mistress always ruins my telescopic fun. God, I miss sex offending.

P.W.B (People Who Barbeque)

Thanks for inviting me to this shindig Katie.

I didn't invite you. You just showed up.

Yeah, yeah, well here's to you cunt. This barbeque was great, just fucking great.

Oh Roger, you have such a way with words.

Fucking-A I do!

I was being sarcastic you horrible man.

I know. You bitch!

Ammudisiac

Cap'n Nemo

Oh fuck yes, I see what you mean now.

Captain. it's so big!

I can see that.

Will it eat us alive?

Don't be silly lad, it's only a massive book. Nothing to worry about. Unless you boys can't read that is.

No Captain, we're talking about the giant fucking squid outside the window!!!

Oh right. Yes... That is rather big... I suppose.

Sock Monkey.

In HD where available.

The Jack Black Institute For Children.

Sports

What are you gorking at son. I'm your new 18th century basketball coach. And yes, I do look like Kevin Klein before say anything.

Must Be The Bubbles

Take a look at these sales figures.

Yes?

They're shit! Seems Jimmy Freckles on the street ain't eating his Aero bars no more. He must be too interested in drugs and alcopops these days.

I don't think it's that.

What then? SPEAK!!!

Hey, no need to shout.

But I'm angry. Angry this company is going down the pan because these bastard kids aren't eating their chocolate bars!

We need new flavours.

We do!

Mint is too boring.

And the chocolate version of Aero just tastes like what it is. Cheap candy.

What about the orange one?

Do they still make that one?

Don't think so.

We need a new exotic flavour.

Something with spice.

Gentlemen and ladies, I got a new flavour you can all try.

What's that Bill?

It's called the "go suck my dick because I fucking quit" flavour.

What kind of flavour is that?

Ask Wendy, she suck a lot of dick.

How dare you!!!

Well you do.

Cable Guy

Choosing for us to go up in this cablecar was a great idea Wilfred.

Don't I know it. Look at that astounding view! It's just magical!

I'd rather not.

Oh really? But there's so much to see, with your eyes!!!

Just one thing?

Good heavens woman, come out with it, before mein eyes are distracted by this fabulous panorama!

WILFRED!!!

What on earth's the matter dear? You don't seem to be enjoying.

I don't wanna look at the view!!! I'm terrified of heights!!!

I know.

So why did you arrange a ride on a cablecar?

Because dear, I don't like the way your hair's cut, you look like a man and if I give you a kiss I don't want people thinking I'm kissing a bloke. I'm not a gay you know.

So why didn't you just explain that to me instead of doing this?

Oh, because it was just going that way I guess. Besides, you said this was a great idea.

I lied okay?!

Yes, yes, hush now while we take in this spectacular view.

I hate you for this Wilfred.

And I love you too Cablecar.

Purple Hills.

Dandy Ads.

Wiffery.

Mother, why does my stupid, little brother have to watch me bake?

Well, I'm preparing you for a lifetime of shitty housewifery. Your brother is required to sit there and criticise your every move, including the results of your many hours of baking - regardless of any genuine quality of the final product.

Destructobot.

Docu-Mentary.

In glorious HD, where available.

Born Survivor

Hello my little friend. Ahhh, aren't you a cute little chipmunk.

Oh, you have got to be kidding me. Who the fuck are you anyway? Aren't you Bear Grylls?

Ah, not really.

Oh, should of known. Because Bear Grylls would know a fucking squirrel when he sees one. He's probably eaten one in the past at any rate. So what's your story?

Um, you're talking...

Actually, I'm not talking at all. It's the side effects of a brain haemorrhage, which is what you are currently having.

Oh, thank God for that.

Queen Of The Lice Kingdom.

Mother, will -

Hush! Remain perfectly still. Mother needs to return the lice in your hair to her pussy.

Exorcist Porn.

School's Out.