You Broke Christmas.

Look what you've done! Look! You went ahead and broke it even after I warned you before we set off this morning. You broke Christmas. You cunt.

Enough Is Enough.

World Masterbating Championships.

Firstly, I'd like to welcome you to the World Masterbating Championships. It's always good to see fresh, new talent such as yourself competing at the highest level. Sadly, your last round didn't offer all that much. Too much grinding, too few unexpected moves, and no consistency in the facial expressions. I'd have to give you a poor 5.5. Sandra, what did you think?

Well I'm giving you a strong 8.0, buddy! Now why don't you go ahead and masterbate for me some more please...

Hand It Over Carefully. We Don't Need An Accident, Here...

Carmina Burana

Hey you Keira Knightly looking foxy chick. Nice handbag.

Oh do you like it? It was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

Shit baby, your fine ass went all the way to Mordor?

No silly. I bought it off Ebay.

Gift Horse.

Is this what I think this is? Oh my God, it is! I can't believe you got me this, it's exactly what I wanted! Finally, my very own 'do-it-yourself' Anal Bleaching Kit! You know, it's much smaller than I imagined it would be. Let's see - you get a syringe, some rubber tubing, cotton wipes, a small tube of bleach solution, and an illustrated step-by-step guide. This is the most thoughtful gift anybody has ever given me!

Delivery For Trish an' Deb.

Available in HD.

Online Safety Police.

As Senior Officer of the Online Safety Police, it's my job to show people how to safely surf the internet.

What are some of the safety concerns you teach to people?

Well, I tell them to look in opposite directions before crossing into the internet. Wear reflective clothing ... use safety goggles. Stuff like that.

Cum Baron. Damn! Now I Have To Send A Cheque...

What is it, boy?

Sir, I come baring good news! The copyright papers have been returned. We have successfully licensed the term 'Cum Baron'. We shall receive a substantial royalty payment each time that term is used under any instance.

Very good! Gentlemen, I have a very strong feeling that this new venture will make us hopelessly wealthy!

Go Faster Stripes.

You're getting better at this water walking trick, but, like, you still need to walk a little bit more ... y'know ... lighter ... an' stuff.

Grift Box.

Happy Christmas, daddy!

Oh, what's this? A hand-painted picture of yourself, me and your mother! What a lovely gift! Oh ... but, wait a second ... I gave you twenty pounds for the purpose of you going out and buying me a real Christmas gift ... and I end up with this painting? Did you waste all of my money on this gift box?! Tell you what, you can have the painting back and I'll frame this shitty gift box instead.

How Germany Lost The War.

Take notes.

Cannon Fodder

Ha-de-ha-ha! Take that you Confederate bastards! I'm bringing the American civil war right into the 21st century with a bang bitch!.. Hey, did I just say Take That? Oh shit, no, no. I don't wanna mention that rugged Manchester foursome at a time like this... Or do I?

Hell Fighters

Fuck my Lord.

Look at the size of that snausage!

That's fire and flame Kurt. Not a popular dog treat.

Yeah, yeah, well in my world it's all the same. Hell of a sunburn though?

Yep. Like Danny Day Lewis in-

There Will Be Oil?

Yep, that's the one... Cunt.

Don't Forget Your Toothbrush

Yo bro?

I ain't your bro.

No, no, but you know what I mean, not to be too Ross Kemp or anything like that.

Eastenders.

More like "...On Gangs".

Man he's got balls.

Of steel.

A man of steel?

Ha, ha, Superman. Get a job will ya?

No, no, seriously, what kind of toothbrush do you like to use?

A BIG ONE!!!

Hey man, no need to shout. No I mean what brand of toothbrush do you like to use?

TEE-HEE-HEE-HEETH!!!

Stop being weird.

I use a "Reach" toothbrush...

Cool.

... On your wife!

HEY!!!

Bootpaddle.

Hey Gerry - We had such a great game of bootpaddle going before this group of shitheads turned up and started hollerin’, hootin, gamblin’, drinkin’ and gropin’ the female spectators!

I know! Bootpaddle used to be the sport of Kings, but these obnoxious supporters have completely turned it's once noble name to shit. Oh well, at least there is some good pussy in the crowd nowadays...

Cannon Fodder.

- What are you campaigning, Sir?

- What this campaign is about ... well, it's about love.

Cat Scratch Fever

Man innocently walking down the street singing to himself a Biffy Clyro tune.

#Angels fall to the floor, like they would if I was captain, Silver children she roared, I'm not the# SONOFABITCH! Ow! Something just scratched my fucking head!

It was me.

Hey you! Was it you cat?

Yes, I just said it was me. You got a hearing problem?

No. But why the hell did you just scratch my head like that?

Because one, it's funny and Two, because I don't like you, you long haired geek. You're too fucking... Blond!

Hey, that's a Fight Club quote. You've seen Fight Club?

Well I can talk so is it really that unbelievable that I've seen that film?

I suppose not.

The guy that owns me loves that movie.

Hmm, you know when I woke up this morning, last thing I could have possibly imagined would be this. Me standing here talking to you, a cat.

Yeah, life's funny like that ain't it?

Yeah, I guess it is.

That was a rehetorical question you dolt! I guess blonds really are as dumb as they say.

Hey!

Get you hair cut you fucking hippy or I'll scratch you again! Oh and have a shave too. You scuffy bastard.

Santana Claus.

Listen, son. There isn't a Santa, so stop worrying and get on with your life.

Visualising Your Dreams.

Gentleman Gaga

Damn, they make Lady Gaga in a pill now? What can't they do with science these days? Well, my doctor did prescribe this so I guess it must be safe. Let's just pop one of these babies and see what happens...



I want your love and all your lover's revenge... You and me could write a bad romance... Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh... Caught in a bad romance... Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh.. Caught in a bad romance.

Fuck! That was a trippy. I could see and almost taste Lady Gaga... I think I'm gonna just go throw up now.

Jest Drive.

- Hey mister, could I take a test drive in that car?

- Sure thing, buddy! Elephant's just taking a bath, though. We'll go as soon as he's finished up.

B.O. Box.

Listen up kids, I cannot be fucked to deliver the rest of these letters. So, here, take 'em! I can now go back to the depot and tell my boss that these 'freaky-lookin' black kids robbed me of my delivery', and he'll give me the next two months off of work with pay!

Good-Bye, England's Rose...

In true 1080i wherever playback is available. This level of sophisticated technology was completely necessary for a video of this quality...

Bob Carolgees: A Life In Comedy

Good evening and welcome to this tribute to Bob Carolgees who sadly passed away from a puppet related fatality. He was a beloved star of TV, a presenter, comic legend, right wing entertainer and author of the Neo-Christian novel; Godhelm: The Book Of God's Almighty Justice. A book that was publicly criticised for it's dennouncement of gays. Carolgees is survived by his wife Carol Carolgees and son Michael Carolgees. Otherwise known as lottery millionaire Michael Caroll. I have him with us at this time.

Michael, can you tell me why no one even knew the infamous Michael Caroll was Bob Carolgees' son?




Because I didn't want to be associated with him. I dropped "gees" off the end of my name because gees reminds me of Bee Gees. I hate the bleeding Bee Gees.

Let's talk about your father's faithful dog Spit.

Oh him. Sadly Spit was put down shortly following my father's death. He won't be joining us at this time... Or ever. Can you believe my Dad wanted me to go into showbiz too, like him. I couldn't have done that for a living so decided to go on the social instead.

That is sad news. How is your mother taking all this? Is Carol your real mother?

Yeah and No.

And by that you mean?

She is my biological mother but the sea has always felt like my true mother.

Oh were you a sailor?

No. I just feel a kinship with the briny deep.

Getting back to your father. Let's talk about his carrer and little. He was much loved by the public and appeared on the royal variety performance numerous times. But I think it was his darker times when he went "gay for pay" to pay the bills that we are interested in.

The movies were called Anus Antics and Jam Defender. They both starred my Dad; Bob and "Spunk" the dog. Ulgh! Look out for the close-up/long shot of my Dad ram raiding a backwards/reverse puss. Minging!

It sounds as though you are very bitter about it.

Wouldn't you be? For years I called myself Dorothy Paler purely because I was ashamed of the Carolgees name and what it was synonymous with.

And that was?

Dicks up men's arses! Infact, it even became a gay term in the gay community. Giving him a right "Carolgees". You know how that makes me feel? Sick! If it hadn't been for all that wonderful money those lottery bastards gave me I don't know how I'd have survived.

Michael? Do you love?

Never. Purely by heavy rain.

I understand. I guess in the end you could say Bob Carolgees wasn't just a goofy cunt with a moustache and a puppet dog. No, he was something much, much more. He was me, he was you. He was our mother, our sister and our cousin. He was Bob... And always will be.

BOB CAROLGEES
1948-2009

Fuck's Brought This On?

Huh?

Watch it before the dicks in charge of YouTube remove it.

Mock ... YEAH! ... ing ... YEAH! ... bird ... YEAH!

This is bullshit! How come you get to partner up with your super-smart siamese twin brother, and I have to partner with this stupid mockingbird? Incidentally, I get the only silent mockingbird in the entire history of the damn species! Matter of fact, I have a great idea! Hey, Chan - How about you come and pair up with me for a few games? I'll totally make it worth your while. I'll give you a dozen silver coins for each game we win, and I'll put in a good word with Doctor Russell at the private clinic to see about getting you sawn apart from your stupid, greedy twin brother...

Motorboatin'.

Not Gun To.

Not available in HD - I really couldn't be bothered to sit and wait for that to happen.

Surfin'.

- What are you doing?

- I'm checking my SEA-Mails. Do you see what I did there?

- Seriously? All that build up for a shitty pun?

- No, not quite. I'm just getting warmed up before I ram my cock through the hole that I poked into the 'computer tower' over there...

Talking Feesh.

Downfall.

For Jayson.

The Butterfield Detective Agency.

Mental Note No.3

The British Imperial Occupation Of India.

Please, would you spare us some bread? We surrender. Our whole village is starving...

Oh, shoot! For sure, man. We've got tons of bread at the camp. You guys should've just said you were hungry! I mean, our regiment has been stationed here for, what, a month now? We noticed you guys were kinda wastin' away and everything ... and like, I asked my buddy Drew over there the other day; "Dude, do you think those villagers whose village we're totally occupying the shit out of, are, like, starving?" ... and Drew was all like; "Nah, they're foreigners, they have a totally different metabolism to us, you know, because they don't have any McDonald's or, like, hot dogs and shit. They eat that natural, organic shit over here. Either that, or, like, they're religious or something". I was like; "Drew, that's pretty racist. But, like, I see what you're saying. They do things differently over here". So yeah, you should'a just said something sooner. Y'all want some, like, bacon as well? I mean, bread is kinda boring on it's own.

Snowballs.

Lavender McDave

Who is that down there? Oh Lavender my boy. What are you doing here at this time of night?

Old Grey Beard, I just can't stop thinking about that story you told me.

Which one pray tell?

The one which had a mountain and a wolf in it.

They all had mountains and wolves in them.

The one with the beautiful girl in the red hood.

Oh, you mean the one where the wolf eats her Grandma?

YES! That's the one.

I told you that story when you were five.

I know. I want you to tell it to me again.

That was Twenty some years ago my boy. I've done a lot of unchristian magic since then. My memory isn't what it used to be you know.

But Grey Beard, pleeeeease. The story touched my heart so.

Oh, alright... But first touch my hair.

Nigra Parsons

Oh my God, after all these months waiting to come onto this show. I am finally here and opening my first box which will change this contestant's life forever.

So what's in the box Parsons?

I'm getting to that ya sock stiffing, lady-boy fucking, Grandma kissing, honky bastard! I just want to savor this moment.

Dude, Noel looks like he's starting to lose his patience.

Let him. If Noel touches a brother like me, he'll be in the law courts. Now shout up whitey and let me enjoy this shiz.

But dude...

Shut up whatever the hell your name is. Like anyone cares. I can just as well call you bitch.

Now be nice Parsons.

NO! You fucking be nice and I'll enjoy Deal Or No Deal right? Noel, you can stop looking at me with that stupid face too because I'll sue your ass for racism. What this game needs is some BLACK ACTION and that's what I plan on giving the people at home. Some good old fashioned Black Action. More bang for their bucks. They pay their TV licences don't they? BBC makes them fork out their hard earned money to watch TV even though no one even likes or watches fucking BBC channels. They all shit anyways. No, folks tune in to see Channel 4 shows like this one. One of the best. Now I'm ready to give the folks watching at home what they wanna see and that's a 1p box and a dutty great homosexual kiss.

Mental Note.

Insultana.

Don't Stand So Close To Me.

Fairy Soft Hands.

Potato Water.

Can't A Ninja Get A Break?

Cheryl Meets Her Maker

Why aye man.

WHY AYE?

Who are you mate?

I AM GOD.

Oh God no, am I dead like?

NO.

Then why am I here then?

BECAUSE I WILLED IT TO BE.

I need to get back to me X-Factor boys and-

X-FACTOR MEANS NOTHING. YOU WILL STAY WHERE YOU ARE COLE.

Reet, reet man. I'll stay just here for the minute like.

YOU ARE A FAKE CHERYL COLE.

What?

YOU ARE THE DARLING OF SATURDAY NIGHT TELEVISION BUT YOU ARE FAKE.

What'd you mean God?

I MEAN YOU ARE NOT JUST A HYPOCRITE AND A MATERIALISTIC WAG. YOU ARE A COPYCAT.

No, no God, that was like a big misundertanding.

NO COLE IT WASN'T. I WAS THERE WHEN YOU SET ABOUT WRITING THE SONG: FIGHT FOR THIS LOVE. I AM EVERYWHERE.

Well it's not as it seems.

YES IT IS.

I had no idea it sounded just like the Kelis song.

YES YOU DID.

I'd never even heard that Lil Star song.

YES YOU HAD.

Okay, so what if I had? So what if I ripped it off? No one likes Kelis anyway.

I LIKE KELIS. I LOVE KELIS. AS I LOVE ALL MY CHILDREN.

Even me?

NO, NOT YOU.

Fair dues. Can I go now?

YES. FOR NOW... AND TELL SIMON COWELL I'LL BE SEEING HIM REAL SOON.

The Doctor Will See You Now

My name is John Doctor. And I am just living my life. This woman beside me is my doctor and personal wife; Mareet. Before this operation begins allow me to tell you a bit about myself. My name is John. I am a doctor. I was born in the year of the clair de lune some years in the past under a cloud of myxomatosis. I was brought to my parents; Robert and Randalf from the black woods of Eldor by an old hag with six words for them. "Keep the child, keep the promise". My parents of course didn't understand this, they were gay after all, and like so, they were dead by the time I was fifteen. I took a court scholarship with Frankfurt medical, which is a teaching hospital/school/brothel.

Eight glorious years went by where I would date many women, fuck, date, fuck, date and so on. There was so much banging. There were some drunken moments and smashed windows inbetween but as I said, I'm just living my life. Then I met my lovely Mareet while helping out under the Idi Amin administration. Good times those. And now I am head of medicine here and I keep it scotching. Scotching, f'scotching, f'scotching, f'scotching. And so, here we are and there you are and we are going to take you down to theatre in a few moments after I finish my big old dirty blowie from Mareet here. She's quite the clockstopper aren't you Mareet? Oooooo, yes she is. Waaaay!

Hark! A Sea Captain.

Available in HD.

The Twilight Fans Messageboard, Circa 1887.

Crisi-tunity!

Ain't No Party Like A Fred Phelps Party.

Just Let Me Know When He's Finished.

Mr. Plough.

Benders.

Cat Dream.

Thunder Biker!

There Is No 'Tool' In This Pool.