Susan Boyle Takes A Shower

Thursday, 30th April, 2009

Oh Billy Bunter what do we have here. It's Britain's Got Talent star; Susan Boyle.

It seems from this pictogram that Ms. Boyle enjoys to walk or at least has to walk at some periods of the day. Wonderful memories still in the nation's mind of her performance of "I Dreamed a Dream" from the fuck-off musical Les Misérables as she walks down the road using only her feet and legs for support. We at, said local newspaper, approve of Ms. Boyle's decision to walk down the street. It was reported today that Ms. Boyle even took a shower this morning before leaving her home in Blackburn, West Lothian, Scotland where she lives. That's right, Susan Boyle took a shower. Although Ms. Boyle has done the best to spruce up her image and shake off her "mannish" look it is said she still can't stop some of her masculine ways such as using Lynx Instinct shower gel and wearing men's socks with "Mine's a pint" and other phrases on them. It is said that Susan was heard in the shower singing a arousing rendition of "I know him so well" from the musical Chess which brought tears to a passer by who heard it. "It were like magic, so it was." Mr. Kent Butler was quoted as saying. Yes, it looks like Susan Boyle will take more showers before going up against the best that Britain has to offer (namely DJ Talent) as the programme Britain's Got Talent continues to wow and amaze us... Entirely.

Bridge Maintenance Schedule.

10:45am ~ Gloss the south pillar.

11:15am ~ Obtain the information gathered from the weather station at the top of the north end.

11:48am ~ Take a massive piss on the passing cars.

Rental Store.

Hey, this is weird. None of these videos have cover sleeves.

Mother, can we rent this video?

Ah yes, 'White Cover With Blue Casing'. Great choice!

Titty Camp.

Fighting For The Rights Of Every Man.

Eat Up!

You Only Get One Shot.

Craftsman.

(Not available in HD)

British Transport Police.

Sauna Cabin.

Mimicry.

Whicker's World 2009

Hello and welcome to Whicker's World with me, Alan Whicker. On today's show I'm in the great Orient where I'll be meeting some of it's inhabitants and chatting with the founder of this continents favourite food. But first I travelled to the Mongo River to meet the Mountain Man who protects the local village from a great evil. Let's take a look at the interview he gave me a few days ago.


MUNGO SEGMENT BEGIN

Hello again, yes, I'm Alan Whicker and I'm here at the Campara Village that nests just West of the Mongo River. As you can see behind me, the River is indeed beautiful, but deadly. At least Five Campara younglings are lost to the River each year. You may remember the Mongo mentioned on ITN and BBC news broadcasts in 2006, when an Australian woman went missing in this area. Her body was later found at the bottom of a waterfall, of which this River has Two. I'm now joined by the man who not only protects the Village near here but also the great Mongo itself. I'd like to introduce to you the "Grie' Martarno" which roughly translated means "Man Mountain Protector". I'd like to start by saying how privaliged I am to speak with you.

Nerrbutt.

Yes. You are a big lad aren't you. As you can see, the Protector is at least, I'd say 7'4 tall is very well built. I like your beard.

Corbadden

Ah, yes. Ah, may I ask you a few questions Sir?

Yeeeeeeeeeava.

I've just been told that means yes. So can you tell me of what great evil you protect the village?

Kenpano. Ma'bet Meeeee. Car'tr'bran. Ja'ja'ker Gid, Tred.

He says; The evils of the world in general. But mainly paedophiles. Hmm...Interesting.

END SEGMENT

So as you can see, The Orient isn't a place to just lose your wallet. Right now I'm in the nation's capital, where I'm up top the Kanvanis Skyworld which is Asia's tallest building, enjoying a cocktail which is green and tastes like sugar. Alan Sugar. At this time I'm happy to be joined by a man who has changed the face of snack foods, well, for all of us. The revolutionary soy bean is being enjoyed all over the world. Even the Third world. This is dried and salted (at times) and packaged as a healthy snack for companies as established as Marks & Spencers. I am very pleased to welcome the founder and host of the Edamame bean; Edward Edamame.

Thank you for coming to my precious home. Yes of course, it is happy for us all to be joining with oneselves. And of all oneselves I am indeed happy to be joining with yourselves Alan Whickhard.

It's Whicker.

Yes. I am of great apology to that fact Sir Whicker.

I just don't believe what an empire you have created. Is it true you started as a humble bean farmer?

Ah yes. In my Uncle's yard. We would weed his garden for Two Grogs and walk his dog twice a day... Before he was shot.

Your Uncle was shot?

No. The dog.

My word, how did that happen?

There was a dispute.

But-

DISPUTE!!! I am sorry. My raised voice may have alamed you so. For this I am again apologising. But yes, I bought my own patch of dirt at Five-teen for Ten Grogs and began growing beans.

How did you create the famous and beloved Edamame Bean?

It was a freak accident! An accident! I had to abandon my evening bean farming and hurry into the house from the rain one August night, the air was charged. I knew
something was about happen. And it did. I was crushed as I watched a lightning bolt hit my precious bean crop. But the morning after I went out, everything had changed.
The soil was different. The crop may have been destroyed but out of the soil grew a new crop. A crop of soy beans. The Edamame bean. I then took the bean to market and it was a hit with the locals. A company from America heard about my beans and offered me a substantial sum for distribution rights etc. I then took my new found fortune and destroyed my Uncle. As I said before it was a disbute. Nothing more. And in 1999 work commenced on the Kanvanis Skyworld, my personal haven.

Oh dear well. All that and beans. Must have been an rush?

The rush came when I stood over my Uncle and looked into his cold, dead eyes.

Thank you Ed Edamame. It was been amazing here at your Skyworld Resort And Casino.

It was an amazing to be pleasured with you Sir Alan Whicker.

Yes... Well that's about all the time we have for this week. Please join me next week when I will be in The Americas finding out the truth about the dreaded conquistadores. Good-Bye for now.

Cum In My Colostomy Bag : Vol 3.

I'm having my heart checked at the hospital today. This has got the makings of a fantastic porno...

Swine On The Seats. 24's On The Feets.

Blogger.

Bad Boyz 4 Life

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... MR. BAD-BAD-BA-BA-BA-BAD BOY... BOBBY-BOBBY-BOB-BOB-BOB-BOBBY-BOBBY... BROWN!!!

Uh-huh yeeeah. C'mon now, yeeah. WHA??? WHAT??? You ain't never seen a nigga wit' a baseball bat aimin' where's your head at!!! Cuz sucka, if you eyeball me one more time, one more fuckin' time and I will knock yo head clean off yo shoulders punk!!! I'm a fuckin' maniac man!!! I can't tell a brother enough!!! Someone listen to me for a minute. No one wants to take a brother's photo no mo'. Oh yeeeah, when I be wit dat biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiatch; Whitney every nigga wanna know my ass and now? Can't even get stopped fo' a signature. Well I've had enough!!! I've got this baseball bat now and I'm gonna bust some fuckin' heads and tear this city apart cuz that's my prerogative!!!

Who Loves Ya Baby?

SO WOULD I!!!

The War In Colour

June 6, 1944

Captain Johnson?!

Take that! You German bastards!!!

Captain?!!!

What is it kid? Can't you see I'm busy wiping out Nazi scum?

But Captain, look!!!

What is it, the Luftwaffe? Please, don't give me anymore bad news. Our men are getting slaughtered out here on these beaches. I just couldn't take anymore bad news.

But Captain, it's going to be okay. Mr. Churchhill has sent in the Lord Of The Rings Trilogy!!!

Abridged or Unabridged?

By the looks of 'em, unabridged Sir.

Thank fuck for that!

A Mother's Love

Oh my wonderful child, you truly are a gift from Heaven and a blessing to my life. I must call you something that befits a gorgeous child like yourself. My dear Starlight Crystal Gale. No, no, that doesn't really do it for me, it's too hippy-ish. How about... Max. No, it's far too short and frankly boring for my taste. Hmm... How's about William? No, no your father would never allow me to name you after my Dad. He hates your Granddad, yes he does. He's a big mean old daddy. Let's see... Oh hell, I know. I don't know why I didn't think of it before. We'll call you after my favourite handbag; Prada. It's either that or we're calling you Obama. Your choice.

Alextown Inland District Sports.

Uh, Jim ... we're gonna have to do something about the name of this damn team.

Blessed's Pizza.

Good evening, Blessed's Pizza. Brian Blessed speaking, how can I help?



Yeah, hi. I want a great, big, greasy pizza covered in jam. Oh, hold on a sec, what did you want on the pizza?

Jam.

Yeah, just baste the thing in jam.

The Protests Of Marseille, 1927.

Caravan Tales

A holly jolly day like this makes me proud. The sun's out, the sky is blue and the road is sprawling out in front of me. Yep, that's my idea of Heaven. The open road and my caravan. Some peoples hate the caravaner. Not me. I am a caravaner and there are a lot of my kind in Britain. Nay, the vorld! Sorry, I just spoke that last word as if I were a German man and I assure you I am not! I'm your average English bloke who enjoys his footie, like his lad mags and goes to Spain every year to burn in the sun. I love my caravan most of all and I think it loves me. I don't know. I've never asked it and to be honest, if I did, it would seem rather odd if I did. But the truth is I'm frightened that if I did ask if it loves me it may answer "no". And I can't take that kind of rejection.

My wife thinks the caravan is proper good too. My wife had been with Five men, sexually I mean, before she met me and we married Eight years ago. We took a little excursion the other month to Cromer. On the way there, there was this bastard of a driver in his bloody Land Rover up our ass, beeping his horn and trying to overtake us for miles. I really hate those kind of people. Why can't they accept caravans on the road. Yes they are slow, but what's wrong with slow? Anyway back to Cromer. Nice there. We both really loved it there. It reminded us of Great Yarmouth. Me and the Mrs are big fans of Yarmouth, big fans. We love it! Is there anywhere better than Great Yarmouth? I don't think so but Cromer comes a close second. We are hoping to visit Hemsby later this summer. I've heard it's lovely here. Sometimes I think I'm wasting my life and then my wife reminds me to take my meds and I'm fine... With absolutely everything.

Egyptian Sailors

I've had enough!

Of what Siad?

Of all this seafaring bullshit.

But why Siad? We have been enjoying life on the open seas for many years now.

Well I'm sick of it. I'd rather take work like my father. Washing the Pyamids by moonlight.

Yeah, well you tried that Siad. Remember? You thought it was boring and shit as fuck.

I did? Oh yeah... I did. Oh well. Let's head back to sea in that case for more bumming!

Sir Thomas Henry In: Cathma

No Sir! I protest! There is no need for this course of action I assure you! I don't, nor have ever suffered from the respiratory condition Asthma. I really don't need treatment for this non existing condition with an asthma inhaler. For Christ's sake! I'm a cat!!! I don't have asthma so stop this at once and leave me alone before I scratch out your fucking eyes!!!

Henry VIII.

Bass Boat.

All aboard the 'Bass Boat'! A long weekend of some serious bass fishing starts here, Earl! Are you ready for th ... whoa, Earl. You're naked. What's that about? Why the hell are you naked?

Shut up, you idiot. This is only the 'Bass Boat' on the second weekend of every month. The rest of the time it's the 'Scroat Boat'...

Teenage Runaway!

Here Lied, By J. Sparks.

Sheena.

Chinaman.

Irrigation.

Whoa, the green light is on - I've totally got my old camera working! Hurry and stick your beak into the cup and drink that shit up through your nose. You've got two cups to work from, dude ... and like, I swiped a wad of those paper napkins from the dispenser in case you fuck up. That shitty brown tea is probably cold as hell now it's taken so long to get the damn camera going. You don't got to worry about burning the shit out of your nose.

Ghost And The Darkness

Ubasa, you come to me, your beloved wife of many years, mother of your six children, Kampa, Goldraine, Jandere, Habin, Raba and little Snoop Dog and you tell me you want to leave this wonderful life you have with us here in Uganda and go to America. Is that right?

That is correct.

You want to leave me and the children and go to America to make new life on your own? Is that right?

Yes. After watching much television and the MTV, I wish to go to America and become a rapper. I want the life of a music star such as Jay Z or your Akon.

Ubasa you are insane and I want you to stop this silliness and go out back and milk the goat.

Yes dear.

MiKe PaTToN's liBERation

Fuck man! I'm minding my own fucking business, riding in my hearse on the way to a funeral, like I do most days, which I enjoy. But lately, lately I keep getting these stupid fucking text messages from this stupid fucking woman. She keeps on and on about fucking asthma or some shit saying she's still cool and I'm still cool even though I got asthma too. Wha? I don't got asthma. What the fuck is this bitch smoking? Why she keeps texting me is mystery to me. How the fuck did this crazy bitch get my number anyways? Athma doesn't rock. Asthma fucking sucks and so do the people that suffer from it. You like that? Take that with ya and keep it!

Asthma Rocks!!!

Hey dudes! I'm one of the coolest chicks on the block man and I've also got asthma. Yeah, that's right, I've got asthma. I know some people think it's uncool to have a breathing problem but me, it's all cool. I take my inhaler everywhere man, like a fucking badge of honor. Yeah, of course I have problems sometimes with my breathing and get an asthma attack but that doesn't make me a bad person. I have as much right to "cool" as any other able breathing person. I listen to Black Sabbath and Papa Roach, hell I even got a boyfriend in a wheelchair AND his hair is blue. We go to rock concerts most weekends and do all the festivals so when you see a kid wheezing away don't give him shit and call him a retard or a loser lung cuz that kid could be the next Mike Patton. Said.

Kickin' It In The Bog Episode VII: Cack To The Future

Gandolini's soul! What a whopper that was. Felt like a pound coin up my arse or maybe a hard pebble. Gave me a hell of a sting of rejection as it passed by my hole ring and plopped into the toilet bowl. But it's gone. It's for the sewage people to deal with now. It's good to be back at the Toilet Commission. I've been away from the commission for a couple of months. I had some plastic surgery. Oh no, not on my face or tummy tuck or whatnot. No, not me. I had some done on my colon. It was looking a little old and saggy, so I thought I'd just have a little nip and tuck, here and there, you know, to make it more presentable. And I have to say, I'm very pleased with the results. Now come on, be honest, don't I look better for it?

Things haven't been right, here at Toilet Commission HQ lately. It appears the govenment has decided to appoint a new director of T.C. He's a young chap by the name Peter Gobbles. He's only been director for five minutes and the boys down here have already got a nickname for him. Don't laugh but they call him Peter Shit Eater. On account of his last name being Gobbles. I like the nickname. It suits him because he does talk a lot of shit. Little upstart called me into his office yesterday and said to me "We, at the Toilet Commission, appreciate all you have done for us over the years Wilbert but isn't it time you retired?" Well, as you can imagine, I was furious. I've worked for the Toilet Commission or T.C as they are calling it these days for Forty years. And believe me, I've seen some shit in that time. But I've never seen a bigger piece of shit than Peter Gobbles. I told him; "With all due respect Sir, forget you!" And I stormed out of his office like a streak of piss. Jumped up little shit.