Tribute.

JACKSON, JACKSON, McJACKSON

First recording of "The Girl Is Mine" for the Thiller album. 1982



#Don't waste your time..... Because the doggone girl is mine... The girl is mine, the girl is mine.#

Michael, we're not going to fight about this okay?

Paul, I think I told you, I'm a lover, not a fighter.

Well Michael, I am a fighter and I told you, the girl is MINE!!!

Hey Paul, calm down man-

NO MICHAEL!!! YOU CALM DOWN!!!

Hey Paul, it's just a song okay?

No Michael!!! IT'S MY LIFE!!! That girl meant everything to me and you went and took her away like a fucking thief in the night!!! I HATE YOU MICHAEL!!!

*Hello guys? This is Ricky in the recording booth. Listen guys... Just calm down.*

Ricky, don't talk to me. Macca is the one having the hissy fit man.

*Michael, this material isn't going to be of any use. Unless you want a track on your Thiller album where Paul McCartney is swearing and threating you.*

No Rick, we're gonna have to start it all over.

Michael, she told me that I'm her forever lover, you know. Don't you remember?

You can stop with the pretend now Paul. Your outburst has ruined the track.

Michael, I just don't know what came over me.

Forget it Paul. The track is ruined. It's done. Forget about it. I'm going to do it with someone else. Someone who won't take the song so seriously. Someone with less of a temper too.

You mean like Diana Ross?

Possibly.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT!!! Mine, mine.... The girl is mine, mine, mine. All mine, she mine, mine, mine, mine. Mine, mine, mine.

Just stop it Paul. You're scaring me now.

Michael, how can I make it up to you?

Give me all the rights to the Beatles songs.

You got it.

---

Present Day. 2009



Shit, why did I ever agree to that. Heather Mills was right. I am a fuck off.

They Call Him Finlay.

Chabba, chabba, wossname crocks. This air outside is making me dizzy with excitement. I'd rather the safer, smoke filled air inside my office. I don't like children. That's no secret. Saw one the other day. Can't stand them at all. Living in this year is making me itch a little. In fact, sitting on my portly arse all day, counting money makes it itch a bit. Itchy arsehole. THEN ITCH THAT BITCH... Is what I'd shout if I was a madman who had just been released from one of those lunatic asylums. But instead I'd say watch out for Jack The Ripper being that it's 1888. Especially if you're a whore. But especially if I've been one of the police's main suspects. See you later on. I've just got to go make a killing... In the monetary sense of course. Yes, a real good murder...

Got's To Look Paid.

What do you think? Should I go for the left one, or the one on right? I just cannot make my mind up.

Ok, well where are you going? What kind of event or function will you be wearing either one of these dresses to?

I'm getting an abortion. Got to look good for my abortion.

Oh. In that case, the one on the right makes you look less like a murderer.

Window Lovers

Oh Ming, I love you... You do know that right?

Of course Kwan.

It was a great idea, us moving out here to Hong Kong. The views are lovely of the city and we even have some countryside with this windowbox.

I love flowers.

I know you do. It's at times like these that I'm glad we decided to form a union.

What do you mean?

I mean, I'm glad that you and I got together to become sexual partners.

And friends.

Yes. That is why you are now my property and we will always be together... Forever.
And I do mean forver. Like when we die we will be ghosts together in our Buddhist heaven. With Lord Buddha o' course.

Wha?

And if you ever decide to break up with me, or even sleep with another human male I will take you by your beautiful black hair and throw you directly through this window into the dirty scum ridden streets below.

I love you Kwan.

Yes.

Very Tiny Glass.

Jesus, Dominic! You're totally holding that glass like a homo! What's that you're drinking anyways?

Fag Wine.

You're In Control.

No Culpable.

800th Post.

Wait.

Honey, I lost 10 pounds this month!

Really? That's pretty impressive, well done! You look great ... well, you still look hideous ... but it's getting more tolerable to take short glimpses of you ... from far away ... on a bus ... through squinted eyes ... squinted eyes wearing heavy, dark sunglasses ... or perhaps even a welding mask?

Ashanti Comics.

Introducing a new section to this website;

Ashanti Comics.

I aim to create (at least) two of these comics every week. For reference, there is a link in the side bar - below Hedrick.

Enjoy!

Fencing Teacher

Fuck off!!! My heart belongs to Jesus Christ bitch!

Safe! By J. Sparks

Available in glorious HD.

This Is My Last Resort.

Click image for better view.

Badminton.

Ok kids, this is badminton. The aim of the game is pretty simple. In fact, this game is essentially a high-tempo variation of Tennis. Edward, you'll want to serve your little cock as hard as you possibly can into Katie's back end. Edward, stop grinning...

You Son Of A Bitch.

Available in HD. For best viewing results, please follow the source YouTube link.

Pizza Danglers.

Mobile Battle House.

Holy shit! They're attacking us with some kind of mobile battle house! We'll never defeat a whole house with just these shitty arrows. Hey guys - what the fuck!? Why'd you bring a house? Who's in there, anyways? Is Gerry in there? Do you have any booze or chicks inside that mobile house?

Wii Fat

For God's sake Emelda, you are too darn fat to wear an outfit like that.

Oh yeah? Well you are too darn ugly to wear that ridiculous make-up. And if you don't get your hand off my boob right now I'm going to break your neck.

Pension Day

Fook me Dorine. What the hell have you been doing with your afternoons? This is a fifty pound payment from the XXX Red Hot Wives Channel. So that's why you've been talking a lot more and why your knickers have been living on the kitchen counter lately. You dutty bitch.

Raj's Gambit

Mumbai, India.

Oh bloody fucking hell! The bloody TV always breaks down around this time of year. Every bloody time. I need to get this televisual unit fixed before my wife gets home from work. She will be bloody furious if she misses her favourite soap; Life With Ginthi Rama. Let me see in this directory, yes, here it is, TV repairs... Hello? Calhoun TV repairs?

Hello painstake, I'm Kevin Calhoun how may I help you?

Yes Sir. I have a problem with my television.

Yep. And?

And what?

And what's the problem with the TV set?

How do I bloody know. That's why I've called you. I'm not a bloody televisual expert. Wait a minute, your accent sounds very British.

That's because I am British.

Oh bloody fucking hell! I am so sick of you immigrants in our country.

Excuse me pal, you're the immigrants! This country belongs to the British not you people that come over here with your political asylum bullshit. I voted BNP in the last election because I'm sick of your people coming over here and taking all our jobs.

Don't make this political Sir.

Why don't you stop me Gandhi.

Oh yes, I bet you'd like the British Empire back again wouldn't you? You English brute!

I have no idea what the hell you're talking about Char Wallah.

Did you just call me a Char Wallah?

Why not.

How dare you Sir!

I learnt that word from that shitty Slumdog Millionaire movie. Do you like it?

No Sir, I do NOT! I am no Char Wallah. I'll have you know that I run a store which sells sporting goods and electrical items such as televisions and VCRs.

VCRs? Oh man, get with the future Grandpa. Hang on, why are you calling me to repair your TV when you sell TVs in your shop?

What?

You heard me bitch. Or are you as deaf as you are stupid?

Because you rude devil, you were the only 5 star rated repair service in the Mumbai directory book.

Mumbai?

You don't live in Mumbai, India do you?

Fuck no! Why would I live in a shithole like India? You are calling Cambridge, England.

Oh this Goddamn directory is going to be the end of me.

Whatever you say Mr. Patel, fix your own fucking TV you Bollywood twat!

And for your information, Slumdog Millionaire was a brilliant film worthy of it's Oscars... Hello?

...................................................................................................

Hello? Are you there?

....................................................................................................

Oh no, not again. My wife is going to kill me.

Avatar.

Hey, did you know that you can create a profile of yourself on this computer system? It'll recognise you and remember any custom settings you add to any game. It's pretty clever, how about we set one up ... your name is Darryl ... you're 26 years old ... you have brown, curly hair ... hey, do you have any additional info you'd like to add to your profile?

Uh ... I'm pretty racist.

Michael Jackson: A Life In Music

God? (((God?))) (((God?))) Are you there? (((There?))) (((There?)))

YES MICHAEL. I AM EVERYWHERE.

God? Am I dead? (((Dead?))) (((Dead?)))

YES.

God, why did I die? Why? (((Why?))) (((Why?)))

IT WAS YOUR TIME MY SON.

But I was just about to go on tour. I was about to make a come back with my "This Is It" tour at the O2.

YES.

Is that it? Just "yes".

I HAVE EXPLAINED.

Oh yeah, it was my time right? Well what about my fans? Do you realise how upset they will be?

YES.

And?

THEY WILL LIVE.

God?

YES.

Why do you look like Charlton Heston?

I DON'T LOOK LIKE CHARLTON HESTON. HE LOOKED LIKE ME.

Oh. I see. But God-

ENOUGH WITH THE QUESTIONS. I AM ABOUT TO TAKE YOU ON A JOURNEY. A JOURNEY THROUGH YOUR LIFE. WE SHALL BEGIN.



#I wanna rock with you... All night.... KICK IT! Dance you into sunlight. I wanna rock with you... All night... Were gonna rock the night away....#

I remember this show. The crowd was electric. I loved it so much.

YES. IT WAS A GOOD SHOW.

You saw it?

I HAVE SEEN EVERYTHING MICHAEL.

Oh yeah, of course you have. You're God right?

THIS IS CORRECT. NOW WE WILL GO DEEPER INTO YOUR CAREER.



#Ow!!! 'Cause this is thriller... Thriller night and no one's gonna save you from the beast about to strike... 'Cause this is thriller... Thriller night... Eeehee Owwww!#

Oh the Thriller video shoot! I'd forgotten how great it was doing that with John Landis. That was at the height of my career. Before I decided to-

BEFORE YOU DECIDED TO BECOME WHITE. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND YOU ARE A SINGULAR SOUL OF NEITHER COLOUR OR CREED?

I- I- I don't understand.

AND THAT IS WHY YOU FAIL MICHAEL.



#You know, I'm BAD, I'm BAD, OWWW! Shamone, you know it. And the whole world has to answer right now just to tell you once again... WHO'S BAD???!!!#

Please don't judge me God.

THAT IS WHAT I DO.

Please don't. I didn't know. I didn't know what I was doing to myself.

EVERY SOUL IS ACCOUNTABLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS.

But-



I remember this... Captain Eo? I did this for Disney. It came out in 3D you know?

I KNOW.

Guess I wanted to get some of that Star Wars rub. George Lucas even produced it.

I KNOW.



#It don't matter if you're black or white... EEE-HEEE OWWW! SHAMONE YEAH! It's BLACK , it's WHITE, it's tough for you to get by. It's BLACK, it's WHITE!!! C'mon!!#

Please, I can explain.

BUT IT DOES MATTER IF YOU'RE BLACK OR WHITE DOESN'T IT MICHAEL?

No, I mean, yes, I mean, no, of course I- I don't know God!!! Please, I wanna go home now.

YOU ARE HOME.



#We'll just keep it in the closet...#



(I love you Michael.)

(I love you too Gavin. We have a special relationship.)

(I love you Michael.)



I didn't touch him. I swear. God, please believe me. I would never touch a child in such a disgusting why as what they said. God? Are you still there?

I AM EVERYWHERE.

All I wanna say is, they don't really care about us. I meant what I said in that song God. They don't care.

BUT THEY DO. THEY CARE ALOT. ABOUT THE PAPERS, MEDIA AND THE PLOT. THEY CARE A LOT.

God, you know the truth right.

I DO.

What am I suppose to do now. Now that the media ruined my career and my life is over?

THERE IS A CHRISTMAS PARTY. YOU COULD PERFORM THERE.

But I haven't been gone that long have I? It isn't December yet is it?

IT IS CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN EVERY DAY.

It is? Wow! So I could perform at a Christmas show?

YES.

Where?

HERE IN HEAVEN. PRINCE WILL BE ON THAT NIGHT TOO.

But Prince isn't dead is he?

NO. BUT HE IS LIKE A LIVING GOD. HENCE HE IS WELCOME IN HEAVEN ANYTIME.

So this isn't the end of my career?

NO MICHAEL. IT IS THE BEGINNING.....

The Most Amazing Completion Sequence, Ever?

Sporting Prayers.

Dear man in the sky. We desperately need you to endow us with your spirit and magical fairy dust, to give us the powers we need in order to defeat our opposition in this trivial, sporting competition. You see, we're much holier than our opposition ... they're a team full of bigots and ... uh ... litterbugs. So we're way more deserving of some of your good mojo than they are, and by doing so you'll be sending them a sharp message of your wrath. Amen.

You Are Not Alone...

Curtains

Richard, I have something to tell you.

Yes darling?

Something very important.

Is it that Michael Jackson is dead.

No.

Oh. What a let down.

Richard please, I'm trying to be serious.

Okay, okay. What is it then?

I've been taking medication. Unbeknownst to you...

Why?

Because I need it Richard. Why else?

No, I mean, why do you need the medication?

Because... Well, it's hard to say really, but I- Well, what I'm trying to say is, I, um, see things.

Yeah, so? I see things too. In fact, most of the population of this planet see things, except the blind that is. It's called vision darling and it works by refracting light-

No Richard! I'm not talking about sight. I'm trying to tell you I see things.

Oh... Um, like what?

Things. I don't know. Dragons, devils, horrible faces.

Oh...

I see them everywhere. On the walls, in the carpet, on the celling. I even saw a devilish face in Spot's fur.

Oh how could you darling. Spot's a lovely dog, he wouldn't have devils and the such living on his pristine coat.

I can even see things on this here curtain.

Can you?

Yes, I see them as clearly as I see you now. That's why I think, no, I know these curtains have to be burned.

Now calm down dear.

NO RICHARD!!! THE CURTAINS HAVE TO BURN!!!

Please Katlin, you're making a scene!

THEY'VE GOT DEVILISH DEMONS ALL OVER THEM AND I NEED TO CLEANSE THEM WITH FIRE!!! I WILL ASK THE OGDRU JAHAD TO OPEN A PORTAL AND RID THIS WORLD OF THE EVIL!!! EVIL RICHARD!!! THESE CURTAINS ARE EVIL!!!

Katin please... I don't like the curtains much either, cream just isn't my kind of colour, but there's no reason to start burning things.

THEY MUST DIE IN FLAME AND FIRE!!!!

If you burn down those curtains I am leaving you, do you understand me?

Yes darling. Sorry.

Good, now come lay down on this bed, like a good girl and we'll make sweet and tender love.

Quiet Disruptions.

Changes to this space are well in place...

EDIT : The new site is ready. :O (big gasp face)

The "Just" Ok Corral

Okay boys! It's time to draw them guns and have ourselves a gunfight so it is.

But Mr. Earp?

Yes Doc?

Aren't we gonna wait for Michael to arrive. It ain't a real gunfight in the west without Michael.

Sorry to disappoint you Doc, but Michael Jackson is dead.

What? No! No, not Wacko. He was bad.

And Dangerous, I know.

What happened to him Wyatt?

Took a shot and now he done died.

Shiiiit. After hearing that I don't really feel in the mood for a gunfight.

Neither do I quite frankly.

In that case, let's beat it.

Pandemonium

Now listen here Mai-Ling, I am not going to panda to you anymore. You understand?

Flat Pack.

Nancy, I'm looking at these wardrobe assembly instructions and ... well ... this wardrobe is going to be tiny!

Let me see ... Oh God, you're right! It'll be ok, though. It's not as if we need a large wardrobe. It would be perfect for midget clothes ... in fact, I think you could safely fit a whole midget inside of there!

I don't think you could. Midget bums stick out.

Birthday Arrears.

Happy birthday, dear.

Oh thank you, this gift is really thoughtful! It must have cost you a fortune!

That's ok, dear. You can repay me later with a long, throaty blow job.

Jenny's Stratagem

So you see, by this marketing strategy I've devised right here...

*ZZ Top.*

What?

Nothing. As I was saying, this strategy will...

*AC/DC*

Excuse me?

Hmm?

Did you say something?

Who me? No.

Oh, okay. Well, I've devised this marketing...

*Metallica*

What?

What? What?

You whispered something.

No I didn't.

Well someone did.

Not me. I'm really interested in what you're saying. Please continue.

Of course. Well, if we bring our departments together to...

*Whitesnake*

I heard that!

Excuse me?

Nothing. Anyway, as I was saying...

*Aerosmith*

STOP THAT!!!

What?

You are whispering things on purpose to put me off.

What are you talking about?

You've been whispering the names of famous rock bands.

Okay, you got me.

But why?

Because Jenny, I wanna rock with you.

*Bon Jovi*

Leg Police.

Golf Club.

Hey ma'am, it looks like you could use some help.

Oh, thank you. You're very kind.

Am I right to guess that you're of South Korean descent? Your accent has a 'Boryeong' dialect to it.

Why yes, you're absolutely right!

I thought so. Say, why don't you go ahead and get the fuck off the green? Golf is not a sport for women or Asians, let alone Asian females! Here, I'll just take that club away from you...

Teacher.

Holy shit! I leave this class for two minutes and come back to find you fucking kids are knuckling down into your algebra?! I'm glad I can trust in Eric to keep his shit together whenever I've got my back turned, or whenever I have to leave the classroom. How the hell are you kids going to maintain a sufficient sense of individuality and self esteem if you have your head buried inside a textbook all day? Your collective spirits being slowly shattered in preparation for an existence of serving your corporate masters. You know what? I've had about enough of this bullshit. Everybody except for Eric is getting a detention.

Investigations!

I Will Hurl Right Into That Eye If You Keep This Up.

Ew! Jesus fucking Christ! Hey, you better stop doing that with your goddamn eye. You have no idea how bad that looks from here. All pink mucus and veins. So help me God, I'll send you to a state school if you keep this shit up.

Panda Pops.

How is it?

Well the Coke tastes about the same ... but I look a solid 35% more awesome drinking it.

Interesting ... I could probably make that a good 38% with further adjustments.

Building Sight.

Hey guys. If you want this thing built today, you'll have to bring more than one cow at a time...

Riggs by J. Sparks.

Gavin Arvizo

Ah hello. I'm Ed McMahon and I'm proud to be able to give you, the loving public, Michael Jackson's first interview since dying last Thursday. Now Michael-

Please call me Michael.

Okay Michael...

Or MJ. Call me MJ.

Well, thank you Sir. MJ will do nicely. Now I'm not sure if you know this, what with being dead and all, but the world is in turmoil over your death. You're fan base is in tatters. Did you think your death would bring about such a reaction from the public?

No, no, Mr. McMahon, that's ignorance. That's ignorance. I'm not really dead. I'm more living impaired. Do you see, do you?

Yes, yes. I do!

I didn't die Mr. McMahon. I would never do that to my fans. They mean everything to me. No, it was a career move.

Well it certainly paid off. People all over the world are buying up your albums like they were going out of fashion. I've also heard that 50 of the top 100 songs on itunes are Michael Jackson songs. Plus the fact you're splashed across nearly every magazine and newspaper.

Of course Mr. McMahon. And television. Don't forget television. But as I said. This was a career move.

And isn't there some talk of releasing a DVD of rehearsal footage for your "This Is It" tour.

Well, that's kinda up in the air right now. My manager is holding a seance this weekend where he'll be contacting me and we'll be going over the details of perhaps releasing a DVD or possibly a greatest, greatest hits album.

That sounds great. But can we talk a little about the darker side of your life.

You mean my childhood?

Not exactly. I am referring of course to Gavin Arvizo.

What?!!!! No!!! No Ed McMahon! That's not fair. I'm not a sex criminal. How many times can I tell you Ed McMahon, it's ingorance. Ignorance. I love children. I would never touch a child in a sexual way or give them Jesus Juice or masterbate them and call their spermatozoa; duck butter. No. I love children. I sleep on the floor. Never in the bed. Those allegations by Gavin Arvizo were hurtful to my heart Ed McMahon.

I'm sorry but I had to ask.

Why?

Because Jesus wanted to know.

Where is Jesus anyway. Aren't we in Heaven?

What? Heaven? Hahahaha! That's a good one. Thanks for watching folks. Goodnight everybody. Every dead body.