Gavin Arvizo

Ah hello. I'm Ed McMahon and I'm proud to be able to give you, the loving public, Michael Jackson's first interview since dying last Thursday. Now Michael-

Please call me Michael.

Okay Michael...

Or MJ. Call me MJ.

Well, thank you Sir. MJ will do nicely. Now I'm not sure if you know this, what with being dead and all, but the world is in turmoil over your death. You're fan base is in tatters. Did you think your death would bring about such a reaction from the public?

No, no, Mr. McMahon, that's ignorance. That's ignorance. I'm not really dead. I'm more living impaired. Do you see, do you?

Yes, yes. I do!

I didn't die Mr. McMahon. I would never do that to my fans. They mean everything to me. No, it was a career move.

Well it certainly paid off. People all over the world are buying up your albums like they were going out of fashion. I've also heard that 50 of the top 100 songs on itunes are Michael Jackson songs. Plus the fact you're splashed across nearly every magazine and newspaper.

Of course Mr. McMahon. And television. Don't forget television. But as I said. This was a career move.

And isn't there some talk of releasing a DVD of rehearsal footage for your "This Is It" tour.

Well, that's kinda up in the air right now. My manager is holding a seance this weekend where he'll be contacting me and we'll be going over the details of perhaps releasing a DVD or possibly a greatest, greatest hits album.

That sounds great. But can we talk a little about the darker side of your life.

You mean my childhood?

Not exactly. I am referring of course to Gavin Arvizo.

What?!!!! No!!! No Ed McMahon! That's not fair. I'm not a sex criminal. How many times can I tell you Ed McMahon, it's ingorance. Ignorance. I love children. I would never touch a child in a sexual way or give them Jesus Juice or masterbate them and call their spermatozoa; duck butter. No. I love children. I sleep on the floor. Never in the bed. Those allegations by Gavin Arvizo were hurtful to my heart Ed McMahon.

I'm sorry but I had to ask.

Why?

Because Jesus wanted to know.

Where is Jesus anyway. Aren't we in Heaven?

What? Heaven? Hahahaha! That's a good one. Thanks for watching folks. Goodnight everybody. Every dead body.