Raj's Gambit

Mumbai, India.

Oh bloody fucking hell! The bloody TV always breaks down around this time of year. Every bloody time. I need to get this televisual unit fixed before my wife gets home from work. She will be bloody furious if she misses her favourite soap; Life With Ginthi Rama. Let me see in this directory, yes, here it is, TV repairs... Hello? Calhoun TV repairs?

Hello painstake, I'm Kevin Calhoun how may I help you?

Yes Sir. I have a problem with my television.

Yep. And?

And what?

And what's the problem with the TV set?

How do I bloody know. That's why I've called you. I'm not a bloody televisual expert. Wait a minute, your accent sounds very British.

That's because I am British.

Oh bloody fucking hell! I am so sick of you immigrants in our country.

Excuse me pal, you're the immigrants! This country belongs to the British not you people that come over here with your political asylum bullshit. I voted BNP in the last election because I'm sick of your people coming over here and taking all our jobs.

Don't make this political Sir.

Why don't you stop me Gandhi.

Oh yes, I bet you'd like the British Empire back again wouldn't you? You English brute!

I have no idea what the hell you're talking about Char Wallah.

Did you just call me a Char Wallah?

Why not.

How dare you Sir!

I learnt that word from that shitty Slumdog Millionaire movie. Do you like it?

No Sir, I do NOT! I am no Char Wallah. I'll have you know that I run a store which sells sporting goods and electrical items such as televisions and VCRs.

VCRs? Oh man, get with the future Grandpa. Hang on, why are you calling me to repair your TV when you sell TVs in your shop?

What?

You heard me bitch. Or are you as deaf as you are stupid?

Because you rude devil, you were the only 5 star rated repair service in the Mumbai directory book.

Mumbai?

You don't live in Mumbai, India do you?

Fuck no! Why would I live in a shithole like India? You are calling Cambridge, England.

Oh this Goddamn directory is going to be the end of me.

Whatever you say Mr. Patel, fix your own fucking TV you Bollywood twat!

And for your information, Slumdog Millionaire was a brilliant film worthy of it's Oscars... Hello?

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Hello? Are you there?

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Oh no, not again. My wife is going to kill me.