Midi Surf

Oh my fucking bloody hell!!! Quickly, I gotta set up this camera and let's go live with this shit!!! This is pure gold. Hey! I look a like Big Boi from Outkast. Or does he look like me? Whatever. GO ACTION!!!


WHOA DUDE!!!!!!!!! This curl is like, totally tubular! I'm hitting a radical wave dude!!! Watch me now dude, I'm Lord and God Of Crash-Pow!!! CRASH-POW!!! CRASH-POW!!! Oh fuck, the wave's coming down, gonna be a big one. Oh shit, bitch's gonna crush me. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII- ARGH!!!



Goddamn. Tough break for the kid. Looks like he's Lord and God Of Crush-Pow. Heh!

The Un-Understanding Man

I jus' don't know what happened. One minute I was in the store. Next minute I was being taken downtown by the police.

Yes, because you were caught shoplifting Three bottles of Jack Daniels.

Sour mash.

Shut up Calvin and listen to what I'm saying.

But that's just it baby, I just don't git what'cha saying?

For God's sake Calvin!!! You were arrested for shoplifting!!!

I know. But what's your point sweetheart?

My point IS, it's a fucking crime. You shoplift from Walmart and you get arrested. That's how the law works.

But I had gots my thirst on and needed some sweet liquor to quench it. I just took some bottles is all.

And you didn't pay!!! You stole them!!! You had Two Hundred bucks in your wallet Calvin!!!

Yar yar Ma'Shack. So why'd I get my ass dragged downtown to the station?

Forget it Calvin. Just go watch the game on TV.

I Like Mine With Mustard

Hello? Is this the police? Yep? Oh good, because I'm going to do a murder. That's right officer, a murder. Quite a brutal one too. Oh yes, with loads of blood all over the place and everything. It'll take years and I do mean fucking years to get this murder out of your mind. Charles Manson ain't got nothing on me pal. No, this isn't a joke. I'm drawing the murder right now. Yes. Who? Oh you know, the same old, same old. It's the girlfriend I'm going to "do in". She a real bitch and I think she's been cheating on me with a black man. So I'm going to kill them both in the night like a fucking ninja. When? Oh, when I get round to it. I have so much to do today, I've got this drawing to finish, then I've got to bath the dog, get a few bits from Tesco and watch Deal Or No Deal followed by Wogan's Perfect Recall. I love them shows. Okay, see you soon.

Ted, You Drop To One Knee Like A Pro!

I'll tell you what, you guys may have lost every game this season, but you sure know how to pose for a team photo! That's what I admire about you guys - your ability to keep smiling like a bunch of battery-licking spastics, regardless of the crushing defeats you set yourselves up for in life.

*Psst* Listen up, fellas! You've gotta ditch the bitch ahead of next season! You're always gonna lose every game when you've got a chick on your team. She's not gonna take any game seriously when she's got, like, ironing and soap operas on her mind.

JCVD

Looks ace. Hate that 'Doctor Who' soft-edge filter they've (seemingly) shot the whole thing with, though.

Curry Boat.

Ooooooooh! Holy shit, is that another bucket full of bhuna you've caught? That's got to be around sixty buckets of fresh curry you've landed today! That's a good haul, man. Nothing turns me on more than a hot chick knocking back bucket upon bucket of 'brown gold'!

Carefully Dispose Of Written Materials Following Consumption.

Kino.

Hey Amanda, would you like a sip of my soda? It's let's-go-watch-a-shitty-boring-subtitled-foreign-film-alone-in-an-empty-cinema-which-smells-of-fart flavour.

Lincoln.

I am scrubbing the fuck out of Lincoln today! In fact, I blew a full jar of man-fat from a couple of big, old, salty balls into the water bucket I'm cleaning you from right now, man. You like my shit in yo' beard?

It Was All About The Ikari Warriors In My Day.

I'd say that'd be more than enough firewood to get us through the rest of this shitty winter. Good work, man. I've gone ahead and filled the kitchen with canned peaches and bags of tortilla chips. I guess now we can totally pull-off that mammoth February World Of Warcraft lock-in! Oh man, this is gonna be off the hook! Did you steal all this wood from our neighbour's firewood supply as I asked?

Yes.

Grand.

No, No, No, Notorious.

Remarkable delivery, Lydia! On behalf of the 'Annihilation Congregation', I welcome you to our crew.

The Cock Returns

Well hello, hello. Bet you didn't think you'd be seeing my big sexy cock again did ya? Life's full of surprises and so is my crotch. There are wonders going on in my underpants as we speak. They were considering me for Dr. Who you know. How about that. Turns out they wanted a younger and less experienced actor to play The Doctor. They hired some fuck, I forget his name. I could care less to be honest. I would have probably had to turn the role down because let's face it, my cock is way too big for Dr. Who. My cock is so big it deserves a TV show of it's own. Dr. Cock. I like that. Has a certain ring to it, so it does. Besides, me and my big cock are going to be way too busy signing autographs. Funnily enough, my cock gets most of the fan mail and requests for autograph. I just dip my cock and balls in some ink and slap the fucker onto a nice glossy of myself. Works like a charm. Failing that, I just bottle some willy juice and send it onto my fans. I'm good like that. Cum inside my tardis. Ooo, right sexy that is.

Meanwhile, During Construction Of The Myra Hindley Museum...

Whoa - hold the fuck on there, my fellow builders! I've been handed this scroll to inform you all that you're each required to attend work tomorrow wearing much higher, tighter shorts. That is all.

Sand Gods Part II

And...?

Ah yes, King Kolo, we have returned from the second journey you sent us on.

And what did you discover about the New World?

Well, yes, that's the trick isn't it. You see, we kind of got very lost this time. What with the chasm of the Sand Gods presenting quite a danger , the treacherous valley of biscuits and the golden arch.

Tell me more of this golden arch.

Yes, it was more or less a place of business with people enjoying cow rounds and a clown.

And the valley of biscuits?

Yes, we lost Brother Hyem there.

My word! How did that happen?

He died in a landslide of Rich Tea.

Oh shame that. But enough of all this silliness of valleys and arches. Tell me about the real mysteries of the world out there.

Well it's pretty much just Sand Gods out there other than that. Yep, Sand Gods.

Gastro Gnome

Are you ready to order now Sir?

Ah, yeah, yeah. I'll have the Barack Obama special.

Very good Sir. And how would you like him done?

Uh-huh, yeah.

That was a question.

I know.

Cunk Kick

I fucking told you I'd bring my homies round to duff you up big style didn't I? But big man wouldn't listen would he? Now you're not so fucking tough are ya? You'll be pissing raspberry juice after me and the boys have finished with you. Now we want your fucking PS3 and we want it now!!!...

Oh and any games you've got to go with it yeah?

Chamber Of Hilarious Horrors.

ha-ha-ha-ha! Dennis wrote this morning's lists, and he's done it all in Comic Sans! Oh shit, look at this - he's put a clip-art cartoon of a sad kitty with a thermometer in it's mouth on the corner of the page! Oh, that's me totally stoked the fuck up for today! You know what, Dennis? You make working in the Orphan's Amputee Chamber an absolute fuckin' blast!

Gastro Gnome.

Hello Sir, are you ready to order?

Yes ... uh, for a starter I'll have the Choc Ice. For my main course, I'll have a Choc Ice. You know what? I'm going to spoil myself with a Raspberry Choc Ice for dessert! Oh, how are the Choc Ices today?

Really cold.

Splendid.

Seriously, Enough With These Fucking Gifs.

Goldeneyes.

Once you see it. You'll never be able to 'un-see' it...

God Is Awesome!

Really, You Have To Stop With These Gifs.

Wintons.

My sitting stool, my scrolls! What the hell has happened in this room!?

Oh ... I see. It was another Winton! I'm going to have to lay some Winton traps before this bullshit becomes a full-on infestation.

Shhooo, Winton! Shhooo!

Chicken Little

Howdy, you know I bloody hate January. It's at months like this that I wish I had a cup of hot water. Roll on summer is all I can say. Talking of summer, you know, when I was a kid, me and my brother used to have a Hot Water Battle. Oh yeah, we would pop the kettle on and fill our water pistols with boiling hot water. Scolded a bit when you got shot but it was great fun. Unless you got shot in the eye, which I did quite frequently. My brother was a right bastard for that, but he's dying of AIDS now so everything has come full circle. But enough about him. Let's talk shop.

You're probably wondering who and what I do. So let me enlighten you. My name isn't actually Chicken Finche. Well my surname is Finche, but what kind of parents would call their child Chicken? My parents didn't hate me that much, oh they hated me but not enough to call me after a barnyard animal. Chicken is a nickname, but we'll get to that later. My name is Ken. And I'll give you a clue to what I do for a living. Let's just say my life is like a rubbish comic book. It's like that Batman slogan from back in the day. But this is The Bat, The Cat And The Finche. You get me? No one does.

Je Suis Ventura.

King Of The Sand Castle.

Son, it is my duty that today I should lead you to war. As my father did to me, I now do to you. I warn you there will be much bloodshed and unimaginable horrors, more than any child or human being should ever witness. This experience will make you a man. A man fit to become King! You ought to know that should anything happen to me in battle, you shall inherit the crown and indeed, a nation.

Sausages!

Indeed ... Sausages.

Pasted.

Jesus Christ, this wallpaper is absolutely fucking diabolical! You don't get a good idea of how it'll look until it's up there, y'know? Hey Grandpa, you want to save me the time and effort of hanging this shitty red wallpaper by smearing your crap all over it!? Like how you did last time, when the old wallpaper was up. If the wife sees this, she'll know I hate it and will be all like; "ooooh, this is lovely!", just to get back at me for having Grandpa live with us in the first place.

I can hear you mumbling about something from here in the kitchen, you know! How's it going in there?

Oh, fucking hell. Hey honey, it's coming along great in here. I'll be finished in the next hour or so! It's looking great!

Pay As You Goat.

Oh, hey Lisa! What's the matter?

You have a call from my cousin Burp.

You don't have a cous...

*buuuuuuurrrrrrrrp!*

Orient Express

That's right, smile bitch cuz I just spiked your drink with the date rape drug.

Never A Right Day For Pork

Ello, ello. What's this? Smoking? Smoking? Why'd you be desperate for smoking? I may be near sighted but I'm not bloody blind you know. Now put that dutty, dutty thing out right away. There isn't no smoking allowed the bus and I'll put my kung-fu up you if I finds ash on the seat. Now lad, be sensible, not irrehensible. Ulgh! Your teeth look like horrible, I'd hate to be your wife or girlfriend or BFF. I'd hate to be anything to you except your arresting officer. Now lad, cough 'em up. Where's your bag of crack cocaine and goofballs? I know you must be into that silliness aswell being a hoodie and in your mid twenties. I'll take down your trousers if I have to boy. I'll put you on the top of the totem pole kid, I mean it. Don't make me get Lethal Weapon 3 on your asshole. I could use a good work out at my age. Now off the bus!!!

YAN KAN DRIVE

Eh yoki! I give you ride on my bus? You come, you come. Nice day for ride with Yan. When you in People's Republic Of China, you ride with Yan or you walk! Ah, no worry, I drive good in bus. Oh no, no bomb on Yan's bus. No like Speed here. No mad bombie at number 50mph. We go nice and slow. We hold up all car except bike. Fuck bike. Alright, you want travel, get ass in Yan's bus and we see some shit. It like Buck Rogers in here dudie.

Cocktail Sausages.

mmm! This is some good onion wine.

Gimme a sip of that onion wine, Thomas!

No way, man! Not until you fill this party with more creepy-looking children. Oh, and maybe another little dog.

Sad Day For Puppets.

Hey Bruce, it's really nice to get together like this and catch up over a cup of coffee ... ooh, hold on! You've just dropped a sugar cube into my cup. Thanks, but I didn't really want any sugar in my coffee.

It wasn't a sugar cube, it was smegma. Cheers!

Ice Cream.

DOS.

Doom 2!? Doom 2 is this thing you 'desperately needed' to show me!? I suppose it's cool in a retro way, and it was a good game ... in, like, 1995. Why don't you go ahead and close this shit down and let me show you something awesome which I found on Facebook. You see, I found this guy I used to play squash with on Thursdays, 'Patrick', and when I looked on his friends list I found that he and the Burt Reynolds are totally friends and ... oh, what the fuck this!? Are you running Windows 3.11!? Is your web browser really 'Netscape'!? Wait a second, you make forty-grand a year and you're packing this shitty old laptop!? Jesus Christ, and I thought you were trying to be ironic by driving that shitty old Volvo Estate! I'm sorry Sandy, I'm going to have to get the hell away from you and go back to 2009.

Henry Rollins : Driving Instructor.

I want you to study these diagrams. They illustrate how your stopping distances vary when driving in extreme weather conditions.

The diagram on the next page details how a child's lower intestine can be forced beyond the colon, when you hit the fucker at 80mph. I will be quizzing you next week on which of the major organs is likely to rupture at which point during the impact.

William James Mercer Lays It Down Old Skool.

Oh, Christ! My neighbour's stupid kid has been outside, banging on her tambourine all fucking morning! I'm going to have to do something about this ... Hey kid ... Yeah, you with the tambourine.

Hello, Mr. Mercer.

Yeah, hi. How about you tap that shitty tambourine in rhythm with this world-class beatboxing I'm about to throw down? *bfffffffffft-bud-bud-bfffft-bud-bud...*

Dr. Smith Hates Every Ape He Sees.

Do you like how this tongue depressor tastes?

Yessssth...

Cool. It's been soaked in piss.

A Faaaaaabulous Christmas.

Oh great, Mamma Mia! on DVD. I'll watch this while wearing the sweater you got me with the unicorn on it. You know, the one with "I'm Forever Reaching For That Rainbow" written on the back. Or maybe I'll watch it while I'm wrapped up in the fluffy pink pyjamas you also got me. Seriously, what the fuck are you trying to tell me!?

Screams Cold En Vegas

Hello, my name is Meris Rani, if you are seeing this, then please peoples of the Las Vegas and of United States of America please help me. My husband Sanjay, he is keeping me prisoner like dog in India and refuses to feed me an-

What is this woman? You plea to these western whores to survive? I am the only one who is to be providing you with survival and I say NO! If you don't stop this foolishness I will murder you with hot coals and wear your tears as aftershave!!!

Oh please Sanjay, why do you torment and hurt me?

Because I like it. I will bet Two goats to a penis that the retched devils of this filthy land are not interested in your plight. They are too absorbed in their rap music, their Star Trek, Batman and drug taking celebrities to bother with a worthless sack of skin like YOU!!! Now come woman, I wish to endulge in what they call: The Big Mac.

X-Men In 5 Seconds.

Skid Marks.

Living Room Press Conference.

Oh, so you've bought all of these microphones and set them up in our living room, and now it makes you important? Am I supposed to sit here and ask you questions all night from now on!? This is ridiculous. You're full of shit, Annie. Absolutely full of shit.

I'd like to address that question by affirming the importance of my person. I'd also like to point out that members should raise their hand for attention before asking any questions. Are you clear on that?

I'm sorry, what? You'll need to raise your hand before asking me a question.

Oh, ok. Are you clear on ... oh shit, you've got me to raise my hand. This Q&A session is over.

Stella - "Birthday"

Street Artist.

Oh my God, Diana! You are going to flip out when you see this! This artist has done an amazing job. Honestly, it's amazing! He's even made you look a little bit like your sister. No, not Andie, Sandra - the one full of Down's Syndrome.

Brother Matthew.

All I'm saying is I think we should physically punish ourselves whenever any wicked thoughts creep into our minds.

I hear that, in fact I was up all of last night flogging myself for my soul after I had lustful thoughts of my neighbour's 18 year-old daughter. Also, I nearly crippled my first born the other day. He had to learn that being envious of his friend's material possessions was leading him on a pathway to hell. I pretty much stoned the fuck out of his legs for a solid twenty minutes. Yes, this idea of caning oneself for having wicked logic is absolutely brilliant! We should march to the temple and put this notion to the council of elders, to make it a law. Soon there will be enormous bloodshed, with much repenting and fear of our almighty. Generations of people will grow with these ideals and create a new kind of Eden, built on love and respect for each other and our Lord ... *ugh* ... for fuck's sake brother Matthew, you're saying we should brutally punish ourselves for thinking of shit!? I'm going to stop hanging out with you if you come out with any more of these fucking stupid ideas. Good luck with your self-sabotage.

Put Some More Fucking Fries On That Thing.

Pool.

Oh, man! I've got this entire, huge pool all to myself! Oh, and the sun is shining and the water's great! This is absolutely fantastic, I was planning to go shopping but I might spend all day here. In fact, I might go and order a drink from the ... oh ... oh, hell! Is ... is that bird shit I see floating at the far end of this thing? Jesus, it is! This is so fucking typical, I might as well be having a hobo piss all over me right now. *gag* Oh Jesus, I remember I must've swallowed a fucking gallon of this shitty water when I botched my cannonball entrance.

Sir Thomas Henry

Barrack Obama is being sworn in as President this month. Ah, fuck him. He's a pussy. I should know.

STEAM!!!

Ah, a nice hot relaxing shower to start the New Year off right. But the soap and water can't wash away the fucking demons in my mind!!! HELP ME GOD!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!

Noah's Gala.

My accountant says we need to throw a charity gala in order to dodge certain tax laws. We need a few celebrity faces to appear at this thing, so show me who you have lined up so far.

Christ almighty, Bob Geldof has let himself go a bit.




...what? What do mean that's Amy Winehouse?

Jason Statham : GIT

Ski Dance (Fire & Ice)

If I could dance. I would dance like this.

Dr. Smith Fucks The Pain Away.

That's a pretty nasty-looking infection you have, there. Oh! What the hell? Are these tears? Are you crying? Oh boy. I can't make the pain go away, because of the nature of the infection ... but, uh ... I can stuff your eyes with band-aids to stop the crying.