Joe Ratzinger: God Cop Ep.2

I walk these streets, the streets of Vatican City. These streets are my streets and I know them like the back of my prayer book. I look upon all this Godless trash who have no idea what he awaiting them when they depart this earth. Well son, I'll tell you what's waiting for you. An eternity in Hell!!! As I cruise by in my God squad car, I see the unwed mothers hanging out at the coffee bars laughing at their friends dirty joke about a penis or something equally as vulgar. They laugh, yeah, they'll laugh when they're being fucked senseless by demons in the very pits of damnation. That'll be quite the laugh won't it ladies? And the bozo on the corner with his Armani suit and mobile phone. He cares to call all his buddies and his casual women, but does he care to contact his Heavenly father? I don't think so. He's too busy for that. Too busy for God huh? You can never been too busy for God!!! When you're on your death bed, dying from a tumour that you're mobile phone has caused and you call out the Lord's name. Will he be too busy to listen to your plea? Wise up people. Don't fuck with God or I'll slap you upside the head... Biblically o'course.

Our Lucky Winner.

Hey Mark, this package came through the mail for you.

Oh great, thank you. I wonder what it is ... oh wait, there's a note attached. It reads "Congratulations on winning this 24" 'Grand Evacuator' Vibrator" ... oh, oh my ... uh ... oh well, you can never complain whenever you win something. I should probably put it through a cycle in the dishwasher before getting to work with it.

Earth Hour.

'Earth Hour'? A time for the people of the world to switch off their lights in aid of 'climate change'. Jesus, Pete! Who came up with that bullshit?

I did. We've been doing it for the last few years now. Last year, 23 million people were admitted to emergency clinics worldwide with all kinds of injuries - due to them not being able to see what they're doing or where they're going.

You're a sick man, Pete.

Holding Out For a Hero

Motherfucker actually Hadoukens.

Premiere Man.

If you've ever visited a film premiere at London's Leicester Square, then chances are you will have encountered this mumbling lunatic. I shot this quick piece of video and added subtitles for the hard of hearing. Simply because I love him.

Scrapbooking.

Ah, yes. Keeping a scrapbook of events really helps to preserve the memories.

Oh hey, look at this photo. This was taken when I photographed myself putting a bunch of walnuts up your arse while you slept. Do you remember that? I think we were both surprised how many walnuts you could hold in there. Holy shit! I just remembered - we called you 'buttnuts' for, like, a year after. ha-ha-ha! Buttnuts! Buttnuts!

C.V.

I don't think I should need to be writing a C.V. at my age, but let's see what we have so far ... My name is Robert Young. Date of birth. Employment history, achievements. I suppose I should write a little about myself. Ok. Well ... "I enjoy devoting much of my recreational time to fishing, gardening and jogging. I have a demonic twin brother. He is three feet tall and three feet wide. He wears a Jester's outfit and has a thing for cracking eggs with his penis. He gets terribly jealous at times and doesn't favour me going out and meeting people. He has also served a life sentence for kidnapping a pregnant woman". Shit, I should probably leave that last bit out.

Wintons! By J. Sparks.

(Available in HD, where available)

Quentin Tarantino

Oh my word. Really?

Yep. Blood all over the place. I was covered in it. Silly woman behind the counter just wouldn't hand over the diamonds so I put a bullet in her. Boo-ka!!!

Dear God! Then what happened?

Well, the filth burst into the jewellery store and tried to take me down. But I wasn't going down without a fight. I took out three of them pigs in the shootout and made it out the bank with the loot. It was like Reservoir Dogs it was.

You said you were in a jewellery store.

Did I?

Yes.

Did I also mention I have Alzheimer's?

I Didn't Do It

Okay scumbag, we know you murdered the girl now come nice and quietly and there won't be any trouble. Got it?

NO! NO! I'VE BEEN FRAMED I TELL YOU! FRAMED!!!

Circa 1983

Jimmy, are you a retard? What part of this is a Star Wars themed birthday party didn't you understand?

I'm sorry.

Hey Jimmy, it's you that looks like the clown, not us.

Dino Crisis!!!

Yes, I agree, the dino problem is... A problem. We must gather our forces against the coming days of darkness and the eventual takeover of the dinosaurs. But I thin-



What was that darling? I'm in the middle of a conversation with-

No you're not Zach. Put down the phone and stop talking to yourself.

Dammit woman, how many times I got to tell you not to mention that in public. When I speak into the phone, I AM TALKING to somebody on it. Get it?

Zach, you worry me, you really do.

Look, I'm taking those God awful pills the doctor gave me. What more do you want? Now let me get back to my job damn it! I'm trying to save the world from those foul beasts from the depths known only as Dinosaurs.

Zach, please. You've got to stop this obsession with the dinosaurs. They aren't coming back to life. They died millions of years ago, you have nothing to worry about darling.

THEY ARE COMING BACK!!! THEY ARE!!! THEY ARE!!! THEY ARE!!!

Please Zach. You're making a scene. Listen, calm down and why don't you have a chat with your pal Simon tonight. He may be able to reassure you.

But Simon is a bastard.

I know he is. He's also a cunt but that's not the issue here. How about calling him tonight?

He never picks up his cell phone an-

How about an online chat?

Yes! Good plan.

---

LATER THAT NIGHT.

Dinohunter_Zach262: Hey buddy, how's it going?

Sybastard: Fine, fine. Just been blackmailing a girl I know :) If she doesn't pay me 15,000 bucks I'm going to tell her husband we've been banging each other.

Dinohunter_Zach262: Why?

Sybastard: Cuz I'm a right bastard and I love money. Hehe!

Dinohunter_Zach262: Jane asked me to talk to you because she says I'm obsessing over dinosaurs again.

Sybastard: Shit! Again with the fucking dinos. Stop watching Jurassic Park and fucking pull yourself together man!

Dinohunter_Zach262: Oh!

Sybastard has left the chat.

Dinohunter_Zach262: Simon? Hello? Simon you still there? Dammit Simon! You are such a bastard!

Git Money, Git Paid.

Dragnet Music Video.

Dragnet music video, Dan Ackroyd and Tom Hanks. Rapping.

Vagrant Fiddle Hero : World Tour

Good God, you got 100% for Ozzy's 'Crazy Train' on Expert. I've never seen anybody reach more than four stars for that song, especially on that difficulty. Matter of fact, I don't think I've ever seen 'Vagrant Fiddle Hero : World Tour' playing as good as that in my entire life!

YouToobeen Framed.

No, no! Delicately remove his shoes and steal his socks.

His socks? Are you sure about this, old uncle Thomas?

Yeah, absolutely! He'll wake up and be like, "whoa, looks like I nodded off for a second there, how long was I asleep?". Then he'll think, "...wait a sec, my feet feel strange. Am I not wearing any socks? Did I put any socks on this morning? Why the fuck would I not put on any socks?!". He won't know what the hell is going on. If we set up the video camera behind that other tree over there, we can YouTube the fuck out of his reaction.

Trout!

A Trifle Awkward

Ginthi, I will give you 20 rupees if you eat this trifle made from goat's milks... And it's piss.

You have got a fucking deal.

Dere Vill Bee Blud

DRAINAGE!!!

Joe Ratzinger: God Cop

STOP IN THE NAME OF THE LORD!!! Okay you slimey piece of Godless trash, stick them hands up and start praying cause your ass is going straight to hell for your sins. You think you can just have intercourse out of wedlock? Not on my watch Mister! You think you can use the Lord's name in vein? I don't think so! God is watching and he doesn't like what he sees. So I'm taking you in pal and there ain't a thing you can do about it because I'm The Pope see!!!

Who Ever Said PC Games Were Crap?

William James Mercer Cowell.

Oh, hell. My neighbour's retarded daughter has pulled together a bunch of her stupid little friends in an attempt to create a teenage singing group. They're practicing their dance steps right now on the front yard. With all of my wealth of experience, I could probably offer them a little advice ... hey girls ... you need to make friends with a fat black girl and include her into your shitty little 'band' if you ever want to achieve anything!

Wintons!

Very tiny Wintons! Be careful, they're attracted to the light.

Playing Alone Is Like Drinking Alone.

Holy shit, Don! You massacred, like, seven cops just there! Your wanted level is, like, six stars now! You better find a safe house or they'll send in the army to take you down. Seriously, man. I've seen it happen before, they'll actually send in the army with a bunch of tanks to blow you the hell up! Do you have a safe house nearby? You'll probably need to steal a decent car or something. You'll need a set of wheels to stand a chance, because you won't survive just on your own ... oh, wait. No. You won't. Because you're outside. In real life. You dumb shit. You can't kill people in real life by hitting the B button at the right time. There's an old lady watching you across the road, and she's thinking 'what the fuck?'. Seriously, I'm going to have to go someplace else right now. I can't be friends with you.

Proposition 244.

It is clear that we need to channel all of our interests into a manageable list of aggregated properties. For example, as it stands we are listed as fans of 'Tia', 'Tamera', 'Ray' and 'Roger'. With 'Proposition 244', we could save space and create an all-encompassing entity by simply stating that we are fans of 'Sister Sister'. With this dynamic way of thinking, we could consolidate our 18,354 interests, groups and 'fans of' into a streamlined, manageable 250. With 'Proposition 244' we will no longer be so bogged-down with the administrative time it takes to view the 1,356 people who are trying to 'friend' us every day, due to our being interested in so many things. Friends, the time is now. Please vote 'yes' on 'Proposition 244' for a better Facebook.

Amish Bus.

Amish Bus, comin' through! C'mon guys, get your Amish while they're still kind, impressionable, God-fearing folk! Uh ... just, uh, don't do anything awful with the young one. It's pretty obvious which one she is. Remember, if you do, it'll be all of us ending up in butt-rape state pen'. Don't be selfish, now.

The Story Of Barnold

Welcome everyone to this special presentation of Digital Practice. Mike name, sorry, I meant to say my name, Anyway, welcome, yes welcome to another episode of Digital Practice with me, your host: Doctor Kroctor. My name is Doctor Kroctor. Yes it is. And with me tonight is a lovely lady, Jolene wasn't it?

It's Joanne, Doctor.

And with me is Joanne Doctor and her son-

No Doctor. My name is Joanne Broon. Not Joanne Doctor.

And with me is Joanne Broon. Now being a doctor yourself, you must have noticed something was wrong with-

I'm not a doctor.

You're not?

No. You're the doctor.

Well, make up your mind woman. I know I'm a doctor.

Sorry.

With me is Jo Broon and her son Barnold. Now Jo, you must have notic-

Ah, sorry to interrupt you again. But my son's name is Arnold.

And?

You, ah, you called him Barnold.

What? Silly woman. Can we please continue?

Sorry.

With me is Mum of Two; Jolene Brooke and her son, Barnold. Now Jo, you've got Three children so when Barnold came along, you must have noticed there was something different about him. Yes?

I don't have any other children. I only have Arnold.

...... And whether or not you have any children whatsoever, you must have seen Barnold was different.

In what way?

In any way. Any way at all.

Arnold isn't a good swimmer.

YES! Yes, exactly!

Yes, what exactly? I don't understand.

That's right! Because you can't! Because Barnold is different and that's why you've come on the show today. It's okay, I'm a doctor.

I know Doctor Kroctor.

Oh you do eh? And how long have you known this Doctor Kroctor character?

Ah, he's, I mean, you've been our GP for the last Seven years.

Yes, and don't you forget it neither. Of course I know of what you're speaking being Doctor Kroctor myself and being a doctor and everything. But that's besides the point. After studying Barnold for many, many weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds and nanoseconds what do you make of it all?

......................

Well?

Oh sorry, were you aiming that question at me?

Yes, of course I was, Barnold's Mum.

But I'm here for you to give me your opinion.

Yes you are! Haha! Yes you are. Do you think he may be a threat to others? Guns? Knives? Weapons of mass destruction? That kind of thing?

Are you saying my son is or could be a terrorist.

Could be. No, no, of course not. That's for the authorities to decide.

I brought Barnol- I mean Arnold here today because he looks a little peaky. You don't think he's running a fever do you?

I think we're about out of time. Thank you for joining us, myself Doctor Kroctor and this lady, plus child type creature and I hope you'll join us next time on Digital Practice. And remember, oh fiddlesticks! I forgot the fucking catch phrase. Yes, remember, brush your teeth and whatnot. See you soonly!!! Goodbye!!!

Simon The Bastard

Ho, ho, ho!!! No, I'm not Santa Claus. I'm ho, ho, ho-ing because I just had sex with Three skanky ass hos. Pretty good sex too. Shame about their faces. But that's what eyelids were invented for right? If you haven't guessed it already, I'm a cunt. I'm the sort of guy that writes filthy emails to my work colleagues. Female work colleagues mind you, I ain't no gay. I write threatening emails to the queer guys in the office too just to tease them. Hey, I'm just playing. They don't see it that way the uptight fags. I'm going on a vacation to Malta in a few weeks, can't wait. I'm going to romance some women while there. You know, the usual fuck them senseless, pretend I'm in love with them and want to marry them, then fuck right off 'cause I'm just that kinda guy.

A Little Reich N' Roll Anyone???

Beefeating.

Hey-Hey-Hey! Anybody here request a Beefeater to teach their son the rewarding art of carpentry?

I did. My son is right there, get to work.

You see that bench, lad? That bench has a big dent. Do you see that big dent? Good. You can dent virtually anything if you apply enough force to it. Benches, metal piping and casings, animal skulls ... are you keeping up with this knowledge bomb I'm about to detonate? I can talk slower if you need me to.

Eddie Charizard.

Holy Crap, Dirt Bike! By J. Sparks.

Holy crap! Another quickie video for Friday!

You never know when things will suddenly become EXTREME!

Available in HD where available.

Richard III

This horse fucking rocks! My kingdom was well worth this horse and then some!

Mermaids!

Haircunt And A Blowjob

Ooo, you kinky bugger you.

I know darling. He was like, so into me at the club.

So what happened then you sexy sod?

Well he asked me if he could like, buy me a drink. And I was all like, "kay". Then he asked if I wanted to make love in this club. Y'know, like the Usher song?

Uh-huh. And? C'mon you randy bitch, what happened next?

Oh yeah, I've been out in the sun a lot lately and I'm like, in fear that my extensions might have been bleached, you know, by the sun.

C'mon. Tell me what happened.

Let's just say, it was quite erotic darling. Quite erotic indeed.

You slut, you.

Local Radio.

Tom Selleck, by J. Sparks.

Also available in HD (where available).

Popeye-dell

So Jack, how'd your surprise marriage proposal go with Kelly last night?

You remember that one Klytus dude?

Who?

From the movie Flash Gordon.

Flash Gordon? You mean the movie with that one Jew Topol?

Yeah man, the fiddler on the fucking roof alright. That Flash Gordon. I mean, how many Flash Gordons has there been?

Flash Gordon, yeah man, yeah. "Gordon's alive???" Fucking Blessed man, love that guy.

Yeah, we've established what movie I'm talking about now Kyle, let's move on.

So how'd the proposal go then?

I'm trying to tell ya. Anyway, you know that Klytus dude?

Yeah, fella that wore that gold mask. Looked a bit like Iron Man.

Yeah, well you remember how he died in Flash Gordon.

Hmm... It's been a while but didn't he fall on a spike in Vultan's kingdom? Yeah, he did. I remember how grossed out I was when his eyes popped out his head. What about it?

Well, that's how well it went.

Fuck man.

The Chris Martin Legacy

Hop Scotch, diddley-pop. Make the whole world Fairtrade is what I say. I'll put it in a song. Come on, it's all clocks and yellow from now on. I married a film star, you know. That makes me special. But why can't I be Brad Pitt in the bedroom? Why can't I be Brad Pitt in life for that matter? I look as if I should be serving some scummy coffee in a greasy spoon somewhere don't I? It's all that saving the world and the whales and all the rest of that humanitarian shit that I've been up to. It's taken it's toll on me and that toll is MADNESS!!! Can I play with it, that's what Iron Maiden asked. Hate them. Stupid old rockers who don't embrace their softer more feminine sides. Coldplay have sold a shit load of records and are the world's best band. That's why I wear all those funky coats because I am like a general of the planet. When our alien brothers and sisters arrive one day, it will be I, Chris Martin, not Brad Pitt who will represent the human race as it's leader. And while you're at it, I think his moustache is gay.

Female Bodybuilders.

Ahmed's All Organic Diner.

I've gotta say Ahmed, your restaurant is pretty shitty. I mean, for starters you've got us all sat on the floor. You won't let us sit on that sweet-looking bench over there. The food, pizza, was clearly purchased from across the road at that Pizza Hut outlet. And like, you're charging double what clearly costs only 4.99 - judging by what that huge advertising banner Pizza Hut have in their window says. Also, there's no roof to this place - there's gutter rain pissing all across the floor. You've got no art on the walls, and ... uh, the 'ambient music' you're playing on the boombox is Edwyn Collins. Edwyn fucking Collins, dude! And it's being totally drowned out by the sounds coming from the building site down the road. I'm telling you man, I don't mean to be pointing any fingers or anything - but there's no way Renee Zellweger has eaten here. You're full of shit.

Stagnancy, by J. Sparks.

Oops! A surprise video for Friday.

Voice from above - I'd recommend to click the video (itself) in order to view it on my YouTube page. The video here is cropped to fit within the perimeters of this webpage, and is not visible in it's intended 16:9 format. It's also available in lovely old HD on the YouTube page (provided you have the means to watch it in HD).

Engines!

George Carlin.

A few moments of recognition to the greatest comedian of all time.

The Brotherhood Of Agitated Samaritans.

Holy shit! An angry mob! Wait a second, what the fuck is this all about!?

We're the 'Brotherhood of Agitated Samaritans'.

What the hell is that? Why are you throwing bread at me with such frenzy?

This is what we do. We gather together, get all pissed off, stalk the streets looking for those in need and, y'know, we furiously throw bread to them. It's fucking charity, man! You should be more grateful. If motherfuckers did this shit to me, I'd be like; "Man, you motherfuckers are alright! This is some good bread. Why don't you sit with a motherfucker and we'll share this shit out, and maybe we'll all get together later and hook up with some bitches...". But no, you had to be a whining pussy.

Recession's Over!

Hey you, cheer up! The recession is over! Wealth is abundant!



"Oh shit, I blew an old man for £30 today."

The Unnecessarily Large Restroom.

Continuing our tour of the Museum Of Unnecessarily Large Antiquities, we arrive at this unnecessarily large restroom. Provided by the Masons, the doors themselves are manufactured from solid oak and are three feet in width ... which are, uh, really inconvenient when you need to piss at short notice.

Keeping Your Refrigerator Stocked Will Get You Many Women.

Mr. Chi City's videos are pretty funny.

1984

Oh baby... Hot chocolate. Yeah, that's right hot legs, take it all off... No, no, sloooooooowly baby. Slowly. Yeah, that's right, take that dress off real slow and all sexy like... Hmm... Yeah baby, I'm hotting up. You're giving me a right bonk on. Now pull down them panties and get ready to rock my cock.

Malcolm, I just got those speadsheets in from Birmingham and- What are you doing?

Ah... Nothing.

(Awkward silence.)

Okay, okay, I was just busting a nut. Happy?

That's a screen of binary.

I know.

Boy, are you going to love it in the future when the Internet is invented and you are able to type dirty messages to people over it and engage in what will be come to be known as "Cybersex".

What? How do you know all that will happen in the future?

I'm a Cylon.

A what?

Nothing. Just get back to work.

Twitter.

I am a Twit.