This Ain't A Scene.

I don't know chief, I don't see how I could possibly despatch any targets with this plastic gun. I doesn't actually fire anything.

Ah, but you see - that's the genius of it! Go ahead and squeeze that trigger ... You hear that automatic 'rat-at-tat!' sound? Yeah, well that's gonna put the fear of God into any target. Your enemies won't die of a bullet wound, but I guarantee that they will shit their pants. Two-thirds of all combat is psychological, man. Maybe.

Ye Olde Days III

Ding, dong! Well hello gorgeous.

Yes? Can I help you with something?

Oh yes, I'm sure you can. I was just sitting over there playing some tunes on this here harp o' mine and I couldn't help but notice a fine looking honey like yourself.
Excuse me kind Sir but you are mis-

No, no, excuse me dear lady. For I am declaring my undying love for you right here and now. You must be mine. I must take you are my wife.

Uh-huh. You know I'm a guy right?

Wha?

That's right Romeo. Fuck off and let me read my gigantic book will ya.

You May Saftly Spunk

Jizz In My Pants
By
Incredibad

(Featuring a cameo by J.T)

Wankhead.

Hey, wait a sec - have you shaved a giant boner into the back of my head?

Absolutely not. It looks like a dong from that angle because ... uh ... of 'shadow'.

Dr. Smith Recommends Natural Remedies.

Your teeth are in pretty bad shape. Seeing as they're already so shitty, would you mind if I go ahead and 'ultimate tsunami drop-kick' them the fuck out?

Pineapple Rangs.

You kids had better grab yourselves each a plate, looks like Grandpa's just about roasted.

Mastermind!

May we have our next contestant?

Hi, my name is Terrence Whelan.

And what is your specialised subject?

Bastard Crisps.

Scary NES Ad.

Grandfather's Spread.

This feast looks great, Grandfather!

Oh, I'm glad you're happy with it! You know, I made that bread, cut that salad and squeezed the lemons for that lemonade with my bare hands. Just think about that for a second ... my hideously scarred, fingernail-less, wrinkly old man hands twisting, wringing and clenching your food. Tuck in.

Mayhem!

You're pregnant? Oh, that's wonderful news! Oh you know what, you are so blessed. This news has really made my day. Here, please accept this 'Fist Of Triumph' as a gift of prosperity ... oh, and don't forget - I will ruthlessly crush your child with my 'Fist Of Reckoning' if he dares to defy Venom.

Ye Olde Days II

Oh William! Thank the Lord, you have returned safe and sound from the war.

Get your hands off me woman! I've just spent the best part of Three years over in that Godforsaken land and this is how you greet me? In a dress?!!!

But William, what was I suppose to wear?

Why, nothing of course! Look at all the rest of the wives here. They aren't wearing a stitch.

But darling, these soldiers don't have wives.

That's not the point! Look at Farnsworth here, he is thoroughly disgusted. Aren't you Farnsworth? See? Even Fansworth is disappointed in you. But not as disappointed as I am.

I am so very sorry William.

No need to worry dear. Just get rid of the dress and show everyone your lovely cunt. After all, you have such a beautiful cunt.

Bird-Watching Vacation.

Hey, look!

Is it a bird?

No, it's a plane. A plane taking people on real vacations.

Fone.

Miss Smith, this 'telephone' system doesn't work. I can hear Wong say; "Spit-Roast! Spit-Roast! Burp inside your fanny!" without having to hold this tin can to my ear. If anything, it's making it more difficult to hear him.

Camping.

Oh, I guess by asking; "Who wants to go camping in the mountains?", you were actually asking; "Who wants to climb a tall hill and live like a hobo for two weeks?".

The Browngrocer Returns

Hi-dee-hi, tis your local discount value Browngrocer. Nice to see you dropping by the shop again. Anything I can interest you in? I've recently been in France at a browngrocer's convention and I've brought back some interesting items that may tickle your fancy. Want to perhaps try the Funpple? There's a lot of fun in this fungus ridden apple I can tell ya. Or perhaps your a person of discerning taste and would like to try the exotic delicacy of the Moldana. Yes, it's moldy, yes it's bananay and yes it's tasty. Not even Alexander Fleming could resist this little delight. Oh, okay, how about you just take this out of date Asparagus. It'll make your piss stink. Come back again now.

Ye Olde Days

You summoned me my love?

Yes I did. Wife, it's no good. You'll just have to go and get my slippers.

But my darling, you are wearing them.

I know that. This cushion is too lumpy and another thing. The castle is too cold. I can't feel my slippers. Throw that picture of the queen that's behind me into the fire and warm me will you lover?

That's your mother dear.

Yes, throw her in too.

Super Movie Event #1

For the movie goer who wants EVERYTHING from a motion picture.

http://www.k-20.jp/

Grand Designs.

The upstairs reception services the single bedroom with en-suite bathroom, the study and the main bathroom.

Great. Hey, what's this little room on the left?

That's your 'Rave Cave'.

Baux Office.

Two tickets for 'Naked Corridor', that'll be £12.50. Sir, do you realise this film has subtitles?

Oh, thank fuck for that! I don't speak Swedish.

HAPPY 10TH ANNIVERSARY!!!

THE PHANTOM MENACE WAS RELEASED ON MAY 19TH, 1999

HAPPY BIRTHDAY STAR WARS!!!

MAY YOU REIGN FOR MANY MORE TENS OF YEARS.

Solitaire!

Dureetoes.

Oh, shit. You keep your crisps in the freezer? I mean ... wow ... what the hell is that about!? I'm sorry, Tim. I can't be your friend any more.

Frankenstein Race.

Thank God It's Friday... The 13th

Know what James? This was a great idea getting back to nature and all that shit.

Yeah, I have the odd good idea now and then. Plus your dog needed a walk and my beard needed a good airing.

Yeah, I noticed it was getting kinda musty.

Curses of being an office worker.

I hear ya there man. So how far we walking today?

Oh, not far. Just another mile. We should be at Crystal Lake before dark.

Crystal? Like those slasher flicks?

Wha? What you talking about man?

Nothing.

CHEE-CHEE-CHEE-HA-HA-HA!!!

Fuck was that?

What?

Didn't you hear that sound?

What sound?

That fucking chi-chi-he-hee thing.

I didn't hear nothing.

CHEE-CHEE-CHEE-HA-HA-HA!!!

There it was again!

I didn't hear anything. Sure it wasn't a wolf or something?

It wasn't a fucking wolf. I know what a wolf sounds like and that weren't no wolf. I know what I heard man.

CHEE-CHEE-CHEE-HA-HA-HA!!!

Shit man! That ain't no wolf. That's Jason fucking Voorhees I'm telling you.

Jason who?

From Friday The 13th. Big dude, machete?

Oh hockey mask dude? Yeah, well Phil, sounds like you've seen too many horror movies is what I think.

Dude, I was too frightened to watch Ghostbusters. I am telling you Jason Voorhees is out there. We need to turn back.

We're not turning back Phil. Stop being a fucking queer and-

CHEE-CHEE-CHEE-HA-HA-HA!!!

Oh fuck!!!

SARS: A Life In Romance

This photo encompasses every aspect of love and romance.

That's not an opinion, that's a fact.

Gravy Therapy.

That's a pretty nasty-looking infection you've got there, son. I suggest six to twelve weeks of intensive 'Gravy Therapy'. I'll just go ahead and fill you out a prescription. We'll have you drinking that shit day and night, but remember; the thicker, colder and more oniony the gravy is - the better you'll feel. Possibly.

The Body Builder

Ah, you know I was taking those steriods? Well I think they worked.

Money For Old Rope

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!! 80 bucks!!! Nigga please. I'm fixing to have a heart attack right here. That bill is way too much for what I ate!!!

Is there a problem Sir?

Is there a problem?!!! Hell yeah, there's a problem!!! Problem is, your restaurant charges too much player!!!

Please don't make a scene Sir.

Make a scene?!!! Make a scene?!!! I had one tinny, tiny salad and a glass of water!!! Fine, fine, I'll pay your extortionate prices. But I won't be back. Hey, why you looking at me like that player? I paid your Goddamn bill didn't I?

The tip?

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA??????

Cosby Got To Cross, Son.

Shovel.

Werther's Originals

You know Jimmy, when I was a young boy my Grandfather used to give me Werther's Original. Oh the taste, so thick and creamy and uncommonly good.

They do look good.

Hush now child. As I was saying, now I'm the grandfather and I'm giving you a Werther's. Here my boy, take this in your mouth.

But Grandpa, I don't wanna.

Come on son, just put it in your mouth it will taste nice I promise.

Grandpa no! Please!



OH MY GOD DAD!!! What do you think you're doing???

Why, I'm just offering little Jimmy here a lovely Werther's Original.

No you're not Dad, that's your penis!!! Now get your fucking penis away from my son's mouth! Right fucking now!!!

But son, I was just offering him a Werther's.

No Dad, that's not a Werther's, that's your old, shrivelled up cock. Now get out of my house right now!!!

But son?

You are never welcome here again.

Just one Werther's before I leave. They're so thick and creamy and-

OUT!!!

My Favorite Ever Movie Trailers.

Where The Wild Things Are. The only film I'm interested in seeing this year.



The Holy Mountain. I have seen this movie a thousand times, and I still have no idea what the hell it's all supposed to mean.



Starcrash. Fuck Star Wars.



Posession. Yes, that is Sam Neill.

Derelict Express.

You don't need to strap that saddle to your back, dude. We're going to ride a different Derelict Express ... like, one with less lice.

Marmaduke Duke Are Biffy Clyro!

Rubber Lover
By
Marmaduke Duke

The Wilbrahams On: Neighbours

Of course this part of Hampshire used to be so nice.

Such a nice place to live.

Quite so. Lovely in fact.

Until...

Yes, until those... Those unsavoury types moved in across the street.

The children are afraid.

Yes, our children are scared to go out after dark.

I'm frightned too.

Yes, that's right. Even my dear wife Hoslin is uneasy about their presence in the neighbourhood.

Used to be such a nice neighbourhood.

Quite.

Peppers doesn't care for them either. That's our dog. And neither does Reginald. Do you sweetheart?

No, I most certainly do not! They are the wrong sort entirely.

Hoodie folk.

Yes, hoodies and baggy trousers and dodgy looks your way. Unsettling to say the least.

The daughter has got Two children and there is no father to be seen.

Good point Hoslin. Yes, they have a teenage girl and she is an unwed mother.

Of Two!

Yes, of Two.

One bastard child is bad enough.

One is terrible.

But Two!

Two is absolutely awful. Yes, quite awful. And the fella, he never seems to work.

Stays at home all day.

So does his wife.

They're not married dear. It's her boyfriend.

Dear God, what a state to be in. Unemployed and unmarried.

A crime.

Yes, to them AND us.

But mostly to God.

Yes, yes, he's watching. He's always watching.

Watches us as we sleep.

Now, now Hoslin, let's not get silly. The point is, we are upperclass people who like our decent lives and don't want...

I think the word you are looking for Reginald is "Trash".

Yes, we don't want trash making our tidy, perfect lives unsettled.

Upsetting the apple cart so to speak.

Yes by these... These...

Hooligans.

Yes. Bloody hooligans!

Maybe the family will move.

Yes, or all die in a fire. Either is fine with me.

Oh Reg, you do jest.

Do I? Oh yes, of course I do... Of course I do.

Mama.

Land-Mine Fun Run.

I'm running 20 kilometres for infant land-mine victims this weekend. Would you sponsor me?

Oh hey, I'd love to help ... but I'm afraid I'm very, very tightfisted.

Knight Sweats

Take that foul doer!!! I Sir Percival shall strike you down where you stand and- WHAT THA??? HUBBA HUBBA!!! I think I'm in lurrrrrrrrv!!! I'll take care of you dreaded black knight after I gets me a date with that foxy babe!!!

Eat Shit

Taiwan - Present Day

Hey Chen, this was great idea coming to toilet themed restaurant.

Yeah, yeah Bai, I even heard that famous Mr. Huntry from Toilet Commission, he been here to restaurant. He come all the way from Great Britain.

Wow. Oh, oh, here come my poo-poo ice cream and your shitty rice.

Superstar Soccer Skills!

Yeah, what you're doing is pretty impressive and everything, but if you want to be included in this year's 'Generally Very Absurd Soccer-Related Skills Championship', then you need to ditch the standard plastic ball and start practicing with a motherfuckin' mahogany globe atlas.

Chicken Henry

Bunch o' them ole' folks, they call me Chicken Henry on account of the fact I raise me chickens. Always have, since I been a little'un. Oh yeah, I feed 'em on that there layers mash and keep 'em all comfy like. Y'know, I may look a bit ass-backwards and you'd probably think I'm a hick from hicksville but I'm not. I'm in tune with that there modern folks from Hollywood. Take that Lady Gaga and her pokerface. Corrr, I'd love to poke-her-face. She looks just like David Bowie and I bet she tastes just as nice too.

Southern Justice

Fuckin' hit him Jimmy. You know he's had it coming!!!

No, please don't Jimmy, c'mon man, I didn't mean to. Please.

No way Karl, I told ya, I done told ya not to didn't I? What'd I say bitch?

You- You said, I could-

I said, you can date my Sister Shelly but what'd I say??? WHAT'D I SAY!!!

You said- You said not to fuck her none.

And what'd you do Karl???

I fucked her?

Yeah you fucked her and now you're gonna pay Karl. You saw that Jesus dude in that one film by Mel Gibson?

Passion of the-

That's right. Well I'm gon' beat you ten times more and ten times worse than that Lord and Saviour dude with this here branch of tree.

That Kid Is In Our Damn Bathroom, Again...

Fuckin, by Ray Winstone.

Hat Race!

Brenda's Ice Cream Emporium.

You know what, Brenda? The quality of this ice cream and the size of the scoops you serve almost ... almost ... makes up for how badly it smells of burp in this place.

Fishing Creek Fantasies.

Palin : The Movie.

Med-EVIL

Oh, I am so happy, today on our most splendid wedding day my husband.

I too my sweet. For today it is, that you are to wear the chastity belt.

The what?

As my wife, hence my personal property, you are to wear this chastity belt which I have lovingly constructed for you. You will put your vagina inside the belt so no other man may touch you whilst I am away fighting the infidels in the Middle East. And it covers the buttocks too, so there'll be no buggery either. I have all aspects covered my sweet so don't get an ideas.

What about my mouth?

Shit.

Fish And Hicks

Ma' wife, she don't agree with me wearing a fish coat but I think it suits me. She's all into this fashion crap that all them city folk love. Wearing cottons and the such, it ain't right none. Me, I'm a simple man with simple pleasures and if I wanna walk into town with a fish coat on, well Goddamn it, I'm gon' do it. This is a free country and I'm a free man... At the moment. My court hearing is next week. I didn't mean no harm when I stuck that fella over the head with ma' shovel and stole his fish.

Do You Secretly Find Marco Pierre White Sexy?

Uh, like the aristocratic chefs of our time, say Angus Sharpei, Lionel Campbell-Wick-Green or even the great Catcher Bloc I have pioneered the way forward in food cuisine making people eat... Food. Hello, I'm Marco-

POLO!!!

Shut it. I hate it when that happens. I won't stand for that kind of language in my fucking restaurant. Hello, you know who I am. I'm that chef from off Hell's Kitchen on the telly. Allow me to speak to you using only words. Yes, of course it was this morning that worried me the most. Not that I awoke without my penis, and no, not that I have noticed that I am starting to go bald. An ugly man such as myself doesn't have these problems. What I don't lose in hair, I make up with wrinkles. No it was the alarming rate to which I have started wearing that dishcloth, scarf-ish thing on my head. Making me look, yes, okay a little bit arabbie. Or is that arabic? Who cares, that's nots the points to which I am reflecting ats. Sorry for my unnecessary use of S at the end of some words but it had to be done.

I know a lot of people think me, oh, what would you say, sullen? I know I seem like I have the grump all the time but really, I don't. I'm a happy chappy really. Just ask Claire Sweeney. She thinks I'm hot stuff. She thinks I'm sexy and truth be told, so does most of Britain and some of the Americas. Yes, even the men. I even caught a glimpse of myself in my bedroom mirror the other day and I was stunned at what I saw. Yeah, it turned me on when I look as good as King Kong. I am sexy damn you!. Fucking sexy in fact. You may or may not know this, but I have dated some of the world's most beautiful women including Ingrid Bergman and football slag; Nancy Dell'Olio but I had to end my sexualism with her because she tasted like baldness. I can only imagine she must have picked that vibe up from that Sven-Göran Eriksson fella. But to hell with women, cooking in my one and only true love. And I'm going to keep it just for you so when you come into my restaurant I can materbate flavours all over you. That's right, I'm going to fuck your mouth with food.

You Are Not A Salmon.

Alice's Bakery.

I made this for you, Mother.

Oh hey, that's amazing. Thank you! Oh, but I couldn't possibly eat all of that on my own. How about you go ahead an' gobble that down, and I'll not spend the next hour wailing on you for dipping your shit-and-spit-covered paws into my goddamn pastry mix again. Lord knows you'll suffer enough already with all the salmonella in that thing, without me putting bruises on you.

Bingo'ing!

Ha-Ha-Ha! Would anybody care to blow on these balls for luck, before I draw them?

OH! For fuck's sake, enough with the ball jokes! Honestly, somebody's gonna get a D.I.Y. hysterectomy in this motherfucker if I hear another; "the balls are dropping ... the balls are hot tonight ... the balls are small" or, "Hey Joe, would you empty your balls into my little chamber...". Honestly, just give me a fuckin' reason!

Alright, calm down. These lousy jokes are only being used to distract your attentions away from the shitty cucumber sandwich 'grand prize' we've got on offer.

Wilkin's Slave Emporium.