Tuba Fish.

Son, there's a reason I brought you out here today.

Yeah?

I'm not getting any younger and so I think it's time I passed onto you a cherished family heirloom. Our family's beautiful 1892 brass Tuba. Your great-grandfather used it to play Mussorgsky's 'La Grande Nouvelle' to Alfonso XIII on New Year's Eve 1900. Yes, this fine instrument carries with it a lot of history... just remember to water it twice a day.

William James Mercer : Halloween.

Halloween yesterday. Not a single 'trick-or-treater' came knocking at my door. Which kind of kills the misconception that children these days have very short attention spans, as they must have remembered the shock of a yacht battery wired up to my doorbell last year...

The Cure.

If you'll just relax for a moment, I'll go ahead and strangle the hell out of you. That ought to take care of your pesky fractured wrist.

Hot Wheelz.

How'd you like the new wheels?

Depends on what its being used to extend - the tiny penis in your underwear, or the tiny penis attached to your forehead.

You ever thought about getting those solar panels installed in your home?

Nah. We get all the electricity we need from wires which connect to our house from someplace...

Mother Lover.

I want you to stop bothering my mother. I don't know how you can sleep at night knowing what perverse messages you leave on her voicemail.

I will cease pestering your delightful mother, but will she cease bothering me...?

Oh Well, I'm Not Well Again.

We've noticed poachers have been taking our livestock in the dead of night. We need you to patrol the ranch to stop further losses.

Sure thing. I'll keep my eye out... well, my Jap's eye.

Deserving Of A Biscuit.

Mr. Thomas, are you ok? You've been frozen in that spot, staring at that photo for ten minutes now. What's the photo of, anyways?

It is a photo of a dog's penis... it is perhaps the most beautiful penis I have ever witnessed.

School Of Etiquette.

We're going to apply what we've learned today into a kind of 'role-playing' exercise. My wife will play the role of the female. Mr Mercer, please step forward and demonstrate how you, a gentleman, would attempt to court this lady?

Well, I'd raise my arm and 'thwack' the back of my hand against her forehead...

No! That is incorrect. Try and remember what you've been taught today.

Ok... Well, I suppose I'd stagger toward this inferior creature with my jacket button undone and my trouser...

Hat, Mr. Mercer!

Hat! I'd tip my hat at her! That's the one. Gee, this course is very difficult.

Who Needs a Movie?

Pvt. Parts.

Hey - nice work on getting a campfire going! Although its a pretty mild night for a fire, why'd you bother making it?

We're each going to dip our dicks and balls into the fire.

What?! You'll burn your nuts off! Why would you even consider doing such a stupid thing?!

Sgt. Joseph says that burning your cock makes it tough and super-strong. Who are we to argue?

Periodic Pains.

Mr Lewis, the operation was a complete success. I have to say, I think you're absolutely beautiful... inside and out!

Old Folks Homo.

You know what? For a grumpy, incontinent, old hag... you're not so bad! You're probably my favourite patient of this entire hospital, Mrs. Kennedy. Oh, and for the record, I would totally muff-you-out if you ever wanted me to.

Inheritance.

Wow - Thanks for spunking my future inheritance on this shitty aeroplane, dad! Its comforting to know that you, a man with absolutely no prior piloting experience, will crash and burn along with this shitheap if you ever manage to get this thing into the air.

Hot Tub.

Thank you for allowing ourselves the time to meet with you, Principal Matthews.

No problem, what can I do for you?

Well. I want your school to fatten up my kid. Like, really fatten this little bitch up. I'd do it myself, but I can't be bothered to invest any time into such a project. Plus, y'know, if you do it for me, I can totally hold you responsible and shift the blame onto your shoulders. I aim to sell this 'heartbreaking' story to a shitty magazine for a few grand, and buy the sweet-ass hot tub I want. This is just about the most iron-clad scheme I've ever thought up - what do you think about it, are you in...?

On The Ocean Waves Part 1

Hey Reg, you know what?

Eh what's that Tim?

I'd say my beard is more attractive than yours old boy.

Really? Do tell.

My beard hugs my face tighter than yours.

Hey friend, you're right! My beard just loiters on my chin here, while you're building an entire society on your face.

Quite so Reg. Quite so.

You know, I really do love being in the Merchant Navy Tim. I think I have the best hairstyle for it.

Reg, I admit defeat, you're hair is worth a trophy.

If you like the hair on my head. You should see my pubic region.

I think I'm going to have to borrow your cigarette for that one Reg.

Convoy

Will be with ya in Two shakes, jus' writin' a threatin' text to friend o'mine. Yep. Bin doin' this job for nye on Forty years, I'll tell ya what. Made a good livin' outta drivin' this here truck. Ma wife, she just don't understand the lure of the job. But me, I like to git on out there on the open road, truckin' along, singin' a song. Git me cock sucked by the local floozies too. I take that as one of the perks of my job. I'm even writing me'self a book. It's a crossword puzzle about life on the road. TRANSPORTIN'. It's even got some murder in there for the ladies if you know what I mean. That's what a guy like me knows how to do. You can either presume I mean murder or transportin', s'all the same to me. Big load of meat in my trailer and my pants. Nah, nah I'm jus' kiddin' around wit' y'all... But I do have a big cock, the floozies will tell you that. Big ol' balls too. Ain't braggin', just tellin' y'all the truth.

Enlisting.

Sir, I'm very interested in joining your infantry. I am committed to offer my life for Queen, country and my fellow Cavalrymen. These are my references.

Let's see... 'Dry Bobbing'? ... 'Stinky finger'? ... 'Goose quill in the poop hole'? This isn't really a list of references, more a list of deviant sexual techniques you appear to be familiar with. What do you think, Sgt. Whatworth?

I think anybody with knowledge of 'Diddling with one foot on the floor and stones in the mouth' is already one third his way to becoming Lieutenant.

Crossword Contest.

I declare this evening's Crossword Contest to be the hit of the summer! So how about both of you leaky minges remove yourselves from your bodices, I'll unbutton my shirt, tilt my wig, we'll each light ourselves a Woodbine and seek us some motherfuckin' mayhem!

No dice. You're nothing but trouble! I won't allow my impressionable daughter to spend any time with you and whatever mayhem you seek.

My dear, I don't seek mayhem. Mayhem has a habit of seeking me...

Haiti Hospital.

The test shows you have a high blood pressure.

Oh no. Is it treatable?

Oh, absolutely. You'll be required to drop into the clinic for six-to-eight sessions of infant rape. You'll be working with 'Pamela', who is one of our leading Witch Doctors. She'll guide you through the whole process, and you'll need to visit me again at the completion of that course. We believe every ailment can be treated with some atrocious sodomy...

Jesus Saves

Oh dear little demon type creature, don't you realise that you can never be. You see, my Father wrote a book called The Bible and you my dear friend are not in it. You are a fictional creation from a man named Darwin. Nothing more. You see, when the Earth began, it was Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. Not all this Pangea rubbish with your lizards wandering about eating each other. No, no, it was as my Father wrote it in his book. So now do you understand why I must crush thee? I am presuming your little growl is a "yes". Good, good, now stand back dino breath because it's Jesus Time!!! That's a registered trademark by the way so no copying my shit because I know what you raptor folk are like.

River Deep, Mountain High

Please Dad, slow down. I'm tired.

Oh Peter, you are always the same. Do you know what you sound like? Let me show you..."Please daddy, my legs hurt." "Daddy, I need to sit down, I'm tired". See how pathetic you sound? Don't you understand this is real life. Not all that sitting about in front of the television or playing video games, getting fat and lazy like your mother would have you do.

I never called you Daddy. I'm too big for that now.

Please Peter, let's no be pedantic shall we.

But my legs DO hurt.

Stop moaning will you. We are almost there.

But we have been hiking up this rock for Two hours.

Don't you think I know that? I have a watch. In fact I had a watch long before you were even an idea in your mother's head. But let's not talk about your mother. This is our weekend.

You hate Mum don't you? That's why you got divorced isn't it?

What? Oh no. That's just not true Peter. I don't hate your mother. I just think she's a fucking cunt. That's all. Now save your energy my boy because we still have Six more miles of this shit.

Kerja Relon's Three Of The Best

Hey avid viewers of The Doctor's Surgery. Usually I would be providing you with some smutty or down right strange posts but today I want to talk to you about MUSIC.

As anyone who knows me can tell you, music is very important to me. I spend a lot of money on it. To be honest, without my record collection stored on my ipod, I would be a very bitter man.

I have a very varied taste in music but one of my favorite genres is rock/metal. Now I've noticed there are some great rock tracks out there that are very underrated and I want to share Three of them with you today. I think you will find these are very decent tracks indeed. Or maybe you won't.

Tarantula
By
The Smashing Pumpkins




Lessons Learned From Rocky I To Rocky III
By
Cornershop

Spoonman
By
Soundgarden

Weird Science

Alright you guys, my name is Mr. Morris and I've been asked to come to your school today to teach you all about the wonderful world of science and the science of the mind, that I like to call; "conscience". 'Citing stuff eh? Anyhoo, your headmistress; Mrs. Layla has told me you all have gots the autism thing so you might not understand all the exciting science shit I've got to tell you about. 'Kay, first thing, don't use the word "shit" because that is a bad word, and second; don't touch my shit here because it's my ORCA XI quantum time device. I spent a lot of time building it, not to mention a lot of money and I don't want you 'tards ruining it. To be honest anything I told you, you really wouldn't understand or even care about so fuck science, let's do anatomy 101 instead and we can all compare our penises and see who's is bigger. Sound good?

And If You Wanna Rock, Let's Turn This Mother Out!

Jesiah, I want you to listen to me very closely. Okay?

Sure, sure Abraham. What is it?

I told you that when we arrived in the New World, when we arrived in America I would take a wife yes?

Yes.

It is time my friend. Find me a Jewish Princess to whom I shall be wed.

But Abraham, how am to find this Princess of yours?

She will come to me.

But how will she know to find you?

All Jewish Princesses are attracted to money and power. And I have both... And you know it.

Big, Fat, FAQ-a-thon!

Hello lurkers.

It's that time of the year where I find myself working super-hard. Thank you for the 'where the fuck are you?' and 'why don't you post some shit?' emails. Truth is, I've another week of blisteringly hard work to do, and then I'm on vacation. I will post whenever I am able during that time. As I've already told Isildur119 - we've provided you with over 1,000 entries already. Just go back, revisit and be patient. Kerja Relon will doubtlessly post during my absence, and (frankly) I find his stuff a lot funnier than my own.

To save me having to reply to further emails (replying to emails uses up 'valuable' entry creation time), I shall now shoot a few FAQs right now;

- Vin Is Diesel is coming, albeit very slowly. It is a fake movie posters site, and not a YouTube skit/spoof of movies site as many of you have suggested. However, I love the sound of that and have explored the possibility of incorporating it into Vin Is Diesel.

- I have no plans to create a 'best of' site or book of the 'Doctor's Surgery's' best entries. Such a thing need not exist in this world. Although, I'll do one if enough of you drum up support.

- Ashanti comics died (it was only ever intended to be a short run of comics), although I've had a ton of ideas for new comics over the past fortnight or so. I may revisit this.

- I made contact with Scott Hedrick during August (or so) last year. The site offended him so I took it offline. I don't think he reallly understood the joke, but there you have it. We have moved on, and I wish him well. I'm aware there was a (small) campaign to fuck with him for not embracing what we did. Dumb idea, folks. Move on.

- I removed the links bar, as I was starting to receive shitty emails about 'advertising', 'branding' and 'opportunities' from some of the linked sites. Fuck that. Not for me.

I hope that helps. I've noticed the view count of this site has gradually gone up since February. Thanks for viewing. Thanks for emailing. Further content is on its way.

In the meantime, enjoy this;

Sexual Harassment (Goblin In The Office)

Nancy?

Yes Richard?

We've been working together for how long?

I don't know. About Four or Five years. Why?

Because I never done told you this before but when I first met you, I fancied the shit out of you. But as I got to know you in the last couple of years, I have fallen madly in love wit' you. I can't hold back my feelings any longer. I love you Nancy and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

What kind of fucking cunt do you take me for?

A Massive one my dear.

Pussy Galore

Hey Rob.

Hey Tom.

Doing the shopping for the Wife this week?

Yeah, you know how it is.

Actually I don't. I don't have a wife and am not interested in women in general.

Yeah... Um.

I haven't seen you in ages. How are you doing these days?

Not too bad. Business is good. And me and Kirsty are trying for another baby. How about you?

Oh I'm dying. In fact, I shouldn't even be here. I can't work with this disease. There. I said it out loud.

That's awful Tom. What is it? Cancer?

No. Nothing like that.

Is it a degenerative disease? Like Parkinson's or Huntington's?

No, not that kind.

It's not A.I.D.S is it?

Close. I have F.I.V.

F.I.V?

Cat A.I.D.S.

How the hell did you get that?

How do you think?

Bored Meeting

So what you're saying is the projections looks good for years 2011/12?

Well Mr. Gracie, all signs point to yes.

Bill, you've made me a very happy man. A job well done.

Thank you Mr. Gracie.

You know, I've run this company since my father was mauled to death in Nigeria almost Twenty years ago. And you know something, the Nigerian police never did find that lion. And of course, I had no choice but to take over this company.

But you always have a choice!

Shut up Frank. I didn't have a choice. It was my great-great-grandfather Kenwood Gracie who started this company, making hosiery in 1876 and by God, I wasn't going to see my family's legacy flushed down the toilet.

That's a lovely story Sir.

Is it Catherine? Is it really? Because I feel like I've wasted my life.

But Sir, you just said-

I know what I said woman! But I'm saying this now. I wanted to be a professional skateboarder. I could have been the next Christian Hosoi. But the company always came first. So I had to leave my days of half pipes and van shoes behind me and become a businessman like my Daddy.

And a fine businessman you have become Mr. Gracie. This company has never been so profitable.

But you know what? I don't care! Just sitting here with this hag over there and the rest of you balding ass clowns has made me realise.

How dare you call me a hag!

But you are a hag.

That's besides the point, what did you realise Sir?

Well Bill, I realised I'd been awakened. Like my soul had been forsaken. And all these rules I've got to break them. Break them down! Look at my face. My smile is out of place damn you all to hell!!!

You're turning very red Sir. Maybe you need a time-out.

I don't need no time-out, I need to fucking rock n' roll!!!!

Ah, yes Sir. That's great, but can we please continue going over the figures first?

Yeah, sure. I guess so.

90's Dating

Hey Jackie, how's that ad coming along?

Oh Beth, it's so hard to describe yourself on paper.

Well you know how these dating ads are. You just tell them a bit about yourself and what you're looking for in a partner.

Yeah? Go on.

Well you tell them that your name is Jackie and-

You know I don't like being called that. Only Mom calls me Jackie.

Okay, okay, so your name is Jack and you like baseball and motor sports and you have a good sense of humour...

And then what?

And you're looking for a woman... I don't know, whatever you're looking for in a woman. Just write that down.

Hey! Yeah! I understand exactly what you mean now. Come look!

Right, let's see... "Ball-licker wanted. To lick on balls and suck on pisser. "

What do you think Beth?

Hmm... It's catchy and to the point. I like it.

Cover Shot.

Smile for the camera... *click* Great! That's wonderful! This would be a great shot to use on the front cover... or at least it would be if I couldn't see your balls.

Hitler's Christmas Message Circa 1941

I wonder if I did the right thing persecuting all those Jews. Could I, the great Fuhrer of Deutschland be wrong?.... Naaaaah, I am just being silly. Let the persecutions continue.

Organised Crime.

Hey! Look! Look what you've done! The pavement is filthy with all of the blood and destruction. Remember to lay a plastic sheet down the next time this shit starts to happen. I have some old dust sheets stacked up in the garage, just be like; 'Jim, riot's about to happen. Can we use your dust sheets?'. I'll be like; 'Sure thing, man'. I'll leave them on the patio when I'm out of town or on vacation or something...

Wonka Vision

William James Mercer. No Scrubs.

The neighbours have some very fancy clothes drying on their washing line. Of course, back in my day we didn't have washing machines. We had to scrub the prostitute's blood out of our shirt by hand.

Pizza Guy.

Oh, finally! You've come with the pizzas I ordered an hour ago! I don't want to tell you how to do your job or anything, but this is seriously shitty service. Your Pizzeria is literally based at the end of the street - What, did you fucking fly these pizzas over to me or something?

Yes. That's exactly it. You placed a very large and complicated order with us, at what is typically our busiest time of the day. When your order was ready, we hired a plane and flew these fucking things over to you. That's why we're charging you a grand. Enjoy your shit.

COD Busters.

What the hell is this for?! I haven't done anything!

I think you know exactly why this happening. You can't repeatedly cheat your way through Modern Warfare 2 while mercilessly ridiculing your opponents without expecting a knock on the door from the Police. Online Ass-holing is a serious offense, son. You could go down for the next ten, twelve years for this shit.

Iron Man Punches Hugh Grant.

Prime Mark

Ah cripes! I knew I shouldn't have bought this suck-fucking t-shirt from Primark. Only fucking shirt I decide to own and I buy it from Primark in a fit of stupidity. Wash the fucker once and bam! It's shrink city, population... Me. Great, I knew this piece of clothing would attact the wrong sort. Shit, like being followed down the high street by a queer and an old man. Those suck-fuckers are just jealous of my black bag of cocaine. Hoops, best keep that intel on the down low or the filth will be slamming my ass in jail. Least I'll get a fucking shirt that'll fit though. Stripes are slimming too.

C.U.N.T

Say Mary, you get a new tatt?

Yeah, I did. Thanks for noticing.

No problem. Hey, is that a tattoo of a cunt?

It sure is.

That's great. Now you have Two cunts on your body. Or as I like to say, you're duel cunted.

Mr. Fix-It

Mmm... Lovely plump buttocks.

What?

I said, are you sure I can't get you a cup of coffee?

Look, I done told ya, I don't want none of your gay coffee.

It's Nescafe actually.

I still don't want none.

Ooooo, you are so forceful and manly aren't you?

Can you hand me that wrench?

Oh, are you saying I can handle your tool?

What are you on about? Just go away and let me work these pipes.

Ooo, I'd love you to work my pipe.

Yep, just as I thought, there's the blockage.

Where? Your asshole looks clear from this angle. In fact, I could fit my whole tongue right up that ass.

I'd like my payment in cheque. I don't want any of your faggy cash thank you very much.

Goal Digger

You know, you looked a lot slimmer in your clothes....

The Brian Ironic Interviews

So what conclusion have you come to Brian?

Maybe that I have too many DVDs. And that I identify too much with Ozymandias from the Watchmen comic.

How so? You're a gay?

Besides that. I know I have a gay man's face but it's not about sexuality. Why do you keep pursuing if I am homosexual or not?

Possible homosexual.

What I meant is, in the way Adrian Veidt tried to save the human race from nuclear war.

Ah, I see. And that's what you've been trying to do is it Brian?

Don't talk to me in that condescending tone please.

I apologise.

But to answer your question. Yes. That is exactly what I have been trying to do.

Not just dressing up in a suit everyday and pretending to go to work then? Because your Mom actually thinks you have a job.

Look! What I do is real. What Mr. Veidt in Watchmen was trying to archive was real. That's why I always wear my Watchmen pin on my lapel.

Lapel. That's a French word isn't it?

Oh fuck off Dave. If you're going to talk to me like I'm some kind of fucking Mongoloid the deal is off. No more interview. That means no more thesis.

You're right. I again apologise. Now Brian, please can we continue...?

Office Soar

You okay with that questionnaire Phil?

Ah, well, yeah, I guess. I mean, most of it is standard stuff.

Uh-huh. So where's there problem?

Well it's the part just here.

Let me see. Oh yes, I see. You're talking about the question underneath previous attendances.

Yeah, the one that says "Do you like to fuck hardcore?"

Oh yes. So why are you stuck on that one? You're a married guy right? You at least must have a girlfriend or mistress. So this should be an easy question for you.

I have an idea. Why don't I just draw these big titties here.

Hey, they look remarkably like my wife's breasts.

Yeah, funny that.

Onions.

My burger could use some of that onion, if only you would stop being such a little bitch with it...

Bring The Noise.

Aw, hell! You've scribbled spurting dicks, curly mustaches and filthy words on the pages of my magazine. First you put a massive dent in the door of my car, then you call my mother a 'bitch' at her birthday party and now this. What's more is...

Whoa, I'm just gonna interrupt you there for a second while I go ahead and turn the volume up on the tv ... there it is, that's better! You can continue your ranting if you wish.

Swan-Z

I've met a bunch of cool people since the company expanded the cafeteria to each of the departments. Where are you from?

I'm Pete. I work in Finance. I'm from Swansea.

'Swansea', eh? Never heard of it. Sounds like a goddamn Al Qaeda hideout to me. Working the company's finances to fund your sick little organisation's hate crimes, are we...?

Soothing Salve.

Hey man, don't feel so bad. It was an accident. You shouldn't blame yourself over things you can't control. Listen, I'll let you slip a finger into my butt if it'll cheer you up?

To Hell With This...

Breast Wishes.

Joey, you're up. What have you learned this week that you'd like to present to the rest of the class?

When me, my brothers and my mother go to bed at night, my father will stay up and log into various chat rooms asking any women he meets to show him their breasts. The breasts can be located around here on the skeleton. Sometimes, my dad will ask other men to show him their breasts.

I Don't Work Out. I'm Just Naturally Buff-As-Fuck.

Richard Gere

Ah Herschel my friend, how have you been?

Oh Elijah. Good to see you. I am very well thank you.

What have you been doing with yourself other than Jewish stuff?

I dabbled in the cinema the other night.

Oh really? What did you see? Nothing scandalous I hope.

No, just a story about a man and his dog called Hachi.

WHAT? You saw Hachi?

Yes. It was lovely. Is there a problem with that my friend?

Oy vey! Yes, there is. Don't you know about Richard Gere?

No.

Richard Gere isn't just a filthy Buddhist but he's a- He's a monster!

Do tell.

Well Richard Gere likes to make clones of himself, murder them and then have sex with them. Then he revives them with necromancy and asks them "Was it good for you?" Then he kills them again and places them in his ex-wife; Cindy Crawford's bed, so that she thinks she has killed him in her sleep, but it's really just his clone.

Wow. I never knew an actor's life could be so exciting.

Enough of that Herschel. Remember, we are Jews.

What The Dickens?

Jeez! Do all of Charles Dickens' stories involve this much rollerskating?

Successful Applicant.

We provide a service where we take a client's individual circumstances and build a bespoke financial solution. We're specifically looking for an applicant with excellent personal skills. Somebody not afraid to ask difficult questions. Somebody with enough experience and intelligence to take the information and build it into a great solution. Have you any experience in this kind of work?

Well, I fought and defeated Dolph Lundgren once.