HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

The Crue are back in 2009.
Is it me or are we actually going back in time? Not forwards.

Sand Gods.

King Kolo, we've returned from our great voyage.

Splendid. With what things have you returned?

Well, we've discovered that you don't need to travel the perilous chasm of the Sand Gods to go bowling. You can get this thing called a 'widget' on this other thing called 'Facebook'. You can bowl all you like against your friends. Brother Hyem here got an '8 Bagger' on his second go! There was some tragedy, however. You see, we also learned that brussels sprouts pretty much smell the same going out, as they do going in. We lost half of our expediton finding that little doozy out.

This is all nonsense! What have you learned of the mysteries of our world?

Oh, uh. Yeah, uh. We learned that everyting is pretty much created and governed by the mighty Sand Gods. Yes, the Sand Gods are in charge of everything. You should, like, tread carefully at the beach and shit.

The Sexiest Christmas Gift Of All

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM HEDRICK ALOUD!!!

CLICK THE IMAGE FOR CHRISTMAS JOY!!!

Wendy.

Hey there, Wendy. I need you to put together another questionnaire. I also need you to open, sort, print and collate last week's questionnaire - the one you spent all weekend putting into envelopes, putting stamps on and posting. The same one you individually emailed to all of our clients. And when you're done, you'll need to count all the little ticked boxes, do some basic stats and produce a report for the board members.

And after that, you should have a spare five minutes to remember just how unimportant doing all that is.

Gone Fishin'.

Good catch, Dave! Why don't you go ahead and lay that fucker on the grill by your knees? Nobody likes to wait for grilled fish eyes.

Brighton Port Authority - Toe Jam.

The Brighton Port Authority is Norman Cook (Fatboy Slim), featuring David Byrne and Dizzee Rascal.

What a larf.

Surprise The One You Love This Christmas.

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The YEAH!

Ok, let's see. Who wants what?

Sam from Birmingham wants a Nintendo DS ... I have no idea what the hell that is, so they'll be getting a bike instead.

Thomas from London wants a High School Musical DVD ... uh ... I have no clue what that is either, so it'll be a new bike for him.

Katie from Paris wants a 'cheval' ... I'm sure that's French for 'I want a bike'.

Morris from Dundee wants a set of rollerblades ... hm. Rolling blades? They sound dangerous. I think he'll be better off with a bicycle. Actually, I'm surprised the little fucker didn't want his gay-ass name changed.

Well, that's that sorted out. Wait, where the fuck am I going to get a bunch of bikes?

Burn Before Reading

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20081217/twl-baker-no-cake-for-little-hitler-3fd0ae9.html

Truckin'.

Ok, Tim. You're all locked and loaded. You had better get a move on if you're to deliver this cargo of children's clothes and toys to the orphanage in time for Christmas.

Seriously?

Ha-Ha-Ha! No, I'm just fucking with you! They're paying us by the hour - take as long as you want! But for God's sake, pay for your hookers this time. Don't be thinking you can save yourself a few pennies by sticking your junk into the gas pump nozzle again. I don't think I can bear another Christmas of having to explain your petrol-burned cock to the doctors and nurses, let alone having to change the dressing every few hours.

How To Kick Down A Door.

I need more friends like this guy.

Cycling Holiday.

Hold it right there, everybody! Do some big smiles for the camera!

*click*

Wow, you guys! Great job on the big, fake smiles! Our shitty cycling holiday won't seem quite as lame when we look back on these photos. What shall we do now? Oh yeah, more fucking cycling.

Chicken's Shitty Dart Board.

Dart boards are supposed to be circular, how the fuck am I supposed to play on this!? Seriously Chicken, you're a fat bastard, and if you pull any more of this kind of shit you'll be a fat bastard without any darts buddies. You had better not have run out of Cider.

This MEANS War

HEY LADIES!!!
Yeah, I'm talking to you ladies in Garboldisham!!! Ain't no fucking men in Garboldisham. You're all pantywastes! You're all ball-less freaks. But especially your mayor. He's a big girl's blouse. You're all women. And there is nothing lower than women in my opinion, which is the only opinion that I give two fucks about.

Mayor of Garboldisham, know something? I'm gonna break into your home in the dead of night like a fucking burglar, sneak into your bedroom and piss on your chest for kicks! D'you like that? You uncered bag bitch with that fucking Goddamn approachable smile!!!

Beating Heart Baby

Is camera on? Hello Sir! Namaste!!! I am Meris Rani. I am coming from India to your great world of America in the Las Vegas with my Husband Sanjay. We have been wanting to visiting America for some years. To be telling honestly, Sanjay makes me come. He beat me if I say no. He keep me in cage back home and call me whore. Please some nice person in America help me get away from Sanjay and start new life. I no want to die Sir. Sanjay, he come back from piss-piss now. I have to go.

Watch Out For The Striped Taranch'la

I walked 15 footsteps to this market in the rain. The rain. Look at my hoodie. S'all wet. I'm only wearing it for fashion's sake. That's why my hair is wet too, because I didn't bother using the actual "hoodie" facility. Doesn't matter now because this fucking banana will protect me from rain. Oh yes. Banana here isn't afraid of any fucking rain. In fact, he will banish the rain from the very skies using his mighty yellow power. Mark my words...

Brandon Flowers: Opinions/Principles Part 4

Manthrop. I like that word. I invented it myself. I've been saying it into a mirror for the last half hour and am still quite enjoying it now. I think it will be the title of The Killers next record. Ronnie, our drummer got name our current record: Day & Age. Personally, I think it's a God awful title and I'm expecting poor sales because of it. But Ronnie isn't the most imaginative of people. After all, when I decided to grow a dynamic moustache for myself, oh he had to copy too with that horrible one he grew. It was like God had spat shit in his face. I'm going to punish him, don't worry about that. I'm going to interrupt him everytime he attempts to speak. He'll be all like, "Hey guys wha-" and I'll shout "WHAT TIME IS LOVE?". And everytime he starts to speak... WHAT TIME IS LOVE? Yeah, that will teach him. I loved my moustache.

Chicken Finche

Bollocks! How'do? I could introduce myself but to be honest, I'm sure you don't really care. As I'm sure you don't really care about my story. To you, I'm sure I just look like a gormless fat bastard. But you'd be wrong, about one of them at least. I used to be a handsome man but now I'm just a handsome fat man. You don't get as fat as me by not putting the time in. I've had to make regular stops at Mickey D's and Burger King. But how much I weigh has nothing to do with this. It's about my life that's the point. And what a life it was...

JAZZ HAT

Hiya boy. Oh you got it going on girlfriend. I could just eat you up with sugar on top. I could totally spend all your money at the Gay Bar you sexy ass. Now pucker up cowboy while I bring my train right into your station.

Bemused Black Man

But honey, I don't understand. What are you trying to tell me. I can't undertand a word you just said. Wha'chu say? Hmm??? Please honey, gimme something to work with here.

Dr. Smith Is Too Busy To Keep A Twitter.

So you're on Facebook, too? We should totally add each other! In fact, you should search for this video one of the nurses filmed on her phone of me operating on you with dual butterfly knives! It's on my Facebook page and I think it's close to having, like, fifty-thousand views on LiveLeak.

Staples.

Ooh Linda, I'm sorry to interrupt, but may I use your stapler?

No.

I have a report to post, I'll only need to use it for a moment.

No.

Fine. You know what? Fuck you. You know what else? I barely even wrote that report! I was in the employee toilet, fucking the sleeve of your jacket the entire time I was supposed to be writing that report! In fact, I did such a lousy job, I've printed your name on the cover sheet to save me from getting into any kind of trouble. Bitch.

Eco Wizardry!

WAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHH! Holy shit! I need to get the fuck home and show my wife that I'm a Grand Wizard not the 'shitty magician' she says I am. After many years of practice and toil I've managed to perfect the conjuring of thunder and lightning! I am the most powerful man on Earth, I'll solve the world's energy crisis and earn billions of ... oh, fuck! I've lost it. Damn.

MELLOW OUT!!!

Police Line.

"Police Line Do Not Cross" ... oh, no. I can never remember whether it means that us police aren't allowed to enter, or whether it's the public who cannot cross. A simple comma wouldn't go amiss here. Man, I didn't join the force for this bullshit. I should be out there busting crackhouses with double Berettas and blowing shit up on the motorway, then waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat out of fear that the next mission might be my last. That kind of shit. Fuck it, I'm gonna go sit in the car and play with the buttons on the radio for a few hours.

Our National Treasure

DAME CHERYL COLE

Brandon Flowers: Opinions/Principles Part 3

Can you read my mind? It's in large print and has thousands of chapters. My favourite is Chapter 15. Love that chapter. But to be honest it's all a good read. I wear feathers on my shoulders. Makes brushing my teeth in the morning a nightmare sometimes. Rogue feathers falling into the sink. Good job I don't have to clean up the mess. That's what Mexicans are for. I just wish Che Guevara was still alive. I could really use his help right now because there are crumbs all over the carpet in the living room. I got soul but I'm not a soldier. Che Guevara was a soldier AND a Mexican (Of sorts.)

Dian Fossey

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, it's fucking Banana Split time again! No, no, I don't have too many bananas here. How can you have too many bananas? Oh, I've got more to come, there's still some in the trolley. I love bananas. (And they come in quite handy in the bedroom if you catch my drift. Wink, wink).

Nanny.

Grandma, seriously, I'm in the room with you. We're not talking over the telephone - I'm here at your house ... sat on your couch, looking at you. Put down the damn telephone.

Is that you, Richard? You'll have to speak louder, because I can barely hear you...

Oh, for fuck's sake. I might as well play along ... Yes Grandma, it's me. How are you?

You Bet.

Ha! Ha! Ha! That's your third loss! You know the bet. If you lose three games to me, not only do you have to eat a slice of pizza out of my butt-hole, but you'll also have to admit that professional wrestling is rigged! Let me tell you something right here, right now - You'll be eating that pizza the night of my aerobics class. So that my shitter is all sweaty and gross.

Continue Whistling.

(click to see it larger)

Waitered.

Here's your food. I hope you enjoy this plate of undercooked quail fetus, you fucking barbarian! Jesus, it smells terrible! I mean, I gagged twice while bringing this shit over to you from the kitchen. If it's any consolation, the nearby soup kitchen for the down and outs opened their vents about an hour ago, and the stench drifting down from there smells much, much worse! Seriously, you should've gone elsewhere for a feed. Like that place where you're served by the chicks with huge titties.

Old MacBlessed Had A Farm.

Hello, I run a dickfarm and I'm looking to change my supplier of fertiliser. I was wondering if you could possibly help? Yes, you heard correctly, I run a dickfarm. I farm cock.

Bob's New Ride.

Wow, Bob! That's a really sweet new ride ... but, uh ... it has the dealer's logo right there on the side. It's pretty hard to appreciate the general look of the car when there's a huge sticker right in the middle like that. Plus, your license plate reads 'BM JKY', which I know stands for 'Bob Morris & Jacky', your wife ... but on this car, it just looks like 'Bum Jockey'. Wait, what? The radio only picks up local stations!? So you'll be cruising along to The Backstreet Boys and shit? Ah, man. That's rough. Oh, and there's no air conditioning either? Oh boy, I think I'd rather walk back to my house. I don't think I'll be needing a ride anywhere, any time soon. Good luck with your shitty new car.

Dr. Smith Is Not Easily Amused.

I'm sorry you had to sit for so long in the waiting room! I know 'Ding Dong The Clown' is in there 'entertaining' for a few hours today. Last time I was in there he was miming shadow puppets on the wall. He was like, "Oh kids, can you guess what this is? Yes, it's a doggy - bark! bark!".

No, it's your fucking hand. Prick.

William James Mercer Witnesses A Miracle.

One of the binge-drinking slags from the local estate passed out and had a fuckin' baby on my front lawn last night. It was like having a real-life nativity scene playing out before my very eyes! It really got me in the mood for Christmas ... well, that is until I had to shovel up all the afterbirth and muck from my grass at four this morning.

Science Corner.

"Do Eggs Float?" What kind of homework assignment is that!? Seriously, when I'm done with this bullshit, I'm going to see whether I can synthesize crystal meth from these damn eggs.

Hustle N Flow. Gulp N Blow.

Seriously, you bitches are gonna have to back the fuck on up! You can't be interrupting my flow like this! I can't wait until they invent recording booths ... although, you motherfuckers would still find a way to interrupt me mid-flow with some 'sorry, sorry, we're going to have to pause you there, your levels are too low' bullshit.

Now shut the fuck up this time, and let me finish this thing ... *ahem* ... "Now I've ... had ... the time of my liiiiiife ... and I never felt this way before".

LOOKING GOOD!!!

MOTHERFUCKER! THIS IS A HAIRDO! A HAIRDO!!!

Brandon Flowers: Opinions/Principles Part 2

Shit on a fucking stick! My Jove! I've done it. I've had a thought. If I'm here, then does anywhere else really exist? Hmm? Really? Did Katy Perry really kiss a girl and like it? Does her boyfriend mind it? It probably turns him on quite frankly. So is this bitch a lesbian or just an attention seeking whore like myself? Wait a freaky deaky minuet! Her boyfriend is that fella from... From... That group. Oh you know the one. Funny face, like a donkey's backside. But I thought he was dead.

Harvey: The Invisible Rabbit

What you looking at wanker? Yeah, I used to be Brian Harvey but now I'm just a washed up scab. Look at me Gov, I'm rough all over. Sleeping rough. All because I said drugs were good. Maybe I should 'ave used me bonce before I spoke. But can't change the future can ya? I jus' wish I was Take That right now. Wish I was all of Take That. Wish I was anything but me. I'm jus' gonna go over 'ere to this corner and 'ave a cry now, yeah?

Cool 4 Cats

My name is Sir Thomas Henry and yes, I am a cat. (But I'm also a cunning bastard.) I've changed the world in dramatic ways you couldn't even possibly imagine. You don't think Enron fell just because a bunch of silly twats handled it's finances poorly did you? Oh no my friend. You didn't think Axel Rose actually managed to finish his Chinese Democracy record on his own did you? If you did, again, you'd be wrong. Cat power was behind it. My cat power. I've done things in my life. Unspeakable things. And I'll do more. (Oh yes, I'll do more.)

Lesson Learned

Oh dear Timmy. You knew what would happen if you pissed yourself again didn't you? Didn't you? You know what Grandpa said he'd do next time you wet yourself in public like this don't you? Come on Timmy, I know you remember.

You'd have to choppy choppy Timmy's pee-pee.

I'll get the scissors.

Lord Of Wine And Song

I tell you good Sir, I did invent gravity! And his brother too! How dare you accuse me of lies you needless fiend! I shame revoke my membership to the Fine Young Cannibals fanclub if this continues. And don't even get me started about the underwear I bought at H&M last week. T'was devilry I tell you! Devilry!

BABANACO TAXI SERVICE

Jesus fucking Christ, I could just kill myself. I'm so fucking depressed I could slash a wrist at any moment. Don't want Mom to get suspicious so I'll wear this banana as my smile and she'll think I was happy as Larry... Before she finds me hanging from a belt in my bedroom that is.

Brandon Flowers: Opinions/Principles

Are we human or are we dancers? Hunter S. Thompson once posed that question. I wrote a song about that quote. Isn't that queer? If you have the answer to that question please send it to me in Las Vegas where I will be residing for the next Quadrillion years or possibly forever. I think The Killers are the best band in the world. You do agree? Who the fuck are you anyway? Get out of my dreams and into my car. Billy Ocean. Oceans... Seas...

AwesomeMart!

Oh, for fuck's sake! First you sneakily take the packet of oatmeal biscuits out of my shopping basket and slip it into your own. Then you cut in front of me in the queue for the register. Then the sales girl is all like 'do you have any coupons before I start scanning?' and you're like 'no, no, no', and right before she scans your last item, you whip out this enormous book full of coupons. Now you're paying with change and that fat-lipped, bastard child of your's is trashing the goddamn credit card reader!

Jeeeeeeesus fuckin' Christ! That's it, I'm going to take my weird hair and 'tache and start my own fucking grocery store! I'll call it 'AwesomeMart' and I'll only serve the people I want to serve ... which doesn't include the likes of you! That'll teach you some fuckin' manners.

Camping Holiday.

Kids, in order to make up for this shitty camping holiday, I'm mushing up some Snickers with some of your father's homemade cider.

Captain Black Sparrow...And His Machine Of Great Musical Mystery

Morgan Frenum Can't Be Killed

Slap your chammywanger all the way to Harlem nigga. You thought you see the last o' me? Nah brah, I be outta action like a fucking soldier boy. The story; God got pissed right off with me because he know a handsome nigra be playing his part better then hisself in Bruce and Evan Almighty. Kids love me as God. Think I'm God, the little shits. But God don't come to me as a man, as a friend, nah, nigga shuts me out. He wanna piss and moan or what? What? He pulls a fast one and tries killing a brother in a car crash but someone need ta tell God, I'm un-fucking-stoppable bitch. Can't be going down wit' no Batman curse and shit. I ain't Heath Ledger ya know. I'm Morgan Frenum bitch! I ain't gots a huge white man's dinkle on my back fo' nuttin'. You ask that Angelina Jolie biiiiiiatch cuz she know I'm WANTED!!! I bent my bullet on ho ass! Word.

Sid Is Vicious

Alright you todgers! I wanna see One on the left and Two up the front. Oi, I'm talking to you Mrs at the back with the lovely pair. Cor! Let's see 'em!

Jesus Eventually Forgives.

Wait, what the hell!? Let me get this straight - none of you little fuckers brought your wrestling figures with you here today? What the fuck is up with that? Aw, hell. You know what, fuck you. Each of you. You can stand around and make crowd noises while I put Doink and The Heartbreak Kid through a cage match.

Josh Homme At Norwegian Wood.

Again, still funny.

The Best Scenes From The Wicker Man.

Still funny.

William James Mercer Drives A Bargain.

Pretty much getting the most out of this rental mustache as possible.

Shrimp Boat Fantasies, With More Shrimp.

If I ever had a threesome with two saucy mermaids, I'd want them to suck on each other's tail fins.

Noel Dandy Is Lagged.

It's nice to be back in the comforts of home following a particularly gruelling sixteen-hour flight from Peru. I say, what the housewives of Lima will do for a carton of cigarettes is really rather inconceivable.